It's time for that new dance that's sweeping the nation - The Joint Account Jive!

I've received many an escalated call regarding joint accounts, enough to make me decide that if I ever finally find the guy just warped enough to marry me, there's no way his name is going on my account. I have enough problems trying to remember what I'm spending my money on, let alone worry about anyone else. Here are some examples of some of the calls I've received over the years.

Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery
Look, whatever you do is between you and God, okay? If you want to flout your disregard of one of the 10 Commandments in His face, well, better you than me, is all I can say. But, c'mon, if you're going to cheat, be smart about it. Your spouse is going to figure it out eventually, especially if you use your check card to buy your new sweetie a special gift.

I received a phone call from a banker who was having some problems with a non-customer. She was demanding to speak to a supervisor.

DM: Thank you for holding. I understand you wished to speak to a supervisor.
Clueless Woman (CW): What are these overdraft fees for? I don't bank with NABABNA.
DM: I'm sorry, I'm not sure of what the situation is, the banker said you couldn't be identified.
CW: This is just stupid. This is a mistake and I'm going to prove it and then you're going to be sorry! Here is the account number...(she rattles the number off to me)
DM: Okay, I have pulled up that account. May I have your name, please?
CW: Clueless Woman.
DM: I'm sorry, Ms. Woman, I'm not showing your name on this account.
CW (Deep sigh tinged with sarcasm): That's what I'm trying to tell you. I don't bank at NABABNA. Why am I getting overdraft fees?
DM: Unfortunately, I can't discuss this account with you since it's not in your name.
CW: No, it's in my husband's name, Cheating Jerk. But we bank with Bank of Bank so he shouldn't be getting these overdraft fees.
DM: Have you checked with him to see if he opened an account with us?
CW: Well, why would he do that? That's just stupid. This is all your fault. You people screwed up and put his name on the account and mailed the statements to our house and started charging overdraft fees and he doesn't even have an account with you!
DM: I see. I'd suggest that you speak to him about this, ma'am. Unless you're a signer, I can't release any information to you.
CW: And look at this! Look at this statement! It's got a deposit from Large Corporation, where he works, in his name and with his Social Security Number. How did you get his SS#?
DM: I'm sorry, I can't discuss this account with you (On mute: He's hiding money from you!).
CW: And look at these purchases! Why would he possibly have any reason to make these purchases? Why would he go to Sleazy Bar or visit Sex Shoppe or Lingerie Store? He would have no reason to go there!
DM: Ma'am, I'm sorry, again, I can't discuss this with you (Oh, you poor deluded woman).
CW: Stop saying that! You keep saying the same thing over and over again! Quit it! I know this is a mistake! There's no reason for my husband to go to the By The Hour Motel! Tell me what's going on! Continued screaming! You people! I'll sue! Arrrrrrrrrrrgggggghhhhh!
DM: Ma'am. Please calm down. This is not helping the situation. I would suggest that you speak to your husband about this. Unfortunately, I cannot answer any of your questions.
CW (Deep frustrated sigh): He's cheating on me, isn't he?
DM: I really, really wish I could answer that question for you, ma'am. Unfortunately, I can't discuss this with you. I would suggest speaking to your husband (or your lawyer (telepathically transmitted through the phone)).
CW: Screw him. I'm getting a lawyer. Thank you.

She disconnected. I look at the phone. "Are you aware it's illegal to open mail addressed to someone else?" I ask her. There is no answer, of course, because she's hung up. I sometimes wonder what happened to her.

I'm Going To Tell My Mommy On You!
Why would you open up a checking account with your teenager? Well, if you were to do a survey about this, you would find that the majority of customers say it's because it's a great way to teach your child responsibility and how to balance a checkbook. And it is true, this is the best way to reach those goals. However, I have run into just a few situations where these good intentions are thrown out the window.

The following call is an amalgamation, if you will, of several calls I have received. In each of these calls, the teenager was the one using the account, the parent was only on the account to make transfers easier. So, since the teenager's the one using the account and they're being so responsible now, you would think they would be the one who would call about overdraft fees, right? Right? Wrong. Welcome to my world. Remember, italics are what I'm thinking. I would never ever talk this way to a customer. Really. Now, where the customer's concerned, the italics is what I imagine they are saying.

