One of the reasons to use Godzilla's name in vain

This is the post I was talking about Green Duckies. This is an example of the type of behavior that can make me want to smush someone!

Occasionally I get an escalated call that I'm really glad that the customer finally asked for a supervisor. This is because they have a legitimate problem but unfortunately, the people they have spoken to have no clue how to resolve the situation and, instead, make it worse.

For example, I present the tale of Ms. Justifiably Pissed Off (JPO).

My phone rings. I blithely go to answer the phone, unaware of the horror I am to be presented with. It is my least favorite banker at NABABNA. It's not that he's not a nice guy but he has worked at NABABNA for at least two years and he has absolutely no clue how to do anything. Anything! And, worst of all, he keeps calling me ma'am. I hate that. We're co-workers, damn it. I see you all the time. I just told you my name ten seconds ago. Stop calling me ma'am (Okay, calming down now)! I'm sure he means it as a sign of respect but it just makes me feel as though he really has no clue as to who I am.

Anyway, I answer the phone. Sorry, got distracted on vant about being called ma'am. Do I really have to explain about the italics?

Reckless Ma'am (RM): Hello, ma'am, this is Reckless Ma'am. I have an escalated call. The customer is very upset over some items that have debited her account. I have already filed the research. I have really no idea what this woman wants. She has spent a good 15 minutes explaining everything to me but I wasn't paying attention. And, even though I filed research, I did it wrong. And I am going to apply for a lot of different positions but I'll be turned down each time because I haven't taken the time to figure out how to do my own job.
DM: Okay, RM, I'll be happy to talk to her (Banker introduces me to customer). Hello, Ms. JPO, my name is Dana and I'd be happy to help you today. RM has explained that you're upset over the items that posted to your account. Is that correct?
JPO: Well, yes, but there's a lot more (Keep in mind that I have only been told one thing. The customer has explained this to RM already but he decided to give me the least amount of information. So when I start talking to her, I sound like an idiot. Thanks, RM).

The customer then informs me that she had gone to the branch a month ago because she was concerned about getting fees in her savings account and thought she should close it. While there, the personal banker talked her into opening up a new checking account, getting a check card and, this is the thing that just kills me, using her savings account for overdraft protection. Overdraft protection from the savings account is something that many banks offer, with a fee. A fee. So, here the customer has gone in and said "Hey, I don't want to get any fees. How do I stop that?" And the personal banker says "Hey, I hear what you said but I didn't care. How about I set you up with something that's going to cause you even more fees? But I won't tell you that there are fees. So you'll call the call center and be really ticked off with them. How does that sound?" About midway through the customer's justifiable rant about how NABABNA has screwed her over, I interrupt her. And, no, I normally don't do this. But she was getting very angry about how she had been treated and I've had customers go over everything they were upset about and then hang up, before I can help them. Once you hang up, I can't do anything with your account. So I interrupted.

DM: Wait, wait a second. You told the personal banker you wanted to avoid fees?
JPO: Yes.
DM: And she set you up for overdraft protection?
JPO: Yes.
DM: Well, that makes absolutely no sense. Did she tell you about the fee for that?
JPO: There's a fee?
DM: Well, that answers my question.

Now, all of these fees were disclosed to her when she first opened up her account in a pamplet that is provided to all customers. However, in my mind, if you go to someone and say "Hey, I don't want to pay fees," then it is their job to make sure you are aware of any charges that might be applied to the account. We were able to determine that between her savings and checking account, she had over $300 in charges. All that could have been avoided if people would have listened to her. This customer was planning on paying her negative balance and closing her account. I was able to help her. I was able to give her information and advice about managing a checkbook, advice she really needed because she'd never had a checking account before.

I love working for NABABNA, especially when I get calls like this, where I can really help someone understand what banking is all about, when I can correct wrongs, when I can make a difference. The memory of this call keeps me going when I have someone screaming at me because they wrote a $500 check off an account with a $200 balance and they don't get why we charged them a fee for it.

"It's not my fault the check was returned, it's NABABNA's."

Yesterday I took a call from a banker who told me his customer was very upset and wanted to speak to a supervisor. This is nothing new, I'm used to this. And then I was introduced to Ms. Ima Victim (IV).

