Where's my 20 dollars?

Back when I was working at Major's Department Store, I became friends with a guy named Jake. He used to have some of the oddest customers and this became one of my favorite stories. So I've decided to share it with you, changing his name and the store's name. I will be making the occasional remark, in italics.

Jake was working the Customer Service desk one day when this customer, Stupid Brainless Woman (SBW) came up and wanted to make a payment to her Major's credit card. Jake was happy to assist her with that.

J: I'd be happy to help you make a payment to your Major's credit card. I am showing you have a balance of $800.00 today. How much would you like to pay towards the balance?
SBW: I would like to payoff the balance today.
J: Wonderful. How would you like to make your payment? Will that be cash or check (notice that he only gives her these two options. That's because these are the only two options)?
SBW: No. Visa.
J: I'm sorry, I can't accept a Visa card to make a payment to your Major's card. I can only accept cash or a check. Which would you prefer to use?
SBW: Visa.
J: I'm sorry, ma'am, I can only accept cash or check.
SBW: Well, I want to use my Visa. You should let me use my Visa.
J: I'm sorry, ma'am, but I can't process the request for you using a Visa card. However, I have a suggestion for you. You do have the option of making a cash advance from your credit card. If you were to visit a branch, you could make a withdrawal from the credit card and then pay your Major's card by using cash.
SBW: That's a good idea. Where's an ATM machine?
J: Well, there are five different banks outside of the mall. You could visit one of those (there was an ATM in the mall, however, Jake was thinking she would actually go inside a bank and request a cash advance) and ask a teller to process an advance from your card. You can also use an ATM if you wish.
SBW: Okay, I'll be back.

About twenty to thirty minutes go by. The customer returns.
J: Ah, Ms. Stupid Brainless Woman, how nice to see you again. Were you able to make a cash advance?
SBW: Yes, I was.
J: Wonderful. Did you still want to pay the full balance on your Major's charge?
SBW: Yes. Here.
She hands him a stack of twenty dollar bills. Jake starts counting them.
J: Ms. Stupid Brainless Woman, you have given me $200. Is that correct?
SBW: Yes.
J: Your entire balance is $800. Will you be writing a check for the remainder of the balance?
SBW: No.
J: How would you like to pay the remainder of the balance (Right now, Jake has not yet grasped the idea of how stupid and brainless this woman is. He honestly thinks that she might actually have $600 in cash on her. Silly Jake)
SBW: No. I'd like to use my Visa. (It is here that I like to imagine Jake staring at her while crickets make that cricket sound they do. There is a bit of a pause (Oh, five cricket chirps)) Is there a problem?
J: Unfortunately, ma'am, I am unable to use a Visa to make a payment to a Major's credit card. I can only accept cash or a check. Would you like to use either of those?
SBW: Well, you told me I could withdraw cash and use the cash and I did. Why won't you help me? All I want to do is pay my credit card off.
J: You're right, ma'am, I did make that suggestion. However, I thought that you would make a cash advance for the entire amount of $800. I apologize for not suggesting you do so (I apologize for assuming you had a brain). Perhaps you would like to make another advance?
SBW: I suppose. I'll be back.
J: Would you like to take your $200 back?
SBW: No. You hold on to it.
And she's off. Jake is worried that she will accuse him of trying to take her money so he makes sure he marks it with her name and card number and puts it on the rear counter.

Another twenty to thirty minutes go by. Jake looks up and there is the customer.
J: Welcome back. How did the transaction go?
SBW: Great.
She hands him another stack of twenties. Jake counts it. He looks up at her.
J: Ma'am, this is $200. This brings your total to $400.
SBW: I know.
J: Your balance is $800. Did you still want to pay off the entire credit card?
SBW: Yes (Annoyed, sarcastic yes. If you have seen In and Out, it's the same yes that Kevin Kline does when the tape asks him if he's a man). What is the problem?
J: And how did you want to pay off the remainder of the card?
SBW: I want to use my Visa (Jake is staring at her now with the universally recognized "You're kidding, right?" look on his face). What?
J: I'm sorry, I just wanted to make sure I understood. You wish to use your Visa. I have explained that I can't accept a payment to a Major's credit card from a Visa card, haven't I (He wasn't being sarcastic at this point, he seriously thought maybe he hadn't explained it to her)?
SBW: Yes, but I want to use my Visa and you told me I could do a cash advance.
J: Yes, I do remember telling you that a cash advance could be done. I thought I made it clear that you should do the advance for the entire $800. I apologize if that wasn't clear.
SBW: Whatever. I'll be back.
And she leaves again. Jake includes the $200 she just gave him in the bundle of $20's he already has.