Banker: Dana (sadly, no one calls me DM in real life), I have an irate customer who is upset that there are overdraft fees on her joint account with her daughter (oddly enough, the majority of these calls are from the mother. An occasional Dad will call but not that often. And, yes, sometimes it's the son who screws up as well). She wants to speak to a supervisor and wouldn't let me identify her.
DM (sighs inaudibly): Joy. I'd be happy to help her. Put her through (Banker introduces customer to me). Thank you for holding. My name is Dana. I understand you're calling about overdraft fees?
Rabid Parent (RP): How dare you charge me overdraft fees! I have a great account and I refuse to pay overdraft fees! I've been banking with NABABNA for 15 years and I bring in a lot of money and I hold my mortgage with you and I'm not going to pay these fees!
DM: Ma'am, I'd be happy to help you but first I need to ask you some questions.
RP: Ask your questions! Go ahead, ask them! I dare you!
DM: Freak. May I have the account number in question?
RP: I don't know what it is, it's not my account!
DM: I'm sorry, I wouldn't be able to speak to you unless you're a signer on the account.
RP: Well, I am a signer but it's not my account! It's my daughter's. God, you're so stupid.
DM: Um, the minute you signed that account application, it became your account. Who's stupid now? Okay, do you have any other accounts with NABABNA?
RP: Well, yes. I told you I did!
DM: Could I have an account number, please?
RP: I just told you I didn't have...oh, any account number? (Rattles off account number)
DM: Thank you. (I follow the procedures to identify the customer) Okay, Ms. Parent, I'd be happy to assist you. What concerns you about this account?
RP: I'm being charged overdraft fees!
DM: Yes, I do show that this account first became overdrawn two weeks ago and now has a balance of -$163.52. There were two items that overdrew the account and there were two fees assessed at $50 each (Note: This isn't how much our overdraft fees are. They are expensive, just not that expensive).
RP: Well, I'm not paying them. This account can just stay negative for all I care. You bloodsuckers!
DM: Ms. Parent, I apologize for your frustration but the account became overdrawn because of purchases that were made. We disclose all applicable fees to our customers at the time they open the account. I'd be happy to go through the account with you and determine if there was a bank error...
RP: How would I know? This isn't my account! You stupid c-word!
DM: Don't call me names. Ms. Parent, I'm trying to assist you. Please refrain from such language. I would suggest asking your daughter to review the account history and contact us if there is an error.
RP: I want these fees reversed!
DM: Unfortunately, Ms. Parent, I would be unable to reverse these fees unless I was able to verify that there's a bank error.
RP: Reverse them! Arrrggh! I am screaming just for the heck of it! Reverse them!
DM: Ms. Parent, unless there is a bank error on this account, I am unable to reverse any fees.
RP: Why not?
DM: If there is a bank error, I would be happy to reverse the fees. At this time, I do not have any indication there is an error on our part. Please speak to your daughter and call us back or ask her to call us.
RP: Hold on a second (Slams phone down). Ungrateful! Ungrateful, you get down here right now! Here, talk to this stupid bitch from the bank.
DM: Yes, calling me a stupid bitch just makes me want to help you even more.
Ungrateful Child (UC): Hello?
DM: Hi, my name is Dana and I am a supervisor at NABABNA. I would like to go through your account to see if there is an error.
UC: Yeah, you better. I know I didn't make a mistake.
DM: Yeah, right. Certainly, let me identify you (I identify UC). Now, Ms. Child, I see there was a purchase here to Trendy Clothes Shop for $75 and another purchase at College Hangout. Did you make these purchases?
UC: Yeah. So?
DM: Were you aware that your account had a balance of $5.00 at that time?
UC: Yeah. So?
DM: Well, when your account doesn't have the funds to support a purchase you made, this causes your account to become overdrawn. When this happens, two things can happen. Either the item is paid and you are assessed an overdraft fee or the item is returned, resulting in an Insufficient Funds Charge or IFC. Now this particular purchase was paid and an overdraft fee was assessed.
UC: Well, reverse it.
DM: I'm sorry but I'm unable to do that. This was not the result of bank error.
UC: Fine, bitch. Talk to my Mom.
RP: I told you to reverse those fees.
DM (by now I have lost my patience. I have been called the c-word, I have been called a bitch, I have had this little punk sneer at me, I have had this woman scream at me. I have had it. It's time to get rough...or at least, as rough as I can get at work): Ms. Parent, I am going to speak frankly. I have explained that I can only reverse the fee if it is a bank error. Your daughter has just informed me that she was aware she only had $5 in her account when she made this $75 purchase. The overdraft fees were charged correctly. Courtesy reversals have been made on this account before and, in one situation, a remark was left stating that the customer was aware of the fact that no more fees would be reversed unless they are caused by bank error. There is nothing in our conversation that indicates to me that this will not happen again.
RP: I think you're being rude. You can't lecture me! You can't tell my daughter how to spend her money!
DM: Actually, at this point, she was not spending her money. She was spending NABABNA's money. And since we allowed her to make this purchase, we charged her an overdraft fee. There is not a bank error.
RP: I want to talk to your supervisor!
DM: Certainly. I'd be happy to transfer you to his voicemail, if you would be willing to hold. However, I must caution you that he will review your account the same way I have. Will you hold please?


Okay, so what did Ungrateful Child learn from this experience? If you said "How not to take responsibility" you would be exactly right. If you said "How to be a complete pain in the ass that will never amount to anything and be a blight on our society and will probably get busted for drug use and then her mom will be wondering what she did wrong and oh, my God, could I tell her!" you would not only be exactly right but learning to think like me...and that's just scary.

If you want to teach your kid to manage money responsibly, let them pay their overdraft fees. They'll figure it out.