DM: Thank you for holding, Ms. Victim. My name is Dana and I am a supervisor. John explained to me that you are calling about the insufficient funds charge (IFC) on your account?
IV: Yes.
DM: How may I help you with this today?
IV: You charged me twice.
DM: Yes, I am showing that you have had two seperate IFC's on your account.
IV: You can't do that!
DM: I'm sorry, I'm not sure I understand. I show that your account became overdrawn and that caused checks to be returned.
IV: I know that. That's not the problem.
DM: Why don't you explain the problem to me?
IV: It's the same check! You're charging me an IFC for the same check! You can't do that.
DM: Ah, I see the situation. I show that check 1234 presented to your account on August 2nd and the funds were not available for it. The check was returned and later presented again on August 8th. The funds were still not available for the check and so it was returned to the merchant a 2nd time. You were assessed an IFC for each item.
IV: It's the same check number! It's illegal for you to charge me twice for the same check!
DM: Unfortunately, that's not the case, Ms. Victim. If a check is presented to your account and returned for insufficent funds, there will be a fee assessed to the account, regardless of the check number.
IV: Well, why did you let it go through again?
DM: Actually, the merchant would have submitted the item for payment, Ms. Victim.
IV: You can't do this! Ever since I started banking with NABABNA, I've had problems. I wouldn't have left Bank of Bank but I moved. You people suck. (Again with the you people)
DM: I'm sorry you've been having problems. Let's take a look at the account. Has everything come through your account for the right dollar amount?
IV: Yes.
DM: When you wrote the check, did you have funds available in your account?
IV: No.
DM: So you wrote the check, knowing you didn't have funds in your account and yet, you don't think you should be charged for the IFC?
IV: No, you're not listening. I should pay one of them but not both because it's the same check number! You can't charge me twice for the same check. I'll only pay one charge.
DM: Actually, charges are not assessed based on check number, they are based on each item. If an item debits your account multiple times and there are not funds available, you can receive either overdraft fees or IFCs.
IV: I'm going to close my account if you don't reverse this charge!
DM: I'm sorry, Ms. Victim, I am unable to reverse the charge, it is not the result of bank error.

So let's review, shall we? I looked at Ms. Victim's account. Yesterday was August 12th. The account was opened on July 5th. Her account had been opened barely a month and she had an item returned not once, but twice. And who's fault was it? Was it Ms. Victim's fault because she wrote a check when she didn't have any money? Of course not. It was NABABNA's fault because we charged her for her error. Evil NABABNA. Scourge of the Seven Seas.

This is what is wrong with our country. You have people who overdraw their account and then blame everyone but themselves. I come across websites everyday where someone is complaining about whatever bank they bank with because they screwed up and the mean old bank wants to charge them for it. Well, hello, people. You made a mistake. Learn to accept the consequences. It's not like we're saying "Hey, everytime you overdraw your account, we are going to have you flogged." You signed an agreement saying you would be responsible. You weren't. End of story.

Where's my 20 dollars?

Back when I was working at Major's Department Store, I became friends with a guy named Jake. He used to have some of the oddest customers and this became one of my favorite stories. So I've decided to share it with you, changing his name and the store's name. I will be making the occasional remark, in italics.

Jake was working the Customer Service desk one day when this customer, Stupid Brainless Woman (SBW) came up and wanted to make a payment to her Major's credit card. Jake was happy to assist her with that.

J: I'd be happy to help you make a payment to your Major's credit card. I am showing you have a balance of $800.00 today. How much would you like to pay towards the balance?
SBW: I would like to payoff the balance today.
J: Wonderful. How would you like to make your payment? Will that be cash or check (notice that he only gives her these two options. That's because these are the only two options)?
SBW: No. Visa.
J: I'm sorry, I can't accept a Visa card to make a payment to your Major's card. I can only accept cash or a check. Which would you prefer to use?
SBW: Visa.
J: I'm sorry, ma'am, I can only accept cash or check.
SBW: Well, I want to use my Visa. You should let me use my Visa.
J: I'm sorry, ma'am, but I can't process the request for you using a Visa card. However, I have a suggestion for you. You do have the option of making a cash advance from your credit card. If you were to visit a branch, you could make a withdrawal from the credit card and then pay your Major's card by using cash.
SBW: That's a good idea. Where's an ATM machine?
J: Well, there are five different banks outside of the mall. You could visit one of those (there was an ATM in the mall, however, Jake was thinking she would actually go inside a bank and request a cash advance) and ask a teller to process an advance from your card. You can also use an ATM if you wish.
SBW: Okay, I'll be back.

