Mr. Explicative and I

It was a match made somewhere far away from Heaven. Mr. Explicative (Mr. E from now on) did not seem to like me or anyone from NABABNA very much. It is an extreme situation when I will disconnect a customer, and Mr. E is the only one in over 4 1/2 years. That means in over 2,000 escalated calls, I hung up on one. I did it for his safety. Really.

Being that I spoke to him over the phone, I can only imagine his facial expressions and his lewd gestures. I imagine a man with a red face. I imagine that red turning deeper and deeper shades, approaching purple. His arms had to been flailing wildly and I wonder if anyone passing him on the street thought he was an escaped mental patient. His angry was apparent and it would not surprise me if his imaginary friend ended up in the hospital that day since he couldn't actually hit a NABABNA employee.

One of the bankers, Jackie, got the opportunity to speak to Mr. E before I did. I have translated some of the words he used to show how silly his rhetoric truly was and also to keep this a family-friendly post. I started listening to Jackie's call because her end suggested a customer out of control. Here is what I heard:

E: Cow dootie! Fudge your fudging burro you goddess! Jesus Saves! I want my fudging card right fudging now you fudge face!
J: Mr. E, please speak in a professional manner.
E: Fudge you! You waste extraction point! Jesus Saves! You goddess! Fudge this. I hate your fudging bank!
J: Sir, please control your language. I want to help you.
E: Fudge you! Cow dootie! COW DOOTIE!

At this point, I made Jackie place the gentleman on hold and transfer him to me. She did not have to deal with this type of call.

B: Thank you for holding Mr. E. My name is Beth and I'm a supervisor. I asked Jackie to transfer you to me.
E: Good. That goddess! You goddess! I want my fudging card you fudging goddess!
B: Mr. E, that language is not acceptable. Please refrain from the use of profanity.
E: Fudge you!
B: Mr. E, I want to help you but I will not allow that language.
E: Cow dootie! COw DOOtie! COW DOOTie! COW DOOTIE! COW DOOTIE! (Note, the escalation of the caps is supposed to demonstrate the escalation of his words.)
B: If this language continues, I will disconnect the call.
E: Fudge you! Fudge you! Fudge you! Hail all this cow dootie! You goddess. I want my fudging card and I want it right fudging now!
B: For the second time, I am warning you if this language persists, I will disconnect the call.
E: COW DOOTIE! COW DOOTIE! COW DOOTIE! I can say anything I want, COW DOOTIE!
B: Mr. E, if we were speaking in person, the police would have arrested you by now for disturbing the peace. You are speaking with a business and a professional tone is expected.
E: Fudge you right up your fudging waste extraction point! Jesus Saves! Purgatory! COW DOOTIE!
B: Again Mr. E, this language is not tolerable. Please control yourself. If this continues, I will disconnect the call and ask that you use that time to calm down and collect yourself.
E: Cow dootie! COw Dootie! COW DOotie! COW DOOTie! COW DOOTIE! COW DOOTIE! COW DOO-

This is where I disconnected the call. I had an image of this man having a stroke. From what I gathered, he lost his ATM card and we were unable to hand him a new one over the phone, on a Saturday afternoon. I feel bad because he didn't have a card, but there are other ways to access an account and it's not our fault he lost his card.

If anyone needs a translation chart:

Cow dootie = hopefully you get this one
Fudge = the other F word
Purgatory = that place that's really hot!
Goddess = lovely B word used for females
Jesus Saves! = instead of GD
Goodness! = a curse on someone or something
Waste extraction point = please don't need to know about this body orifice
Burro = the Spanish word for donkey!

If I hadn't taken the call myself, I would swear it didn't happen

We deal with all kinds at NABABNA, including the famous personality type, 'I want to pick a fight.' I don't understand the personality that just needs a reason to argue and has a sole purpose in life. That sole purpose seems to be complaining.

I got a full dose of the disillusioned woman tonight. I'll call her, "Offending Bigwords," you'll see why. Here is the call:

B (that's me!): Thank you for holding, my name is Beth and I'm a supervisor. The banker told me you wanted to speak to a supervisor. How can I help you?
OB: Where is my money?
B: I would like to help you. For clarification, are you stating your deposit is missing?
OB: No. I was supposed to get money and I want to know when I'll get it and how much.
B: Who is giving you the money?
OB: I got papers from a lawyer about a levy.
B: You had a levy on your account?
OB: I think so. What's a levy?
B: Normally, a levy is a hold on your funds because we received a court order to hold them. Some people have them for back taxes or child support payments.
OB: When did that happen to my account?
B: I don't know. You told me a lawyer contacted you about a levy. I asked if you had one on your account.
OB: I don't owe any back payments for anything!
B: Okay. Then you probably didn't have a levy on your account. Why did the lawyer contact you about a levy?
OB: When was there a levy on my account?
B: I don't know if there even was a levy on your account. I can check if there was one if you don't remember one if you know a range of dates.
OB: It was early this year.
B: Like January?
OB: Early this year.
B: You want me to look and see if something happened to your account sometime "early this year." What are you defining as "early this year?"
OB: This lawyer made me sign papers.
B: When was that?
OB: Early this year.
B: ARGH! Okay. What were the papers about?
OB: Don't you know?
B: Well, I'm not a licensed attorney and I never contacted you myself, so no. I only have the limited information you've provided to me on this call.
OB: Well, he sent me papers.
B: What were they about?
OB: I don't know. I didn't read them. I just signed them.
B: And this is why you're expecting money?
OB: Yes. Where is my money?
B: I have no clue. Do you have anything specific you can tell me?
OB: It was about money.
B: Well, we are a bank, it might. Anything in particular about money?
OB: It was about monetary money.
B: Monetary money? They're the same thing!
OB: Yes, monetary money. You work for NABABNA. You know what that means.
B: No, I don't. Monetary money is like saying money money. It's not like the song, Mony Mony.
OB: The lawyer was suing NABABNA.
B: Why?
OB: I don't know why.
B: Was he your lawyer?
OB: No.
B: Do you have a lawyer?
OB: No.
B: Do you have any information from what he sent you before?
OB: No. You should know what this is about.
B: It's about some lawyer suing our bank and you signed papers about money.
OB: Yes.
B: I have no specifics and I don't know what you're talking about.
OB: Well, I get money.
B: Okay, let me get this straight, you get money because you helped a lawyer sue us but you don't know why other than it had to do with money?
OB: Yes.
B: I can't help you. I need more specifics.
OB: But where's my money?
B: Where is it coming from?
OB: A lawyer. You should know.
B: I have no way to know what every lawyer in the country is doing. If you want, I can connect you to our legal department.
OB: I've talked to them before.
B: And what did they tell you?
OB: Nothing.
B: Why did they tell you nothing?
OB: They don't know what I'm talking about.
B: And you think that customer service knows more about some lawsuit that you can't tell me the name of or what it's about?
OB: No.
B: Then why did you call us?
OB: I don't know.
B: I recommend you find some information before calling us back so we can be better equipped to help you.
OB: Whatever.

Then she hang up. I have no idea what she wanted other than monetary money. I hope she finds something at home with information about this lawyer she signed papers for and calls him. He might know why he sued us at least.