Thursday, May 19, 2005

What's Your Name, Little Girl?

My name is Dana. Dana. D. A. N. A. It’s not that difficult. But apparently, no one can it straight. Here’s my conversation today with a stock owner that was completely in love with the sound of his voice. He would not let me get a word in edgewise.

DM: Thank you for calling Shareholder Relations, this is Dana. How many I help you?
Mr. I Love Me (ILM): Xana?
DM: No. Dana.
ILM: Zana?
DM: No. Day. Nuh. D. A. N. A.
ILM: Oh. Jana.
DM: No. D as in David. A. N. A.
ILM: Donna, I have been on hold for one full half hour. I have to let you know that this is very disturbing and I am very upset about this. I should not have to wait this long.
DM: I am sorry about the hold, sir, this is…
ILM: Donna, don’t apologize, it’s not your fault. I’m not angry with you, Donna.
DM: Sir, my name is Dana (Now, I will pretty much answer to anything that starts with a D but it’s important that I make sure he knows my correct name in case my call is being monitored).
ILM: Donna, I want to make sure I let you know, because I know this call is being monitored, how upset I am that I held so long. This call is being monitored, correct? You can confirm that, Donna? Will you confirm that?
DM: Yes, sir, I can confirm that. Sir, my name is Dana.
ILM: Anyway, Donna, I am very upset. I am calling because I want to find out some information and it is ridiculous that I should have to hold this long. Donna, I am letting you know this because I want someone to hear me say this on this recorded line. You will confirm that this is a recorded line, right, Donna?
DM: Yes. Sir, my name is Dana.
ILM: It is hard to believe that in this day and age I should have to hold this long. Donna, I want to tell you this because I want a supervisor to hear this on the recorded line.
DM: Yes, sir, the line is recorded. My name is Dana. Not Donna.
ILM: Donna?
DM: No. Dana. D as in David. A as in Apple. N as in Nancy. A as in Apple.
ILM: Oh, Dana. Okay (You know that tone people use when something has finally sunk in? That’s the tone he used. Sort of an “Eureka, I’ve got it.” Which makes, of course, what he said next even more amusing). Donna, the reason I’m calling is because I had a question about my 1099 forms. These are tax forms. Are you aware of what a 1099 form is, Donna (Since he has acknowledged my name, I’m not going to try to get him to call me Dana. I have given him my correct name)
DM: Yes, sir, I am. If you could provide me with your account or social security number, I could…
ILM: A 1099 form is provided when there are dividends paid.
DM: Yes, sir, I know that. If you could…
ILM: I did not receive my 1099 form, Donna. I need to have one sent to me.
DM: Yes, sir. I will be happy to help you with that if you could…
ILM: Do you have my account pulled up, Donna?
DM: No, sir, I don’t. If I could have your…
ILM: I’m sorry. Your name is Dana, isn’t it?
DM: Yes, sir…
ILM: That was very rude of me, Dana. I apologize.
DM: That’s fine, sir. May I have your…
ILM: Why do you not have my account pulled up yet?
DM: Sir, I would be happy to help you, if I could just get your account or social security number.
ILM: Of course. It is 123-45-6789.
DM: Thank you.
ILM: Now, Donna, I would like to know why I did not receive my 1099 form.
DM: May I have your name…
ILM: It is very important that I receive a 1099 form. I need to pay taxes. Are you aware of the importance of paying your taxes, Donna?
DM: Yes, sir. If I could have…
ILM: Oh, I’m sorry. Your name is Dana.

I spent well over an hour with this man. It took me over 15 minutes to get him to shut up long enough to identify him. The reason he didn’t get his 1099 was because he did not change his address with us. It took me another 15 minutes to change his address. The remaining half hour was spent listening to him routinely call me Donna and then realize my name was Dana and apologize for calling me Donna. Then he would call me Donna all over again. I also got to hear about his grandchildren, his view on politics and how he was having health problems.

All I have to say is thank God tax season is over. This year. Not looking forward to next year. The main call center gets the weirdos every month on the nights of a full moon. We get them from February 1st-April 15th.