I need a fork*

I am a fairly easy going person (I know that people are laughing. I can sense it. Shut up!) and manage to maintain my temper fairly well. Unfortunately, there are certain things that can set me off, morons being one of those things.

When I first started at NABABNA, I had this wonderful corner desk that I adored. And then they started surrounding me by idiots (My favorite line in The Lion King is Scar - "I am surrounded by idiots"). First I end up with the Annoying Irish Guy (AIG) - "Oh, I am so great. I am Irish and such a better person than you. Blah, blah, blah" I hated him. Loved his accent. Hated him.

Then there was the Insane Mother (IM) - "And then, the guy told me my envelope wasn't in the box. And I made him move so I could look in the box. And then, Dana, you wouldn't believe it, my envelope was at the very bottom. So I hit him with it. And he had the nerve to call the police." Um, you beat up a federal employee with an envelope. The shock isn't that he called the cops, the shock is that you're not in jail.

But the worst, the very worst person who ended up sitting by me was the Troll. That is the only description for him. If you were to look under a bridge, I'm sure you'd find him. He was stupid and mean and thought the world revolved around him. And I'm sorry, Troll, but the world doesn't revolve around you. This is my universe and you are merely a speck of dust (the difference between us is when I say that, people generally realize I'm joking. He would go to management if someone looked at him funny and complain about the horrid way he was being treated. Such a pain).

This is what I was subjected to on a daily basis.

A customer calls. The Troll speaks. In this nasally voice that made me want to scream. It sounded like fingernails on a chalkboard, like a rusty screen door creaking on its hinges, oh, like any annoying voice you've ever heard. This is what I had to listen to from my once premium corner of the call center:

Troll: Basically, ma'am, if you basically want to basically go to the branch, they can basically help you with your problem.

Argh! Do you understand my pain? I wanted to say "Basically, Troll, if you don't basically stop saying basically, I'm basically going to basically bludgeon you to basically death."

The day he left the call center was a day of rejoicing in my universe. But he's been replaced by someone even more annoying.

I am in the computer room NABABNA has generously provided to their employees. There are also telephones so you could call your loved ones if you so desired to call them. I am reading a very funny blog and all is well in my life. And then he walks in. Baby Talk Man (BTM).

Here is a conversation I have overheard (I may have exaggerated slightly. There is a reason I never became a journalist, you know. It had something to do with the fact that I am, although sweet and wonderful and caring in every way, not exactly a unbiased person. Yes, I sense your shock and accept your forgiveness):

BTM: Hello, my smooky. How's my sweetums today? Oo, how is my little um's tum-tum? Oh, that's good, my random nonsense words. I love my sweet baby. I can't wait to get home and kiss my smooky on her (whispered). Should we go out tonight, my more random nonsense words? I want to show off my love dove.

Argh! Shut up, shut up, shut up! Adults should not be talking like this to other adults. It is sick and wrong and it drives me absolutely insane. I'm so happy that you two have found each other and are in love and the world is your oyster but I've got to tell you, if you keep it up, I'm going to hunt down your love dove and pluck all of her feathers. Got it?

Although, I have to admit, a few weeks ago, he was talking to her and I softly released a small tone of frustration that he may or may not have overheard (okay, I actually said "Argh" quite loudly but then pretended I had read something annoying). The few times he's been in here when I'm blogging, he's been a bit more quiet. Maybe what the world needs is for me to scream "Argh" more often. What do you think, world?

*The fork reference is from when Beth, Keem, Matt and I are at Perkins and loud drunk people surround us. There was a night when Beth had to take my fork away from me because she was worried about the guy sitting behind us. Apparently, I was clutching it a little tightly and making vague stabbing motions. So now, when anyone annoys me, I ask for a fork. She won't give me one.**

**Well, there was the one time when the guys behind us were so annoying that she said she would have given me a fork if she had one...***

***I'm really not insane. I threaten to fork people but I don't think I'd ever really do it. Don't be afraid, people of the internet. I won't hurt you.