An open letter to movie goers everywhere

Dear movie goers,

Last night, I went to the movies. I am a big movie fan and usually spend upwards to $30 a week to partake in one of my favorite activities. I don't mind spending $8 to watch the latest offering from our friends in Hollywood. I don't mind paying $16 for a bag of popcorn and two pops. I don't mind sitting through the commercials and the previews. In my mind, this is part of the movie experience and I am okay with it.

Here's what I'm not okay with:

1. Being held captive by a bunch of teenagers who seem to think that the entire theater wishes to hear about the trials and tribulations of being a teenager. Here's a clue, I already was a teenager. I grew up. I'm an adult now. If I wanted to hear all about your love life, how your teachers are soooo mean to you, who you thought was cute - well, I'd go and get a teenager of my own.
2. People entering the theater late and, instead of walking up the stairs like a normal person, making sure they hit each step loudly. And, when someone comments on it, like we have a right to since we paid 8 bucks for the damn movie, showing your maturity by now stomping on each step as hard as you can.
3. The musical chairs thing that goes on. Now, I have to sit on the left side of Keem when we go to the movies. It is easier for me to reach the popcorn with my right hand. And yes, sometimes I forget which side I want to sit on. But when I have realized my mistake, I very quietly will switch. I don't stand up and at the top of my lungs say "No. This won't work. Muffy, you sit here next to Pooky and I'll sit next to Dopey." Oh, and even if I did, well, because Keem is the organized one, we're usually in the theater 30 minutes before the movie starts and you wouldn't know because you waited to the last minute.
4. If you are going to stand up, please do so slowly. Otherwise your seat will fly up and bounce back and forth and make that damn thwacking sound I hate.
5. Just a thought, parents, if you're going to let your daughters go to the movies by themselves in their "I want to be a pop star so I'll dress as provocatively as I can" outfits, you may want to suggest that they not announce as loudly as possible about how they are there by themselves and Mom's going to pick them up after the movie. I'm sure you're aware of the amount of sexual predators out there in the world that might take that as an invitation.
6. Stop kicking the back of my chair, dammit!
7. I make my own money. I really don't need the pennies you are whipping through the theater because you don't have a life and think this is entertainment.

Does anyone else remember when the theater manager would come in and make an announcement before the beginning of the movie? Something like "Have a good time but please respect others and do not talk during the movie. If you do, we will ask you to leave." When going to the movies was fun, not an exercise in futility as you are forced to listen to people talk on the cell phone, crying babies, loud teenagers and rude adults?

If I ever open my own theater, there will be rules. And if you violate those rules, you will be asked to leave and informed you can never come back. And if you are under the age of 18, your parents will have to provide us with a phone number so we can call them and make them come and get you when you act up. The only people allowed will be those who can watch a movie and respect others.

And if someone slips and yells at the screen "Why? For the love of God, why?" it'll be like yesterday when we were watching Napoleon Dynamite and everyone laughed. I'm sorry about that, by the way.