This is a bank. Not a 900 number.

On occasion, I have answered the phone to have a slightly hysterical banker on the line. The banker is hysterical because their customer has turned a simple transaction, such as getting a balance, into dialogue for a pornographic movie.

Now, the sad thing about this is that, dude, we're your bank. We have your account information, we have your name and we know where you live. Why, why would you call us when there are so many other places you could call anonymously? Hey, I've got an idea. Next time, skip the bank. Call the police and start harassing them. Avoid the middle man. Because, you moron, do you really think we're going to just sit there and say "Oh, yes, sir, it's so sexy when you say those words to me. What a turn on!" If you do, you are dumber than we already think.

Here are just some examples of things people will say (my remarks are in italics, as usual):

• "Can you go through my account? I want to know all of the checks that have cleared my account in the last 90 days." Banker begins reading information off to customer. "Oh, yeah. Would you read that slower? Ooh." Banker hears noises that you don't normally hear during a phone call. Sounds involving lotion and friction. Then there's a low moan. "Okay, thanks. You can stop now. You've been very helpful." Can I just say "Eew?"
• "You have an accent. What nationality are you?" Banker informs the customer that she is Chinese. "Ooh, are you a hot Chinese chick? You suckee long time?" Oh, yes, let's meet now! I'm so turned on by your stereotypical remark that I can't wait to meet you!
• Sometimes the customer gets really intelligent and starts mentioning random words such as "P*ssy" or "C*ck." Oh, mister, I love animals as well. Let's have some barnyard fun. I'll call you Jackass.
• "What is your name? How do you spell that? Is that S as in Sex?" Yes, sir, that's exactly what my mother had in mind when she named me.
• "You are really nice. May I have your phone number so I can have my son call you? He needs to date a nice girl. If he did, maybe he'd get a job and move out of the house. You know, I was just telling my friends the other day that what I was really looking for was an unemployed guy who lives with his parents. That's my Prince Charming!
• When the banker ignores the customer's inappropriate remarks and tries to keep the call on a professional level, the customer says "Oh, I'm sorry. Don't be mad at me. I'm being a dick. I'm a big dick." Sounds like someone thinks a bit highly about themselves...if you were such a big dick, maybe you could find an actual date?
• The customer has called in and filed five separate research tickets. On the same item. In one hour. Turned out that he was calling in for other reasons which were revealed when he started moaning when a banker started reading off a reference number. It turned out that this customer called in 30 times a day. Yes, sir, reference numbers make me hot as well. Let's read it together...12345678. Oh, baby, oh baby, oh. You stud.

About 15 years ago, I used to work for this submarine shop. Now, this, perverts of America, is the type of place you want to call. You can just dial a random number and harass away (please, please don't take me seriously. Calls can be traced, it is illegal to make obscene and harassing phone calls, just go and buy yourself some porn, okay?). We used to get calls every night, on the hour. I will never forget my first night.

The phone rings. I answer the phone.

DM: Thank you for calling The Sub Shop. This is Dana, may I take your order?
Ham Sandwich Guy (Ham): Yes, I would like to visit your fine establishment and partake of a submarine sandwich.
DM: Wonderful, sir. We'd be happy to have you visit us tonight.
Ham: But wait, before I can come down there, I must ask you a question.
DM: Okay.
Ham: What type of ham sandwiches do you have?
DM: Why we have a ham and cheese submarine sandwich, a Hot Ham and Cheese sandwich and also a ham salad sandwich.
Ham: My, those sound yummy (swear to God, this is how this guy talked).
DM: Yes, they are very good. May I start an order for you?
Ham: Oh, well, before I can visit you, I must ask you. Do you have any girls working there tonight with long hair?
DM: Um, actually, we all have long hair, sir. But we do wear hair nets (and really exciting brown derby hats as well).
Ham: Oh, no. I'm afraid of women with long hair.
DM: What?
Ham: Oh, but, I might be able to get over my fear. Are any of you wearing sweaters?
DM: It's January. In Minnesota (and our owner is too cheap to get the heating fixed). Yes, we are wearing sweaters.
Ham: Oh, that's too bad. I'm afraid of women with long hair but I'm terrified of women with long hair in sweaters. I won't be able to come in tonight. Goodbye.

I just stand there, staring blankly at the phone. The assistant manager walks by. "What's wrong?" she asks. I start my sentence with "I just got the weirdest call about ham sandwiches" and she starts laughing. And then tells me he's relatively harmless. It's the other ones I have to watch out for.

And she's right. While working there, I was flashed, propositioned, threatened, learned how to ask someone to go to bed with me in French and had a fairly interesting time. The obscene phone calls came nightly. You learned how to deal with them and just went on with your life. Because the owner was too cheap to put a trace on the phone as well.

Here's another fairly memorable example:

DM: Thank you for calling The Sub Shop. This is Dana, may I take your order?
Random Pervert (RP): What type of hot sandwiches do you have?
DM: I'd be happy to help you with that, sir. We offer a Hot Ham and Cheese, a Meatball Sub, a really weird sandwich with black and green olives (don't remember the name of the sub).
RP: Oh, well, I have a really hot and juicy Italian sausage I'd like to sell you. Are you interested in hot and juicy Italian sausages?
DM (tired and cranky and I have 8 real customers in the store): I'm sorry, sir. But all orders must be placed through the office. Here is their number. Maybe they will be interested in your hot and juicy Italian sausage.

I hang up the phone. I walk back up front to wait on my actual customers. And every single one of them is looking at me dumbfounded. We all have a good laugh at the random pervert's expense. And this really nice guy answered the phone for the next 15 minutes because random pervert was ticked off and kept calling back. Finally, the really nice guy introduced himself to random pervert. "Yes, sir, this is Officer Mike Johnson from the Saint Paul Police Department. Please stop calling or I will have this call traced."

So when you call me and ask me to read your bank information to you slowly, all I have to say is "Honey, I've dealt with better and more creative perverts than you. Get a life. And look into getting a new account, because yours is going to be closed."