Helpful Advice for Home Buyers

Look, if you're going to buy a house, there's going to be some things you need to know. I don't know much about the whole mortgage thing but, working for NABABNA, there has been some things that I have discovered. And I will give you this list now, because I am a nice person and quite frankly, I am getting sick and tired of people calling me the day before their closing and asking for statements for the last year.

When you approach the mortgage people, ask them exactly what you will need for your closing or any other random things they might want. They will lie. They probably don't mean to lie but they will. They will ask you for some things and tell you that's all they need and, at the very last minute, they will say "Oh, by the way, we need photocopies of a check you wrote 3 years ago. Just for fun, let's say it has to start with the number 5 and be written to a cable company. Because we're just evil bastards." Okay, they probably don't say they are evil bastards. But they are. Trust me on this.

I've never bought a house but, from working in the Call Center for NABABNA, I have come across some odd requests. Here are some things you may want to have on hand before you even go to apply for the mortgage, let alone have a closing date.

Oh, and for the record, it goes without saying that you will need your last 12 statements. And the last 12 rent checks you wrote out. Be smart, ask for photocopies early. Do not be one of these people (This is an example of one of probably 30 calls I have received over this):

DM: I'm sorry, sir, I understand that you are closing today. However, while I would be happy to order your photocopies, I cannot guarantee that you will receive them in one hour.
Time Challenged Moron (TC): But you're my baaaaaannnk (Yes, he actually wailed. I thought I was talking to a 12 year old for a moment)! You have to get me this!
DM: I'm sorry, sir. It is impossible for me to get these photocopies in one hour.
TC: Well, you better! I'm going to lose my house and it will be all your fault!
DM: May I ask, sir, when did you know you would need these photocopies?
TC: Three months ago. Why?
DM: I see. And it didn't occur to you to contact us earlier?
TC: Well, I'm busy! I am a powerful person! I am Zeus, the All-Powerful (okay, remember, italics for the customer are what I think he wants to say, not what he actually did)! Get me my copies! I want you to go to the warehouse and get them!
DM: Sir. It is not possible for me to go to a warehouse and get these copies for you. They are on microfiche and will be retrieved by our Photo Unit. I have placed the order. The request will be completed tomorrow and please allow 3-5 days for delivery.
TC: Do you know who I am? I am going to call So-and-So (names someone I have never heard of but, when I later look up in the employee database, discover he is talking about the District Manager for 3 branches halfway across the country. Ooh. Scary) and have you fired (He hangs up).
DM: Thank you for calling NABABNA, sir. I am sorry I was unable to assist you further.

Here are some of the things your mortgage company might also ask you for, waiting until the last minute:

• Copies of checks you wrote to them for earnest money
• Copies of checks you wrote to someone to repair the home you are moving out of to prove that you actually did do the repairs
• Copies of statements that have your name on it (if you are on a joint account and have known for 2 years that your name is not showing up on the statement but your wife's is, do not call us the day before your closing and ask us to fix it. We can't)

It's not that we don't want to help you. It's just that my magic wand broke and I can't will these things into existence. And it doesn't help when the mortgage company rep gets on the line and starts screaming "Well, you're a bank! You should be able to get this stuff for the customer! They're going to lose the home!" I always want to scream back "Well, you're a mortgage company! You should have told the customer they needed this stuff two months ago! And you don't care if they lose the home, you care that you're going to lose your comission!"