A Drawer Full of Stories

Paperwork can sometimes be an inspiration. I was cleaning up my desk at work and came across a file of situations that were too unique to put aside forever. Sometimes they were customers I spent a long time talking to, sometimes the files in here are for customers with massive amounts of fraud or extremely complex situations, and then, sometimes the customers just say things that are, in a word, INSANE. There are quite a few different situations listed here and they are all a little bit different. Enjoy!

The first file I ran across tonight was for a woman I spoke to over 3 1/2 years ago. I will always remember her. Especially since she didn't actually bank with NABABNA, but thought she did. She never opened an account, never made deposits, never had any type of card for her non-existent accounts, but she BELIEVED that she might bank with us. I tried desperately to help her. The best part of the conversation is as follows:

Disenchanted Woman (DW): I need proof of my deposits into your bank.
B (me!): I am more than happy to help you if in fact you did actually bank with us. I'm trying to find any information about you in our systems. What is your Social Security number?
DW: 123-45-6789 (it was different than this, but I can't release information like that).
B: I tried that number and nothing pulls up.
DW: Well, that's my fake Social Security number. Of course you won't find anything.
B: Then why did you provide that number to me?
DW: In case you had it.
B: What is your real Social Security number?
DW: I'm not giving that out. I hate 60 Minutes. You know, the TV show. I hate it. And that dog for the RCA commercials.
B: Why won't you give our your Social Security number so I can see if you actually banked with us? I'm sorry that you don't like the dog on RCA commercials and that you don't like 60 Minutes.
DW: I was beat up by the Secret Service at LAX. They were looking for a white collar case. They strip-searched me. Then the police in Texas beat me up at the bank. The campus police beat me up and there's a statute of limitation.
B: I'm sorry to hear that. Police don't just beat people up. I know this is hard to believe, but they don't just walk around and start hitting people. What did you do?
DW: Those people at the bank were mean to me and made the police beat me up.
B: My experience is that the branch will call the police if there is a problem, but they don't ask the police to beat people up. What happened?
DW: I'm not talking about that. Do you have my information?
B: No, I would like to look with your real Social Security number.
DW: I'm not giving you that. How come you can't find my information?
B: As of this time, you've provided me with your first name and a fake Social Security number. You said you might have banked with us sometime over 5 years ago, but you're not sure. Do you have any information I can look you up by?
DW: I spoke to Jackie 3 years ago. She works for another company.
B: What?
DW: I called you because I want to talk to your head office.
B: But the head office is no where near here.
DW: Well, then I can talk to you.
B: Okay, about what exactly?
DW: About Wal-Mart of course.
B: Did Wal-Mart do something to your account?
DW: No.
B: Then there's no reason to talk to the bank about Wal-Mart.

Well, needless to say, this woman went on for over 2 hours about random things. She's been beaten up by many different law enforcement officers apparently and she never did actually bank with us. I'm still trying to figure out why a person would have a fake Social Security number. And why they would give it out when they haven't used it before.

When there is a problem (real or perceived), it is always more efficient to be helpful and polite to the representative helping you. Being difficult when a representative says they will help you only wastes your time.

One night I spoke with a gentleman who was not happy with the price of checks. Here's the deal, we don't really come up with the prices. An outside vendor prints our checks and for the quality of the checks, the price is worth it.

The guy had been a great customer so I told him I would reverse the fee for the checks as an exception. That's right, I told him he didn't have to pay. I gave him his request. Was he happy?

It would not be a good story if he was. I asked the gentleman for his phone number to complete the request. He spent 40, that's right folks, 40 minutes telling me that he would not give me his phone number. He said I already had it and that he didn't need to give it out. Unfortunately, if there is a problem and I need to call him back, I need him to actually tell me the number. I explained, politely, that I would be unable to reverse the fee without the phone number. He still wouldn't verify the number.

What does he start on now? He starts complaining about inflation and that the bank should give him an interest-free loan because the United States of America has inflation. Okay, let's break this down. Inflation is a fact of life. Alan Greenspan works very hard with interest rates trying to keep our economy alive and trying to keep inflation from rising. Money does lose value. This is a fact of life. All people have to deal with inflation. This is not his own personal problem.

Here's the other thing, loans are not interest free. The cost of using someone else's money is expensive and that is where interest comes in. Since you are borrowing the money from someone, they are unable to use it. That means the bank (or individual) cannot spend those funds on products/services, or invest the funds somewhere else. Interest-free loans do not happen.

So, the guy finally gives me his phone number. And then he asks for compensation for the last forty minutes of his time. At this point, I explained that I asked him forty minutes ago for his phone number and it was his choice to make the phone call last as long as it did. Sad to say, the customer was not pleased with the fact I wouldn't give him free money. I gave him free checks and I still don't understand his problem.

Automated Teller Machines

In this day and age, technology is jumping forward in leaps and bounds. You can use a card to access your account pretty much any time of day. Unfortunately, some people don't understand how to use an ATM. Here are some brief calls we've received at NABABNA about the ATM transactions:

Really, really drunk man (RRDM): Your machine wouldn't give me money! I gotta pay my tab.

Me: I'm happy to help. Let's troubleshoot the problem. Where in the transaction did the machine deny the transaction?

RRDM: It didn't work and didn't give me money.

Me: Did you get a message before or after you put in your personal identification number?

RRDM: Before.

