I speak to Mr. Doubtfire

Today I received a phone call from a customer who, I swear, was Robin Williams pretending to be Mrs. Doubtfire. The same accent, the same falsetto, just an actual customer. It was a little frightening. I kept expecting him to say "Surprise! It's really Robin Williams!" He never did.

Mr. Doubtfire (DF) was calling in regarding an overdraft fee that was assessed to his account. Now, one thing that might help you understand my problem with this call is the fact that I have a slight hearing problem. If a customer or banker is a "low talker," I can't hear them. Not even with the amplifier on my phone turned up as loud as possible. If a customer or a banker has an accent, be it British, New Yorker, Asian, German, French, you name it, I can't hear them.

Well, I can hear them, but the sounds fade in and out. This is why it is possible for me to watch an entire movie thinking the guy's name is Chad and it's actually Jad (Minority Report). This is why, when I watched Around the World in 80 Days, I had no clue what was going on since all the major characters had accents.

So, Mr. DF was a challenge. Here's our conversation, or at least what I remember of it.

Banker transfers customer to me after telling me that the customer keeps screaming "I need a supervisor, I need a supervisor!" over and over.

DM: I'm Dana, what the hell do you want (Oh, please, do I even need to italicize here? Of course I didn't say that. (For the record, if I didn't catch the word, there will be xx's))?
DF: I give money to the poor.
DM: Okay. That's good to know. What can I do for you today, Mr. DF?
DF: I use xxx to xxx checks to the poor.
DM: I see (Code for "I have no clue what you just said"). I'd like to help you with that. May I have your account number?
DF: It is 1234xxxxx1 (Hmm, I should have used something other than xx's. He actually said the xx's and was obviously reading his account number off of something either online or a receipt. Because, yeah, I can accept that).
DM: Okay. Let's try a social security number.

He gives me his social security number and his name. Then we go back to trying to figure out what his account number is without the xx's. At one point he asks me if he can just give me his address. But finally, he goes and gets his checkbook.

DF: I will xxx this to you but xxx not sure if I can xxx the numbers. They xxx really small. 1234567891. Is that right? Your numbers xxx giving xxx a headache.
DM: I'm sorry to hear that. What can I help you with?

Here he starts talking about how he gives money to the poor and how he donates money to various charities. Which, hey, is cool, right? This is a good thing to do. But then, before I get a chance to find out what he wants me to do, he starts listing off the various charities he donates to and what they support.

DF: And I give money to xxx, with the wee xxx who are xxxing. I wrote a xxx to xxx because they are recovering from cancer, poor things.

And the list continues but then he, for some reason, starts talking lower and all I am actually hearing is "Mmmm mmmm mmmmmm mmmm mmmm, starving. Mmmm mmm children mmm with mmmm." It almost makes me wish for video phones so I could at least see his lips flapping at me. Then I could pretend I read lips. Finally he stops.

DM: That's wonderful, Mr. DF. I think it's great that you donate money to people. However, what happened is that a check you wrote came through the account and there weren't enough funds to cover it. There was only 3 dollars in your account when this 25 dollar check came through. Do you know why that happened? We could go through the items. When did you last balance your account?
DF: I didn't xxx my statement and xxx and the xxx is mailed at xxx and why can't I get it on the 1st?
DM: I'm sorry you didn't (stab in the dark) receive your statement, Mr. DF. I show that it was mailed on the 3rd business day of the month. I can change it so your statement is mailed on the 1st, would that help?
DF: Oh, that would xxx very xxx, you are a xxx girl (I think he called me a nice girl).
DM: Great. I'll take care of that. Do you know why you became overdrawn?

Wrong question. Because again, I was submitted to the listings of the charities. And then he told me about how he and his wife have an account together but she keeps control of that checkbook and she's very stingy and would never give anyone any money. At least that's what I think he said. He very easily could have been telling me that he was from the planet XXX and I should sell everything I own and join him and his friends in a intergalactic love-in.

DF: And I received a letter from the president, the president, who told me I was a great American citizen (Ooh, gosh, well that's awesome! Get off my phone! (At this point, I threw up my arms in frustration. My boss laughed)).
DM: That's great, Mr. DF. I would be happy to reverse your fee, however, I'm worried that this might happen again. Do you know why you became overdrawn?

Yes, I caved. In my defense, I was planning on reversing the fee anyway. Because it really is sweet, you know, this little old English (Irish? Who knows) guy who has a separate account set up so that he can donate money to charity.

DF: Oh, xxx wonderful. You xxx such a xxx girl. I xxx will xxx my account closer now.
DM: Okay. Now, you understand, this doesn't bring your account positive, right? You still will be overdrawn by 22 dollars.
DF: Okay. I will xxx a deposit xxx. Thank xxx, Dana."

The world would be a much better place if there were subtitles everywhere, not just on DVD.

Identification, it's making me wait.

I promised you a post on identification, didn't I? Okay, here goes.

I work in a phone bank. That means I can't see you. As much as we all wish we were keeping up with the Jetsons and walking our dogs on conveyor belts and ordering Rosie around, we don't have video phones. Or maybe you do but honey, I have to tell you, the phone bank doesn't. No video phones. So that means that the answer to your question why can't I use your driver's license as identification, it's because I can't see you. Get the picture? Good. We don't.

I don't know you. You can say "Dana, you know it's me" all you want but it comes down to the fact that I don't. I have no clue who you are. You are a voice. And for all I know, you're not your real voice. You could be a fake voice that clubbed the real voice to death and is trying to steal information. Okay?

Let's play a game. I will say to you politely "Sir, I'm sorry, but if I were to activate your debit card without properly identifying you, that is placing your funds at risk." Let's think about what the correct answer would be. Hmm, is it A - "You're right. I appreciate your concern, I will call back later with my information?" Or, is it B - "Oh, c'mon, Dana, you know perfectly well that if my card was used, NABABNA would have to replace my funds?" If you said A, you are brilliant! If you said B, you will get to hear me say "You're right, sir, and I'm not willing to take that risk. Thank you for calling. I am sorry I could not assist you." And you will know that I am secretly calling you a jackass.

I do not respond well to intimidation. Screaming at me does not make me want to give you information. Tears do not work as well. Threatening me can result in having your account closed. How hard is it for you to take a few moments and have this stuff ready before you tried to get information?

How would I possibly know what your mother's maiden name is? Didn't we establish that I don't know you? So, no, unless you have already set up a password, using your mother's maiden name, that's really not going to help me.

I have a thought. How about instead of calling and screaming at the poor person unlucky enough to answer the phone because you don't know your account number, you actually find this information before you call us. That way you won't have to lose your voice and we won't sit and laugh at you. How does that sound?

Okay. I think we've all learned from this. Carry on with your lives.