I am not a shrink

Let's face it. People need to talk. I understand that people like to hear words come out of their mouths, but try to understand and find the correct forum for this type of blabber. In working at the NABABNA call center for over 4 years, I've come across some extremely strange situations. I'm not trying to make fun of these people, but there are some calls that may have been crank calls, perverts, and psych ward patients.

One of the favorite calls I ever took for strangeness (and I think this was a crank, I really do) is as follows:
B: Thanks for calling NABABNA. This is Beth. How can I help you?
Mr. I-Need-a-Friend (INAF): I was shopping today and I saw a million dollar bill on sale for $1.99.
B: You saw a novelty item at the drug store?
INAF: What would happen if I bought it and spent it?
B: The Secret Service or the Federal Bureau of Investigation would arrest you for trying to pass counterfeit money.
INAF: Oh. Do you think my family would like one of these for Christmas?
B: I'm sorry Mr. INAF, but unfortunately I am unable to speak about the tastes of your family members. I'm not related to you or know your family.
INAF: Oh. I saw an ad on TV for presidential coins. When will they come out with the George W. Bush coin?
B: Unfortunately, I don't know. You might want to contact the Office of the Treasury.
INAF: You don't make the money?
B: No. The government handles the printing and minting of US Currency. We are a public bank. We could not make the physical money, that would be counterfeiting.
INAF: Would you like it if someone in your family gave you a million dollar bill?
B: Personally? No.
INAF: What's the largest bill in circulation?
B: In circulation? The largest bill that is commonly used is the $100 bill. The $1,000 bill hasn't been printed since the 1960s and when they come into circulation, they are pulled and given back to the Federal Reserve.
INAF: I think my family would like the million dollar bill for Christmas.
B: Then it's your choice to buy it for them.
INAF: I can't spend it?
B: No.
INAF: What if someone accepted it?
B: Then they'd get into a lot of trouble.
INAF: I don't want to get anyone in trouble.
B: Then I'd suggest not trying to pass it as a legitimate form of currency.
INAF: Okay. So, who do you like for presidential candidates?
B: Sir, I work for the bank. I can discuss banking related topics with you.
INAF: Oh. Can we talk about the million dollar bill some more?
B: Sir, that has nothing to do with NABABNA. Did you have any NABABNA related questions or concerns about your account?
INAF: No.
B: Thanks for calling. Have a good night.
INAF: Bye!

Another call received at our call center. This one was not a prank. This was a legitimate person who needed help. This one actually made me a little sad and I understand why we have hospitals and people who devote their lives to this type of work. I admire the people who can handle this on a regular basis. The thing is, we are not trained for this at the bank. We are trained to help with accounts. That's what we do. Here's the call that was taken by a co-worker. I'll call her Sugar. That's how she sounded on the call. Sweet, caring, and helpful. I'll call the customer Personalities? Multiple. Syndrome. Otherwise known as PMS.

Sugar: Thanks for holding. My name is Sugar. How can I help you?
PMS: You're letting people steal money from my account!
Sugar: I'm sure I can help you. Are you stating there is fraud on your account?
PMS: Yes! Stop letting them take my money!
Sugar: Do you know who is taking your money?
PMS: Of course I do. It's my twin sister who no one else can see.
Sugar: Uh...
PMS: Make her stop.
Sugar: Let's start with the fraud claim. Which transactions are fraudulent?
PMS: I don't know.
Sugar: Which ones don't match your checkbook register?
PMS: They all match.
Sugar: So, all the transactions that cleared are ones you know about and you wrote in your register?
PMS: I didn't know about all of them. My sister writes them down in the register and then balances my checkbook for me.
Sugar: So you don't know if any of the transactions are fraudulent?
PMS: Well, some of them are. I have more money.
Sugar: Is there anyone who can help you go through your register to see which transactions are yours?
PMS: No. My sister is married to the Arch-Angel Michael and he works here at the hospital. They're all on her side.
Sugar: But no one can see her?
PMS: Well, Michael can.
Sugar: And he works at the hospital?
PMS: Yes.
Sugar: And that's where you are?
PMS: Yes.
Sugar: Is there anyone there I can talk to?
PMS: Here's my caregiver.
Caregiver: Hello?
Sugar: Hi, my name's Sugar and I work for the bank. I want to help this person, do you know if this is a legitimate call?
Caregiver: She needs more medication. I was just coming in to give her the next dose. I'll handle it from here.
Sugar: Thanks for calling...

We get a lot of calls that don't need to come to the bank. People share information with us that they really shouldn't. Some of my favorites:

"I just brushed my teeth with Pesident. My breath is fresh. What type of toothpaste do you use?"
"Thank you for telling me when that purchase to the discount store was. Now I know the last time I menstruated and I can't be pregnant."
"My sister had a problem with ovarian cancer. Make sure you get tested. I worry for all women."
"I just had a hysterectomy. They took out all of my insides!"
"But I need more money. How am I going to pay for this prostitute?"
"Do you smoke crack? I do. Crack, crack, crack, crack, crack!"
"Herpes are forever."
"Public drinking fountains spread disease."
"I got beat up by the cops are LAX."
"Oh look! A car upside down on the side of the road."
"We're just happy little chipmunks."
"I'm naked. How old are you?"
"I need a girlfriend. Can you help with this?" (To which I replied, "Unfortunately, NABABNA does not offer a dating service." That's right. I did actually say this.)
"My neighbor's house is blue."
"But I need that money. I want to date my cousin and I need to go online and pay for the service to find her. She has beautiful eyes."

I did not make up any of these. I have a list that I keep. To get on the list, you need to be odd.