"Yes, I am confessing to breaking the law."

Why, oh why, do people feel the need to share their criminal acts with the bank? In no way am I saying that criminal acts are okay, but we don't need to know about them. These are just a few examples of the stupid confessors we've run across.

Durango (okay, a car commercial helped me with the name) took a call from Pretty Young Thing.

PYT: I don't know my PIN and I can't get money from the ATM.
D: Have you tried to make your purchase as a credit purchase?
PYT: Well, I can't do that.
D: Can you write a check?
PYT: You see, I'm trying to get someone to buy alcohol for me because I'm underage. What am I going to do if I can't get cash?
D: Unfortunately, you are not going to be able to get drunk tonight.

My call from Horny Adolescent.

HA: I need you to reverse my overdraft fees.
B: Unfortunately, there is no bank error. Purchases were made without your having funds in the account to back them up.
HA: I understand that. I'll pay the fees later. I need the money to pay for this hooker.
Needless to say, I didn't reverse the fees. Poor guy.

A call placed to NABABNA, received by Marion, the customer was Hopped Up.

HU: But I need to get more money.
M: I'm sorry sir, but you don't have any money in your account.
HU: What am I supposed to tell my dealer? I owe him for a ton of crank.

Here's a pretty common call:

Customer: I know I didn't have the money. I need to buy (fill in the blank with diapers, food, or medication and know they're really talking about cigarettes/drugs, booze, gambling addictions, or porn). I put the envelope in the ATM without a check in it to get the cash back. Why's my card closed now?

THIS IS FRAUD. Just in case you didn't know that.

And maybe the call where I felt the worst for the criminal's father on the other end of the line:

Worried Father called. His son owed quite a hefty sum of money to a loan shark or drug dealer.

WF: My son will die if he can't get the money.
B: He can withdraw it. He has access to his own account. Unfortunately, you're not on his account and I can't make a teller in another state give you money you have no legal right to.
WF: If I don't get his money, they might kill him.
B: I want him to be able to get the money. He can go into the branch where he is and withdraw the money. We won't stop him if he's got identification. It's his money.
WF: But his life is in danger.
B: I understand that. We're not going to stop him from taking his own money.
WF: His life is in danger.
B: Can he make it to the branch?
WF: Yes, but his life is in danger.
B: Has he contacted the police then?
WF: No. He can't do that.
B: Why not?
WF: He committed an illegal act.
B: Well, if you're worried about his safety, I would think the police would at least keep him safe.
WF: I'll tell him to make a withdrawal and pay the people back. Thanks for nothing.

Why, why, oh why?