About twenty to thirty minutes go by. The customer returns.
J: Ah, Ms. Stupid Brainless Woman, how nice to see you again. Were you able to make a cash advance?
SBW: Yes, I was.
J: Wonderful. Did you still want to pay the full balance on your Major's charge?
SBW: Yes. Here.
She hands him a stack of twenty dollar bills. Jake starts counting them.
J: Ms. Stupid Brainless Woman, you have given me $200. Is that correct?
SBW: Yes.
J: Your entire balance is $800. Will you be writing a check for the remainder of the balance?
SBW: No.
J: How would you like to pay the remainder of the balance (Right now, Jake has not yet grasped the idea of how stupid and brainless this woman is. He honestly thinks that she might actually have $600 in cash on her. Silly Jake)
SBW: No. I'd like to use my Visa. (It is here that I like to imagine Jake staring at her while crickets make that cricket sound they do. There is a bit of a pause (Oh, five cricket chirps)) Is there a problem?
J: Unfortunately, ma'am, I am unable to use a Visa to make a payment to a Major's credit card. I can only accept cash or a check. Would you like to use either of those?
SBW: Well, you told me I could withdraw cash and use the cash and I did. Why won't you help me? All I want to do is pay my credit card off.
J: You're right, ma'am, I did make that suggestion. However, I thought that you would make a cash advance for the entire amount of $800. I apologize for not suggesting you do so (I apologize for assuming you had a brain). Perhaps you would like to make another advance?
SBW: I suppose. I'll be back.
J: Would you like to take your $200 back?
SBW: No. You hold on to it.
And she's off. Jake is worried that she will accuse him of trying to take her money so he makes sure he marks it with her name and card number and puts it on the rear counter.

Another twenty to thirty minutes go by. Jake looks up and there is the customer.
J: Welcome back. How did the transaction go?
SBW: Great.
She hands him another stack of twenties. Jake counts it. He looks up at her.
J: Ma'am, this is $200. This brings your total to $400.
SBW: I know.
J: Your balance is $800. Did you still want to pay off the entire credit card?
SBW: Yes (Annoyed, sarcastic yes. If you have seen In and Out, it's the same yes that Kevin Kline does when the tape asks him if he's a man). What is the problem?
J: And how did you want to pay off the remainder of the card?
SBW: I want to use my Visa (Jake is staring at her now with the universally recognized "You're kidding, right?" look on his face). What?
J: I'm sorry, I just wanted to make sure I understood. You wish to use your Visa. I have explained that I can't accept a payment to a Major's credit card from a Visa card, haven't I (He wasn't being sarcastic at this point, he seriously thought maybe he hadn't explained it to her)?
SBW: Yes, but I want to use my Visa and you told me I could do a cash advance.
J: Yes, I do remember telling you that a cash advance could be done. I thought I made it clear that you should do the advance for the entire $800. I apologize if that wasn't clear.
SBW: Whatever. I'll be back.
And she leaves again. Jake includes the $200 she just gave him in the bundle of $20's he already has.

An hour passes. Jake goes to lunch, hoping that she will come back and someone else will get to deal with her. No such luck. He comes back from lunch and there she is, tapping her foot.
J: Ms. Stupid Brainless Woman. How lovely to see you again (yes, he was being sarcastic. No, she couldn't tell).
SBW: I've been waiting five whole minutes for you to come back.
J: I'm sorry, I had gone to lunch. How rude of me not to be here when you returned. Didn't anyone else offer to help you?
SBW: Yes but I didn't want them. I wanted to talk to you.
J: I feel very special. Well, let's get that Major's card paid off. Did you do a cash advance?
SBW: Yes, I did.
J: Wonderful.
SBW: Here is the money.
She hands him another stack of twenties. Jake counts the money.
J: Ms. Stupid Brainless Woman, this is $180. Were you still planning on paying off the entire card balance?
SBW: Well, of course I was. Haven't we established that yet?
J: Right you are. And how were you going to pay off the remainder of the balance.
SBW: With my Visa.

Yes. She said it again. Jake is floored. He cannot believe anyone could be this stupid. In his frustration, he makes the biggest customer service mistake you can make...he lets the customer see that he is frustrated. He places both hands on the counter and looks up at the ceiling in an exaggerated, why God are you torturing me, slow motion kind of way.

SBW: Why are you doing that? Why are you looking at the ceiling that way? You think I'm stupid!
J: Oh, no, Ms. Stupid Brainless Woman, I don't think you're stupid. I am just frustrated because we are obviously having a communications breakdown (Nice cover, Jake). I really want to help you make your payment but I don't know how to make you understand that you cannot use your Visa to make the payment.
SBW: But I've gone to the ATM 3 times! And I have given you $600. What's the problem?
J: I understand that you've gone to the ATM 3 times, however, you've only provided me with $580.
SBW: No, I haven't. I gave you $600. I have my receipts right here (She pulls out her ATM receipts. Because that's so going to prove that she gave him $600). Look! Look! 3 receipts. $600!
J: Ma'am, I have the money right here. This last time, you only gave me $180.
SBW: No, I didn't. You stole my twenty dollars! I want my money back!
J: Ma'am. You watched me count the money. I have had it in front of you the entire time.
SBW: Stop talking, you thief! I want my twenty dollars!
J: Ma'am, if you would like, I can certainly ask the store manager to show you the tape of our entire transaction.
SBW: Well, if you didn't take the money, what did I do with my twenty?
J: I don't know ma'am, you were gone for awhile this last time. Did you go to lunch?
SBW: Oh (her face lights up. The proverbial light bulb is shining on her stupid brainless face)! I know what I did! I put it in my gas tank.

