Just shut up. You'll get farther.

Tonight at work, I may have dealt with one of the most unique questions I've found in 7 years at NABABNA.  It's not really the request that inspired me to blog, but the fact that the woman I was talking to was the perfect example of insanity. 
 
This woman was upset that the advertisements the bank sends out were only arriving in one of her account statements.  That's right.  She was furious that the bank wasn't advertising to her the same offers MORE THAN ONCE.  She wants us to send her multiple pieces of shiny paper that can just clutter up her home.  This is weird in the first place.
 
I'll admit.  This woman got wrong information from many sources at NABABNA.  Here's the highlights of the call:
 
Banker, I'll call him Frank or F calls me (B).  The woman will be Loudmouth.  Okay, Frank calls:
 
B:  Thanks for calling.  How can I help you?
F:  I was talking to another supervisor and I got disconnected because they didn't want to deal with this crazy situation and they were trying to find a way out.  (Okay, the italics are what I'm sure the guy was thinking.)
B:  I'm sorry about that.  What's the problem?
F:  This woman wants us to send her lots of paper and she's pissed off because we don't kill multiple trees so she can read the same thing over and over.
B:  I'd be happy to help you.
F:  I told her that it has to do with her privacy preferences.
B:  That doesn't sound right.  I don't know the exact answer, but that shouldn't have anything to do with it.
F:  Well, that's what the other supervisor told me and they were checking on it when I got disconnected.
B:  That's fine.  Since we're supposed to take over this type of call, I'll ask for you to put the customer through now.
F:  Okay [pause], Ms. Loudmouth...
Loudmouth: You're wrong!  Privacy preference laws only talk about sharing my information with outside companies.  You can advertise to me all those programs and services your company offers!  I don't think this is right.  This call has lasted too long.  I don't like this.  You don't know what you're doing. 
B:  [I interrupt now - yes, I interrupted.  I know it's wrong, but I've been monitored already.]  Frank, I can take care of this now.  Ms. Loudmouth, my name is Beth and I'm a supervisor here.  I'd like to help...
L:  He doesn't know what he's talking about.  I don't want to explain this again.
B:  I already know what is going on and I'd like to place you on hold while I see if this can be corrected.  Can you hold?
L:  I told him everything!  I talked to the President of the branch here years ago and he said it had to do with a conversion and my Social Security number.  I don't think this is right.  I want insurance.  I should get my free $1,000.
[By the way, I have no clue how a bank would give away a free $1,000.  This seems, in a word, odd.]  He's not there anymore.  He was too good.  He got promoted and I don't want to deal with this.  I've been on the phone for almost an hour.  It has nothing to do with privacy preferences.  You can advertise to me.  I just don't think I care anymore.  That banker doesn't know what he's doing.  I already know the answer.  The President of the bank told me it years ago.  [Yes, she basically looped back and forth.  There was never a breath.  Never!]  I hate you people...
B:  Ms. Loudmouth, I would like to help you.  Can I place you on hold?  [Yes, I interrupted again.]
L:  I already know the answer.  I want my advertising.  I deserve my free $1,000.  What if I died and the man that I don't want to marry but helps me raise my children had no money.  He deserves $1,000.  I said I'd never say wedding vows.  It has nothing to do with my privacy preference. 
B:  I know that.  I'd like to help you.  Can you hold?
L:  The President of the bank, he's good and he's not there anymore, I read the paper you know.  I always know what's going on.  He told me it was a conversion thing and my Social Security number....
B:  Can you hold?
L:  The President told me this.  I want my money.  My man deserves $1,000.  He got the advertising.  I want it too.  I know the answer.  It's nothing to do with privacy preferences....
B:  Yes, you've told me this MULTIPLE times now.  I get it.  Can you hold while I try to fix it?
L:  The President...
B:  Ms. Loudmouth, I can't do anything until you hold.
L:  I've been on this call for a long time now because I just like to hear my own voice.
B:  Well, I can make it shorter if you can hold.  Can you hold?
L:  I've been on this call for almost an hour and I've been dealing with this for 10 years.
B:  Can you hold?
L:  The President of the bank...
B:  Ms. Loudmouth, can you hold?
L:  Can you call me back?
B:  No.
L:  I can hold.
 
So at this point (which, by the way, I shortened for the blog.  Believe, I shortened it GREATLY.  One of the bankers on my team actually took 5 calls in the time it took for me to put this woman on hold.)  I called over to a processing area and stumped a whole bunch of people.  The first guy just transferred me to someone else.  I think he went to ask for help and they just asked to take over the call.  This second woman came on and tried to brush me off by giving me a phone number for our privacy preference line.  Here's my conversation with her (her name will be Sue.)
S:  Here's the phone number for our privacy line.
B:  It has nothing to do with her privacy preference.
S:  It's probably some conversion thing.
B:  That makes no sense. 
S:  Well, if she opts out, she won't get any paper anymore.
B:  But she WANTS the paper.  I told you that already.
S:  She wants the advertising?  That's crazy.
B:  Yes.  And she's losing it because we're not flooding her home in dead trees.  Is there some type of statement handling code on this account?
S:  No.
B:  Then why wouldn't she get this in her statements?
S:  Well, it's a privacy preference thing.
B:  No, it's not.  She's getting the stuff in her other statement.  If it was a privacy thing, she wouldn't get ANY advertising.  And it's not just the advertising.  It's the disclosures too. 
S:  I'll check with a specialist.  Can you hold?
B:  Yes. 
 
Time goes by.  Loudmouth actually disconnected so I never got the satisfaction of telling her the CORRECT answer.  I don't really care though.  She chose to hang up.
 
Sue returns.
S:  Thanks for holding.  I'm still checking on this.  The specialist is asking the other specialists for help.  Can you continue to hold?
B:  Yes.
 
Another delay.  I'm laughing now because I've stumped the entire department.  This is exciting!
 
S:  Thanks for holding.  The reason this woman isn't getting extra advertising is because we only send one per customer and it is generated by whatever account is the first on the customer's profile.
B:  So, because her joint account is a lower number than the sole account, the joint account is the one with the advertising?
S:  Yes.
B:  So, it has nothing to do with her privacy preference and nothing to do with conversions. 
S:  That's correct.
B:  That's good to know.  Thanks. 
S:  Have a good night.
 
By the way, if you're not familiar with jargon, joint account means there is more than one signer with transaction authority on the account.  Sole account means only one person owns the account. 
 
The morale of the story:  SHUT UP and you'll get the right answer, a lot sooner.  Talking or yelling in the ear of a representative does nothing but waste your time and theirs.