When Morons Go To The Movies

No, this is not work related. However, it is a very important that the Morons of America wake up and realize that this behavior needs to stop. It needs to stop now. What am I talking about, you ask? Well, dear reader, please continue reading and all will be revealed.

Those of you that know me personally (or have read Green Duckies) know that I'm a bit of a movie buff. I love movies. I would spend all day watching movies if I could. I would love to write reviews but since I would prefer to watch the Porky's Trilogy over The Hours, I'm not sure I would be taken seriously. When I pay $7.50 for a movie, I want to experience every last minute of the movie going experience, which includes the previews and the Fandango commercial. Don't mess around during the Fandango commercial, people! It makes me seriously cranky. I even enjoy the Movies - They're Worth It campaign that was going on. Movie Piracy is bad. Don't steal.

But I digress (yes, I know you're all really surprised by this). The point is, that when I go to the movies, I want to watch the movies.

So let's just cover some Dana Movie Don'ts, shall we?

1. If I wanted to deal with children, I'd ask my sister if I could baby-sit Josh. Do not bring small children to a movie unless it is a movie deliberately marketed for said small children. In other words, your four year old son is not going to want to sit through I, Robot and is going to continue talking no matter how many times you shush him. He is seriously bored. And I, I am seriously pissed.
2. Movie theaters are not babysitters. You may think your teen or "tween" is old enough to go to the movies by themselves but they really aren't. Do you know what they're going to do while you're gone? They are going to run up and down the stairs, throw candy at one another, have a conversation about what boy they really like and, well, really irritate me to the point that I'm ready to wait for you in the parking lot and make you give me my $7.50 back because you just don't have any sense of responsibility.
3. To the women who thought it was a great idea to sit next to me during Love Actually, let me just cover a few things. Yes, that's Rowan Atkinson who yes, did play Mr. Bean at one time in his career (but, since he is a comic genius, he has played other points and I love him and he is on screen and shut up already!). Yes, Hugh Grant is really hot. No, I don't care about what you had for lunch, what you think is going to happen next or about Billy Bob Thornton and Angelina Jolie's marriage. I am here to watch a movie. If I wanted your opinion on everything, I would ask you out to dinner.
4. To the little punk who shushed me during Anchorman, I am older than you, I outweigh you and I probably outmean you as well. You and your little brat friends deserved to be told to sit down and you know it. Don't shush me and try to play all innocent with your "We're trying to watch a movie" comment because I laughed. Anchorman, moron in training, is a comedy. People will laugh during it. And consider it this way, I only told you five to sit down and keep quiet. Someone not as tolerant as me might, oh, I don't know, beat the crap out of you? I have witnesses to your behavior throughout the entire movie. You're really lucky I didn't have you thrown out. Next time, I will.

Okay, so, if you, by any chance, recognize yourself from this post, please take the time to consider how your actions affect others. I am a very easy going person and if you're pissing me off, I'm thinking the multitude of people in the theater are not going to bat an eye when I drag you out of the theater by your hair. I'm thinking I might even get a medal.