It is always at this point of the story that Jake would say " I seriously think she actually took the money, opened up her gas tank and put the money inside. I bet if they drained her gas tank, they would find a ton of money in there. She was that stupid."

J: Well, I'm glad we cleared that up. Now, we have $580 here. The card balance is $800. If you subtract $580 from $800, you have a total of $220 remaining. How do you want to pay this balance? Will you write a check?
SBW: No. I want you to use my Visa (You must admire Jake's restraint. A lesser man might have bludgeoned her to death with her Visa card). I am the customer and the customer is always right. Do I have to speak to your manager?
J: Hold on a moment (He has had it. He is about to lose control and he doesn't think he likes it. He grabs the phone and dials Visa).
Visa Operator (Bob): Thank you for calling Visa. This is Bob. How can I help you?
J: Bob, this is Jake Blahblahblah from Major's Department Store. I have a situation here. Our mutual customer, Ms. Stupid Brainless Woman, would like to pay off her Major's credit card using her Visa card. I would like you to help me resolve this situation for the customer.
Bob: Are you crazy? You can't do that. You can't use a credit card to pay off a credit card.
J: Yes, Bob, I am aware that you cannot use a credit card to pay off another credit card. However, Ms. Stupid Brainless Woman is insistent that I perform this transaction.
Bob: She's standing right there, isn't she?
J: Yes.
Bob: She's an idiot, isn't she?
J: Yes, Bob, that is correct.
Bob: God, I hate these people. All right, let's see what we can do.

Bob, pulling some miracle out of thin air, is able to run the transaction through for Jake. The stupid brainless woman who has caused all of this trouble does not even have the decency to thank Jake for all of his hard work. She actually looks him straight in the eye and says "I told you I could do it."

Jake does not kill her but just smiles and tells her he was glad to help her. She then takes her Major's card out of her wallet and says "Now I'm going to go shopping and use my Major's card and my husband will never know I did it."

Okay, like your husband isn't going to notice the 3 cash advances at the ATM with the 3 seperate cash advance fees and the $220 charge on the Visa? Is your husband blind? Is he just stupid? I think I just answered my question.

Until next time, readers, in which I will regale you with other stories of morons.

Get my name right, dammit!

Many years ago I was working as a cashier for a major department store (Let's just call them Major's because they are still around and I will post about them later. Morons don't just bank. They shop as well.) I am wearing a name tag that has been carefully engraved with my name, Dana. I am at my station, ringing up customers. Ah, here comes a nice elderly couple. I begin to ring up the purchases. The gentleman smiles at me and says "They spelled your name wrong." I smile back at him and think "What?" I finish ringing up and, as they are walking away, the guy says "See you later, Diana."

I really, really wanted to say "Oh, thank you, sir! I am so stupid that I didn't realize that an I was left out of my name. What would I do without your keen observation skills?" Come on, people. Dana is not that uncommon of a name and yet, no one can seem to get it right. It is not Diana, Diane, Deanna, Deanne, Danna or Donna.

I actually had a teacher in junior high call me Donna for half the year. But she spoke so softly I just figured I was hearing her wrong. And then one day I asked for a pass to the nurse and there it was in bold writing, Donna V...... This is not my name. My name is not Donna. It's Dana. Repeat after me. Day. Nuh. Dana.

I even tried adding a Y to my first name. I thought "Hey, I bet if I spelled my name Dayna, people would get it." I was wrong. That just added to the confusion. Some people would call me Dayney. I thought about having it changed but my Mom wasn't thrilled with the idea. About ten years ago, I decided to try shortening my name to DM (Dee. Em. What is so hard about that?) I figured that if there were only two letters, no one could get it wrong, right? Hahahaha. I was so naive. I thought about spelling DM out like Diem (as in Carpe Diem?), no one got it.

It's Dana. Or Dana Marie, if you prefer. I like DM. It's short and to the point. My initials are DMV so, if you are so inclined, you can even refer to me as the Department of Motor Vehicles. Just don't call me Diana.