Me: Okay, so you put your card in the machine and it denied the transaction right then?

RRDM: You have to put your card in the machine?

No, the machine is psychic. You can just walk up and it starts spitting money at you. What? Please, please tell me you have a designated driver.

Mr. Fix-It (FI): I have a problem.

Me: I'd like to help you out. What happened?

FI: Well, I went to the ATM to make a deposit and I put the envelope with my check in the card slot.

Me: How did you make it fit? And it's stuck now?

FI: Yes. I need my deposit.

Me: I can file a claim and call our support area to report the broken machine.

FI: Well, I went home and got the pliers, but I still can't get the envelope back out.

Me: Um, let me file the claim and in the future, please don't try to open an ATM without being a bank employee.

Whinny Woman (WW): My deposit is missing.

Me: How did you make the deposit?

WW: Well, I didn't really make it.

Me: How is it missing then?

WW: On the way to the ATM, I dropped my check in the crack.

Me: In the sidewalk?

Turns out, the woman didn't drop the check. She forced it into the slot between the machine and the wall because she somehow thought that's where it went. Then she realized that there's a spot for deposits and it's actually on the machine.

And technology has gone too far. There are now machines that have options for visually impaired individuals, which is a great thing. These customers have headphones and can listen to the machine if they have troubles seeing the screen. Here's the guy who picked this option and should not have:

Mr. I-Can't-Handle-My-Money (ICHMM): I used one of those speaking machines and it embarrassed me!

Me: I'm sorry about that sir. Did you use the headphones?

ICHMM: No. I'm not blind.

Me: Okay. Why did you select the talking option?

ICHMM: I wanted to see what happened.

Me: The machine talked to you then?

ICHMM: Yes, it took my card and this computer voice loudly stated, "Your card has been detained!" I'm so embarrassed. I want my card back.

Me: Unfortunately, your account was not handled properly and the card is ultimately the property of the bank. I am unable to get you a new card.

ICHMM: Your card has been detained! Your card has been detained! (Yes, he kept imitating the computer voice) I hate you people! Your card has been detained! Dial tone.....

Back to silly calls that don't involve ATMs:

This call was from a man (Would Benefit from Anger Management (WBFAM)) whose account was closed due to threats at the bank.

Me: Thank you for holding Mr. WBFAM. My name is Beth. How can I help you?

WBFAM: That's a weird name for a girl. Your name is really strange.

Long pause. This is me sitting is stunned silence. Maybe I'm biased, but Beth is not an unusual name. It's not as common as Jennifer or Kim, but it's not unusual. Whatever.

Me: How can I help you?

WBFAM: The people at your bank followed all the regulations passed by Congress and I'm pissed off.

Me: I want to understand. You are upset that the bank employees followed the law?

WBFAM: Yes. I wanted to do a whole bunch of investment fraud and they wouldn't let me.

Me: The bank wouldn't let you commit fraud and this upsets you?

WBFAM: I'm going to give your company $100,000 in bad publicity because you followed the law! These are bogus laws!

Me: Sir, if you do not agree with the laws passed by the Federal government, I suggest speaking with your Congressman or an attorney.

WBFAM: The line in the bank was too long. There were 100 people in line and only two people working. There were two people on break. I was in line for an hour and fifteen minutes!

This is where he hung up. Here's the question I have. How is it bad publicity to have a customer go to the press stating the bank did not break the law? Also, how would he know if two people were on break if they weren't in the bank? I've worked in branches before. I've never seen 100 people in line. I don't think I've ever seen a line that lasted more than 10 minutes.

Here's another long line story (that I will honestly say I don't believe):

Insane Woman (IW): I went to the bank. I was in line for over an hour. The line was so long, I had to take a taxi to get through it. (What? How do you take a taxi inside a bank?) While I was getting into the taxi, someone ran over my suitcase! Can you believe that? Someone ran over my suitcase! (Why, why, why did you bring a suitcase to the bank? What is the purpose of that? It's not like you can camp there. No one goes, hey, I'm on vacation, I think I'll check out a room at the bank and sightsee. What was this woman on?)

And finally, one of the scariest calls I've ever received. I didn't actually get to talk during this call, the gentleman just started on a rant and then hung up. This call did involve contacting security and the shut down of this person's account. Believe me, threatening the lives of bank employees, other customers, or yourself is not something that is taken lightly by the bank. Here's the call:

Upset man: I'm bi-polar and my medication makes me tired. I fell asleep on the bus and someone stole my ATM card. I want to get the money from my account but I don't have a card and the nearest bank is over 3 hours away. I want to have my money now and you need to give it to me. I'm going to write to Reader's Digest and expose NABABNA for following the rules. I lived in DC with this guy before who took advantage of me because of my mental illness. I left there and moved in with this woman in [deleted state] who I thought I loved but she also took advantage of me and laughed at me. She stole my money and she had another guy move in and he wears my clothes. I spent last night at a homeless shelter and I haven't had an address for three months now but your employees should track me down and give me my statements. I am going to kill someone at your bank if you don't get me my money right now.

And that's when he hung up. All of this was over $12. That's right. Twelve dollars. He was serious that the bank should be able to make twelve dollars appear in his hands immediately. Luckily, the man was three hours away from the nearest branch but we still took all precautions. People like this scare me. Threatening others is not something that is beneficial or allowed. My advice to him (and many others that we've dealt with at work) is to think before you speak.