And sometimes, NABABNA is paying them...

At the NABABNA customer service call center, I help manage about 20 bankers. Each are unique in their own ways and there is one that is a constant source of amusement. I'd like to share two of the recent stories about this particular banker. I will call him Mario. I'm calling my manager Popeye.

Popeye's phone rings as we're chatting about an upcoming meeting. He answers it and I see the look of confusion on his face. Here is that conversation:

M: I'm going to be late on my lunch. Is that okay?
P: No. Get back here.
M: I locked the keys to my car inside it. I'm at McD's.
P: I'll come get you.

Mario hangs up. Thirty seconds later, Popeye's phone rings again. He answers it.

M: You don't have to get me.
P: How are you getting back here?
M: Another (exact same make and model car made within the last four years) pulled up next to me. That guy's keys fit my lock and opened the door.
P: What? No they didn't.
M: The only difference was that his is an automatic and mine's a manual.

There is about a 1 in 12,000 chance of this happening!

Later, I was given the privilege of talking to Mario about his quality assurance scores.

B: Mario, do you understand that you should have explained to the customer that the item they asked about had not in fact cleared the account?
M: But I said it in my head.
B: (Holding back gales of laughter): Well, unfortunately quality, nor the customers, can communicate with you telepathically. In the future, be sure to disclose the accurate information in verbal form.
M: Can you get points back for me?

And it's something new every day. I love it!

Apparently Des Moines is the entire world. Who knew?

The other day I took a call from a stock holder who wanted to transact some business. What should be a routine call took a side trip into hell. Listen to my story. Envy me for my great job. You know you want a job just like it.

I work in the stock transfer department for NABABNA. This stock holder wanted to do several things. His account was in an investment plan and he didn't want to be in the investment plan anymore. Mr. Geography Challenged (GC) called and I was lucky enough to be the one who got to speak to him.

GC: I would like to do several things today.
DM: I'd be happy to help you with that.
GC: Thank you. I would like to issue a certificate for my full shares in the investment plan. I would like to sell the fractional share. And I'd like to receive a check for the dividend that's going to be paid next week (the whole point to an investment plan, for those of you who aren't familiar with them, is that when the company pays a dividend, the dividend purchases more stock).
DM: Okay. Would you mind if I check to see if we can issue a dividend check? The company is between a record and payable date (record date - you must have stock by this date to have a dividend. Payable date - the dividend is paid).
GC: That's fine.

I place him on hold and go to see the manager on duty (MOD). I am marveling over how polite Mr. GC is to me. We've been extremely busy lately and I've been yelled at a lot over how long people have had to hold just to talk to someone so they are never eager to be put on hold again while I go ask questions. I should have know this call would not be as easy as I thought. They never are. I ask the MOD if we can do this. She says yes. Unfortunately, I never think to have her look at the account (in writing, this is known as foreshadowing. Now you know that something is going to go terribly, terribly wrong).

DM: Mr. GC, thanks for holding. We should be able to issue a dividend check. So let me clarify. You want to issue a certificate for the full shares, sell the fractional share and terminate the investment plan so that a check is issued for the dividend.
GC: Yes.
DM: Okay. Let me do that for you.

I verify his address, tell my computer what I want to do and it is when I select terminate plan that I run into my first problem. The computer won't let me terminate the plan. It gives me a message to read to the customer. I go back to him.

DM: Mr. GC, I'm sorry but I'm being told that I am unable to cancel the plan. Since the company is between a record and payable date, it's imforming me that you will receive another dividend which will go towards the purchase of more shares.
GC: But I want to cancel the plan.
DM: Okay. Let me talk to someone about this.

I place him on hold again. The MOD has changed and I am speaking to another person now. This person asks me for the account number. Ah. Here's our problem. This company, Convenience Shoppe, is an employee stock purchase plan. Terminating the plan for these types of accounts is actually done with the company, not us. Typically, we would be able to terminate the plan but not in this situation. I go back to the customer.

DM: Mr. GC, I've found the problem. This is an employee stock purchase plan.
GC: I know.
DM: Unfortunately, I am unable to terminate this plan. In order to terminate the plan, you must speak to your company about this. I can issue the certificate and sell the fractional share but I cannot terminate the plan (this seems pretty straight forward, right? And Mr. GC seemed like a rational, reasonable man, right? Yeah. You would think. So far I've spent about five minutes with this customer. It will be much longer). I would recommend that you not have me sell the fractional share at this time because your dividend will go towards the purchase of more stock unless you cancel with the company. Since the dividend is going to be paid next week, you may not be able to cancel in time.

I'm telling him this because there is a cost to sell the fractional share. I'm thinking of what is best for the customer. If I sell the fractional share, he will be charged for it. And then, when he sells the other fractional share, he'll be charged again. I'm trying to save him some money.

