"Finders Keepers" does not work in banking. Sorry.

Hi. Dana Jones (not my real last name but we're pretending this is a commercial so bear with me (actually, I think Jones works better with my name than my real last name. I wonder if Davy is single and would like to marry me (I think I have over-parenthesized so we're going to try this again.)))

Hi. Dana Jones here from NABABNA. If you have been reading our public service announcements (carefully disguised as accounts of stupid customers), you will remember such classic tales such as why having a joint account can be messy, how using your bank as a porn line can be risky and my personal favorite, why insurance fraud is bad. Today, however, we will be discussing something that, if you do this, may result in loss of property. And, on a lighter note, is extremely amusing to everyone else involved in it. Do you know why? That's right. If you do this, you are a moron.

Take the following example. The major players are Mr. Nixon (not his real name, only for the "I am not a crook" reference) and Marvin (the 2nd supervisor that handled this escalated call).

Our story so far. Bettina, a phone banker, receives a phone call from a very angry Mr. Nixon. He is upset because there is a very large hold on his account. Bettina does some research and realizes that Mr. Nixon received a payroll deposit into his account for $10,000. However, this payroll deposit is not in Mr. Nixon's name, it is in Mr. Random Person's name. Plus, the company making the deposit is not a company that Mr. Nixon works for nor has he ever received a payroll deposit before. And, to make this even more exciting, Mr. Nixon took this money and spent it.

Yes. $10,000 was deposited into his account in error and he spent the money (I'm not sure what he bought but I hope he enjoyed it). Bettina tried to explain to Mr. Nixon that this money was not his and he should not have spent it. Mr. Nixon does not agree with her and demands to speak to a supervisor. He is then transferred to Charmaine, a phone banker who is being trained on how to take escalated calls. During the call, as Charmaine is explaining to Mr. Nixon why he should not have spent that money, she overhears a conversation between Mr. Nixon and his wife. This conversation is not in English, however, Charmaine does speak the same language and realizes what is being said. Mrs. Nixon asks her husband if this isn't the money that they transferred to their savings account and why hadn't he told her where it came from. Mr. Nixon tells her to shut up and continues to yell at Charmaine.

By this time, Beth, Bettina and Charmaine's supervisor, is looking into this account to find out what is going on. Also, Marvin, another supervisor, tells Charmaine to transfer the call to him since she has been speaking to Mr. Nixon for a half hour and he is not listening to anything she says. Marvin is 6'4" and weighs about 250. Somehow, you can hear this in his voice and most of his escalated calls run very smoothly. Marvin thinks that he will be able to control the call and convince Mr. Nixon that he is wrong.

At this time, Beth starts asking Bettina and Charmaine questions about the call because she is going to file a report on it. I start to listen to Marvin's conversation with Mr. Nixon, using a monitoring system. I was able to write some of this down at the time.

Mr. Nixon: I am very upset. NABABNA is not helping me as a customer.
Marvin: There’s a difference between helping you as a customer and giving you $10,000.
Mr. Nixon: I don’t trust NABABNA with my money.
Marvin: What money? It wasn’t your money.

This goes on for a little bit. Marvin discovers the real reason Mr. Nixon is upset. It appears that his car payment is due and he's worried about making it. Yes. That's right. He spent $10,000 of someone else's money and he's worried about making his car payment. Before the hold had been placed on his account, he had $1,800. Now his account was, due to the hold, negative $8,200. His car payment was for $500. Marvin and Mr. Nixon go back and forth about how Mr. Nixon can't make his car payment now. Marvin explains again why the hold was placed.

Mr. Nixon: You put the money in my account. It is not my fault that it was the wrong account. It is now my money. You cannot take it back.
Marvin: I'm sorry, sir, that is not correct. This money was not yours.

Beth and I start flipping through our disclosures. All banks have these. It is a pamphlet listing all the things you can and cannot do with your account. We know that there is a passage in there that deals with this particular situation. When we find it, I run it up to Marvin.

Marvin: Mr. Nixon, I would like to read you something from the bank's disclosures. This is very important. I want you to listen to this. Are you listening?

He reads the information that states that if, for any reason, money is placed into your account in error, NABABNA does reserve the right to withdraw that money and it is not yours. In other words, no, you don't get to keep it and chanting "Losers Weepers" doesn't get you anywhere (It's the same thing that happens if your payroll department gives you too much money. Once they realize their error, they'll correct it and take the money out of your next paycheck. I've known people that thought it was okay to spend the money and then their next paycheck was for five dollars).

Mr. Nixon: What does that mean?
Marvin: This means if there is $10,000 placed into the account, it would be a good idea to check with the bank before spending the money.
Mr. Nixon: Why would I do that? You made a mistake. I did not. The money is mine. What if it happened to you? You would spend money, right?
Marvin: No, sir, the money is not yours. If this would happen to me, I know to check this with the bank because I don’t want to be bitten somewhere I don’t want to be bitten.
Mr. Nixon: I am very upset. I should have $1,800. I don't have $1,800 in my account anymore. That is my money. You can not take it.
Marvin: You’re right. You don’t have $1,800 in your account. You have negative $8,200 in your account.
Mr. Nixon: It’s not right for the bank to take my money.
M1: It’s not your money.

I'd like to say that Mr. Nixon finally realized the error of his ways and returned the money to NABABNA and all was well. Unfortunately, this was not the case. Marvin and Mr. Nixon argued back and forth about this for approximately 45 minutes. Mr. Nixon never once said "Hey, Marvin, you're right. I never should have taken this money." Instead, he hung up after threatening to sue NABABNA.

So, moral of the story is that we're not in kindergarten. You're not talking about a penny you found on the street. If there is money placed into your account and you don't know where it came from, don't think "Oh, hey, they made a mistake. They'll never figure it out." For the record, this wasn't our mistake, it was the payroll department's and they figured it out when their employee called them and said "Hey, I never got my paycheck. What's going on?"

Anyway, this is Dana Jones signing off and saying "Thanks for listening. We'll return next week with another tale of horrid account managing."