Are YOU on the list?

Since customers are such an amusing source of humor, I've kept a small list over the years of random things I've heard.  This is in no way a complete list.  I could never have a complete list.  I'd like to discuss a few of these now.
 
WRONG ANSWER!
NABABNA used to take calls for other banks when they were closed to help with certain lost/stolen procedures.  Basically, we closed cash cards over the weekend because the other banks couldn't afford to keep their locations open to close 1 card every 5 weeks.  (This is effective in cost management to outsource this function.)  The thing about this line that customers would dial was that people called it when they wanted to talk to their bank, not just to close their cards. 
 
The only, ONLY function we had was the ability to close the cards.
We couldn't activate the cards.
We couldn't tell you your balance.
We couldn't find branches in your area.
We had no clue what you spent last week.
 
There was a man.  He was an angry man.  I'm not going so far to say psychotic, but he could have found benefits in speaking frankly with a therapist.  This is my impression. 
He didn't lose his card.  He still had it.  He wanted to know his balance.  Here is our conversation (I am B, he is I, it stands for IDIOT!)
B:  Thank you for calling the 'card closing line'.  Is your card lost or stolen?
I:  I want my balance.
B:  I'm sorry sir.  We are an after hours closing service your bank hired to help in situations of lost or stolen cards.
I:  I don't believe this.  You have my balance and you won't give it to me.
B:  I'm sorry again sir.  I do not work for your bank and I have no access to your accounts other than to close a cash card.
I:  WRONG ANSWER!
B:  But I don't work for your bank. 
I:  WRONG ANSWER!
B:  I sit in stunned silence.
I:  I want to talk to the president of the bank, right now!
B:  Sir, your bank is closed.  I don't have the president's phone number.
I:  WRONG ANSWER!
B:  At this point, I want to say, I'd love to get rid of you, you are dumb.  Do you think I want you yelling at me because you're stupid?  I don't enjoy you yelling at me. 
I sit in silence.
I:  Answer me!
B:  I am unable to give you a different answer.  I don't work for your bank.  You can call them when they are open.
I:  I want you to give me my balance.
B:  The only thing I could do is close your card. 
The customer hangs up.  I think it's because I didn't give him his balance, but I'd like to think it was because he was afraid that giving me his information would make his card stop working.  Not that I'd do that, mainly because I've dealt with customers who had this happen.  I love it when customers get upset because they have the wrong number.  Here are another couple of examples where the customer should not have called us:
 
I2 - guess what this stands for!
 
Banker calls me.  "I have a customer who is upset that I can't find her account.  She wants to talk to a supervisor."
B:  Okay, I'll be happy to help.  Send her through.
Transfer takes place.
B:  Thank you for holding ma'am.  I'm a supervisor here at NABABNA.  Tony (the banker) said that you wanted to talk to a supervisor because he couldn't find your account?
I2:  That's correct.  I don't understand what a problem you are having.  I never have this problem when I call NABABNA.  It's only when I call Bank of Bank. 
B:  Um, you did call NABABNA. 
I2:  Oh!  That's probably why you couldn't find my Bank of Bank account.  [long pause]  Would you please apologize to that banker?  I was not pleasant to him.
B:  Sure, I can do that.  Why don't you put all of your accounts with us and then you only need one phone number?
I2:  I think I'll do that!  Thank you.
 
She was nice enough, once she understood she dialed the wrong number.  It was very funny.
 
We actually get a lot of wrong numbers.  This surprises me.  Our phone lines answer as an automated service and it starts the message as, "Thank you for calling NABABNA."  And then these people go through the prompts, get to a banker, listen to the banker say, "NABABNA, My name is...", ask their question, and then FINALLY realize they've called the wrong bank.  I was amazed when the call escalated.  That woman heard the name of the company 3 times and she still never caught it.
 
One of the bankers on our team got this call last night (I'll call the banker Q):
Q:  Thank you for calling NABABNA.  This is Q.  How can I help you?
I3 (guess why he's called that!):  Do you have the phone number for bank locations.
Q:  I can look up one of our branches for you.  What state is it in?
I3:  Illinois.
Q:  What branch did you want?
I3:  Well, it's for Bank of Bank. 
Q:  Um, unfortunately we only have the addresses and phone numbers for banks that are part of our company.
I3:  Oh. 
[Long pause.]
I3:  How do you think I could get the number for that bank?
Q:  Have you tried Directory Assistance?
I3:  I'll try that.  Thanks!
Q:  Thank you for calling.  I'm glad I could...help.
 
Now I must ask.  This customer knew that he wasn't calling the bank he wanted.  Why would he think we had the phone number for a different bank?  Do you call Wal-Mart to find out where a Target is located?  Have you ever walked up to a Burger King asking where McDonald's was?  Would this even cross your mind as an option???  I don't get it.  People are crazy.  And dumb.