Identification, it's making me wait.

I promised you a post on identification, didn't I? Okay, here goes.

I work in a phone bank. That means I can't see you. As much as we all wish we were keeping up with the Jetsons and walking our dogs on conveyor belts and ordering Rosie around, we don't have video phones. Or maybe you do but honey, I have to tell you, the phone bank doesn't. No video phones. So that means that the answer to your question why can't I use your driver's license as identification, it's because I can't see you. Get the picture? Good. We don't.

I don't know you. You can say "Dana, you know it's me" all you want but it comes down to the fact that I don't. I have no clue who you are. You are a voice. And for all I know, you're not your real voice. You could be a fake voice that clubbed the real voice to death and is trying to steal information. Okay?

Let's play a game. I will say to you politely "Sir, I'm sorry, but if I were to activate your debit card without properly identifying you, that is placing your funds at risk." Let's think about what the correct answer would be. Hmm, is it A - "You're right. I appreciate your concern, I will call back later with my information?" Or, is it B - "Oh, c'mon, Dana, you know perfectly well that if my card was used, NABABNA would have to replace my funds?" If you said A, you are brilliant! If you said B, you will get to hear me say "You're right, sir, and I'm not willing to take that risk. Thank you for calling. I am sorry I could not assist you." And you will know that I am secretly calling you a jackass.

I do not respond well to intimidation. Screaming at me does not make me want to give you information. Tears do not work as well. Threatening me can result in having your account closed. How hard is it for you to take a few moments and have this stuff ready before you tried to get information?

How would I possibly know what your mother's maiden name is? Didn't we establish that I don't know you? So, no, unless you have already set up a password, using your mother's maiden name, that's really not going to help me.

I have a thought. How about instead of calling and screaming at the poor person unlucky enough to answer the phone because you don't know your account number, you actually find this information before you call us. That way you won't have to lose your voice and we won't sit and laugh at you. How does that sound?

Okay. I think we've all learned from this. Carry on with your lives.