GC: No. I'm not going to talk to the company. They don't exist anymore. They haven't existed for two years since they closed in Des Moines. That's when I stopped working for them.
DM: Um, they still exist. I have a phone number for them (I know they still exist. There are several of these Convenience Shoppes in Minnesota. And if they didn't exist, you wouldn't have been receiving dividends for the past two years) so that you may call them.
GC: You don't understand. I can't call them. They don't exist anymore.
DM: Mr. GC, I'm sorry, but they do exist. I have a phone number for them right here.
GC: I can't call them. They don't exist in Des Moines anymore. They closed the warehouse two years ago.
DM: I understand that they may not be in Des Moines anymore but the company is still in existence. I can give you their phone number so you can call them. I have it right here. The number is...
GC (interrupting me): You're not listening to me. THEY DON'T EXIST.
DM: Yes. They. Do. Still. Exist (I am speaking slowly to help get my point across). If you call them, they will help you cancel your plan.
GC: No. All I want to do is to issue a certificate, sell the fractional share and get a check for the dividend. That's it. You should do that for me.
DM: I can issue a certificate and sell the fractional share...
GC: Good.
DM: But I can not terminate the plan so you can receive a dividend check. You will need to speak to the company.
GC: Yes, you can. What do you think my lawyer will say when I talk to him about this?

Oh, no! Not the lawyer. I am shaking in my boots now. Well, I would be, if I was wearing boots. Why do people think that their lawyer can do anything? Hello, dude, you signed a contract agreeing to the company's plan. You signed it with the company. It makes sense that you would terminate the plan with the company.

DM: I'm not sure, sir. Do you understand what an employee stock purchase plan is?
GC: Yes.
DM: So you understand that the purpose of the plan is so that you can purchase stock in the company. With the dividends.
GC: Yes. But I'm not getting a payroll deduction anymore. Because the company closed. They don't exist in Des Moines anymore. So I want you to issue a certificate.
DM: I can do that.
GC: I want you to sell my fractional share.
DM: I can do that but I would not recommend selling the fractional share, there's a cost involved and when the dividend pays, it will go towards the purchase of more stock. There will be another fractional share and there's a cost to sell them. Not selling the fractional share now will save you some money.
GC: But I don't want to do that. I want you to issue a certificate.
DM: I can do that.
GC: I want you to sell my fractional share.
DM: I can do that but I don't recommend it. I recommend you contact the comp...
GC: No. Listen to me (Oh, I am but you're so very stupid)! Issue me a certificate.
DM: Yes, I can do that.
GC: Sell my fractional share and then send me a check for the dividend.
DM: I can't send you a check for the dividend. The dividend will go towards the purchase of new stock.
GC: No. I don't want that.
DM: In order to prevent that, I would suggest you call the company and terminate the plan with them.
GC: I can't. They don't exist in Des Moines.
DM: Yes, Mr. GC, I understand that they may not be in Des Moines anymore. But the company still exists. I know this because I saw one of their shoppes just the other day. I also know this because we have a phone number for them. If you would just call the comp...
GC: I'm not calling them. They'll just drag their feet.

Oh, so you acknowledge that they exist now. Well, if I've accomplished anything today, it's getting this to sink into your head.

DM: I'm sorry, sir. I cannot cancel this plan for you. You will need to speak to the company.
GC: I'm going to speak to my lawyer.

And he's going to tell you to call the company.

DM: You can certainly do that.
GC: Now. I want you to issue me a certificate.
DM: I can do that.
GC: I want you to sell my fractional share.
DM: I can do that as well.
GC: Good. And I want you to send me a dividend check.
DM: I can't do that.
GC: But I'm the stock holder! You should listen to me! The company isn't the stock holder.

No. But they're the ones who set up this plan and they are partially responsible for my paycheck. You're only responsible for this incredibly large headache I have now.

DM: I understand that you're the stock holder, sir. Unfortunately, in order to cancel the plan, you must call the company.
GC: Well, I'm not going to do that. Fine. Just issue me the certificate, sell the fractional share and send me a dividend check.
DM: Again, sir, while I can issue you a certificate and sell the fractional share, I cannot send a dividend check. The dividend will purchase new shares.
GC: I don't want it to do that. I want a CHECK!
DM: I'm sorry, sir. You would need to talk to the company about that. What would you like me to do?
GC: Issue the certificate and sell the fractional share. I'll just sell the new fractional share later.

I have him confirm that this what he wants me to do and proceed with his request. All the while thinking "You moron. You're paying $10 to sell this fractional share and you're going to pay another $10 next week to sell the other fractional share when you could have just let the dividend buy more shares and then you know what? You might have ended up with another full share."

DM: Okay. I've completed your request.
GC: This is just stupid. I'm the stock holder. Not the company. They don't exist in Des Moines anymore.

He hangs up. I stare at my phone. "Des Moines is not the entire world, you idiot!" I hiss under my breath. The phone rings.

DM: Thank you for calling Stock Transfer. This is Dana. How can I help you?
Random Customer (RC): Well, it's about time. I've been holding for twenty minutes.
DM: I apologize for the wait. We've been very busy lately. How may I help you (Ah. A normal customer. I welcome your crankiness)?

Thirty minutes on the call with Mr. GC. Thirty minutes. Well, no one can ever say I don't suffer for my art. If this could be called art. Hope you enjoyed.