You know, you're just asking for me to make fun of you

Recently, I took an escalated call.  Now, this, in itself, is not that amusing.  Having someone scream at you is not fun, especially if you're trying to calm the person down so you can help them.  I have had to, on one occasion, actually interrupt a customer (huge no-no in the customer service field but what are you gonna do?) and say "I am trying to help you.  Please be quiet and listen to me.  I do not want you to close your account.  You are the victim of fraud and I want to help you get your money back.  Do you understand what I am trying to say?"  The customer stopped screaming and said (and I quote) "Oh.  I guess it's really not NABABNA's fault that I'm being ripped off, huh?" 

So, anyway, the call I'm referring to was from a customer who was upset that his account was closed and he was referred to a collection agency.  He seemed to believe this was NABABNA's error.  Here is our conversation.  Remember, when I use italics, this is what I am thinking, not saying to the customer...well, unless I've got the mute button on.

DM (that's me!):  Thank you for holding, sir.  My name is DM and I am a supervisor.  The banker told me that you wanted to speak to me about the fact that your account was closed?

Raving Idiot (RI for short):  Yes.  I haven't used my account since February and apparently, you were allowing Large Insurance Company (LIC) to debit money from my account.  This caused me to become overdrawn and then you reported me to a collection agency.  This is wrong, wrong, wrong and you are all evil pigs who must die.   

DM:  Okay.  Let me make sure I understand this, sir.  LIC was withdrawing money from your account fraudulently?

RI:  No, no!  Where did you get that from?  I had set up payments with them and forgot to cancel the payment when I moved.  God, you're stupid.

DM:  I'm stupid?  I'm stupid?  Listen, you jackass...  I'm sorry you feel that I am stupid, sir.  I am just trying to understand the situation.  Did you contact us when you received your statement to let us know that this had happened?

RI:  No.  I never got a statement.  You people didn't send me one.

DM:  I am only one person, sir.  I am not plural.  Oh, that's unfortunate.  I'm not showing that we've received statements back from the Post Office.  Let's verify your address to make sure we're sending the statements to the right address.  Would you please give me your address?

RI:  I don't know what you have.  I've moved six times since February.

DM:  Well, you're obviously a stable and trustworthy person.  Hey, I think I've dated you.  Ah.  Did you update your address with us, sir?

RI:  No!  Why would I do that?  I wasn't using the account!  And quit changing the subject!  Why did you let LIC take money out of my account?

DM:  Well, sir, you set up automatic payments with them.  In order to stop the payments from coming out of the account, we would ask you to contact LIC.

RI:  Stop blaming LIC!  I've already talked to them!  I want you to open this account back up so they can give me the money back.  God, why don't you listen?

DM:  Oh, I don't know.  Maybe because you're a babbling idiot?  Please forgive me, sir, I'm just trying to find out what you want by asking questions.  I should have realized you wanted to open the account.  By using my psychic powers.   I apologize but unfortunately, I would be unable to assist you with your request.  If you would be willing to visit a branch, they would be able to determine if they will be able to reopen the account.

RI:  I'm not going to the branch.  I've already wasted all the time I'm going to spend with you people.  I can't open up a new account with Bank of Bank because of you people screwing up my account.  Get my name removed from that collection agency so I can open up a new account.

DM:  I do apologize, sir, but I am unable to do what you request.  If you would visit a branch...

RI:  I'm not talking to you anymore.  You're never going to get your money back because you won't do this.  You're a stupid (word that rhymes with witch but yet, oddly, starts with a B)! 

Customer disconnects.  I spend a few minutes laughing at him because well, he's an idiot.  He's already been reported to the collection agency and, by law, he will not be able to open up a new account at any bank until after his name from said collection agency for at least a year...unless, of course, he goes to a credit union and they don't check the list.

Let's review, shall we?  What did the customer do wrong? 

1. He did not change his address with his bank.
2. He did not cancel his payments with LIC.
3. He did not think "Hey, maybe I should close this account if I'm not going to be using it anymore instead of blithely frolicking through life without a care or single responsible thought in my brain and just assuming that everything will be okay."

The very same day, I receive a call from a banker who asks me to look at an account with him.  The banker, let's call him Kyle, says to me that he is speaking to a customer who thought he closed his account in February.  I say "Is his name Raving Idiot, by any chance?"

Kyle:  No, it's Idiot Beyond-Reason.  Why?

DM:  Um, no reason.  Do you have his account number?

Kyle:  Yes.  Here it is.  (I pull up the account.)  As you can see, there is quite a lot of activity on this account, for something that he apparently hasn't been using.  I asked him about the purchases and ATM withdrawals and he says that he cut up his card in February.  So he wants to dispute all of the activity on this account since February.

DM:  But, but there are payroll deposits into this account.  Doesn't he know that he's not getting his money?

Kyle:  Well, that's the thing.  If you look at these deposits, you'll see that these deposits are not in Mr. Beyond-Reason's name.  They are actually in the name of Ima Random-Woman.

DM:  Okay, I'm completely confused.  Who is that?

Kyle:  I asked him that and he first told me he didn't know. 

DM:  This account has been receiving these deposits since last October. 

Kyle:  I know.  I asked him about that.  He then said that this might be the name of his ex-girlfriend but he doesn't really remember what her name is.

DM:  Wait.  He doesn't remember the name of his girlfriend from what?  Six months ago?  (Kyle and I pause in reflection...okay, you caught me.  We paused to laugh hysterically.)

Kyle:  Yeah, that's what he said.  He then admitted he doesn't really know if he cut up the card or not.

DM:  Since this is a sole owner account, did it ever occur to him to call us and oh, I don't know, close his account?

Kyle:  Apparently not.

DM:  Okay.  Here's what you do.  Explain to him that to dispute all of the purchases and ATM withdrawals, you also need to dispute all of the deposits as well.  Get a phone number for him and then ask your manager if you can file this claim off of the phone.  This one's going to take awhile.

Kyle:  That's what I figured.  Thanks, DM.

DM:  Have fun. 

I later ran into Kyle and he told me that the customer continued to insist that he was not the one using this account and everything should be disputed.  Kyle filed all of the claims and then tried to call the customer back to give him the reference numbers.  The phone number, mysteriously, did not work.  So, probably what happened?  Mr. Idiot Beyond-Reason probably just broke up with Ms. Random-Woman and is ticked off at her.  So he's going to pay her back by getting all of her deposits returned.  Not thinking about the fact that, hey, the account is in his name and he's responsible for it! 

Moral of my story:  Please, please, please...if you move, change your address with your bank.  Don't just assume everything's going to be okay.  Do you want to go through life knowing that I'm secretly laughing at you?