An hour passes. Jake goes to lunch, hoping that she will come back and someone else will get to deal with her. No such luck. He comes back from lunch and there she is, tapping her foot.
J: Ms. Stupid Brainless Woman. How lovely to see you again (yes, he was being sarcastic. No, she couldn't tell).
SBW: I've been waiting five whole minutes for you to come back.
J: I'm sorry, I had gone to lunch. How rude of me not to be here when you returned. Didn't anyone else offer to help you?
SBW: Yes but I didn't want them. I wanted to talk to you.
J: I feel very special. Well, let's get that Major's card paid off. Did you do a cash advance?
SBW: Yes, I did.
J: Wonderful.
SBW: Here is the money.
She hands him another stack of twenties. Jake counts the money.
J: Ms. Stupid Brainless Woman, this is $180. Were you still planning on paying off the entire card balance?
SBW: Well, of course I was. Haven't we established that yet?
J: Right you are. And how were you going to pay off the remainder of the balance.
SBW: With my Visa.

Yes. She said it again. Jake is floored. He cannot believe anyone could be this stupid. In his frustration, he makes the biggest customer service mistake you can make...he lets the customer see that he is frustrated. He places both hands on the counter and looks up at the ceiling in an exaggerated, why God are you torturing me, slow motion kind of way.

SBW: Why are you doing that? Why are you looking at the ceiling that way? You think I'm stupid!
J: Oh, no, Ms. Stupid Brainless Woman, I don't think you're stupid. I am just frustrated because we are obviously having a communications breakdown (Nice cover, Jake). I really want to help you make your payment but I don't know how to make you understand that you cannot use your Visa to make the payment.
SBW: But I've gone to the ATM 3 times! And I have given you $600. What's the problem?
J: I understand that you've gone to the ATM 3 times, however, you've only provided me with $580.
SBW: No, I haven't. I gave you $600. I have my receipts right here (She pulls out her ATM receipts. Because that's so going to prove that she gave him $600). Look! Look! 3 receipts. $600!
J: Ma'am, I have the money right here. This last time, you only gave me $180.
SBW: No, I didn't. You stole my twenty dollars! I want my money back!
J: Ma'am. You watched me count the money. I have had it in front of you the entire time.
SBW: Stop talking, you thief! I want my twenty dollars!
J: Ma'am, if you would like, I can certainly ask the store manager to show you the tape of our entire transaction.
SBW: Well, if you didn't take the money, what did I do with my twenty?
J: I don't know ma'am, you were gone for awhile this last time. Did you go to lunch?
SBW: Oh (her face lights up. The proverbial light bulb is shining on her stupid brainless face)! I know what I did! I put it in my gas tank.

It is always at this point of the story that Jake would say " I seriously think she actually took the money, opened up her gas tank and put the money inside. I bet if they drained her gas tank, they would find a ton of money in there. She was that stupid."

J: Well, I'm glad we cleared that up. Now, we have $580 here. The card balance is $800. If you subtract $580 from $800, you have a total of $220 remaining. How do you want to pay this balance? Will you write a check?
SBW: No. I want you to use my Visa (You must admire Jake's restraint. A lesser man might have bludgeoned her to death with her Visa card). I am the customer and the customer is always right. Do I have to speak to your manager?
J: Hold on a moment (He has had it. He is about to lose control and he doesn't think he likes it. He grabs the phone and dials Visa).
Visa Operator (Bob): Thank you for calling Visa. This is Bob. How can I help you?
J: Bob, this is Jake Blahblahblah from Major's Department Store. I have a situation here. Our mutual customer, Ms. Stupid Brainless Woman, would like to pay off her Major's credit card using her Visa card. I would like you to help me resolve this situation for the customer.
Bob: Are you crazy? You can't do that. You can't use a credit card to pay off a credit card.
J: Yes, Bob, I am aware that you cannot use a credit card to pay off another credit card. However, Ms. Stupid Brainless Woman is insistent that I perform this transaction.
Bob: She's standing right there, isn't she?
J: Yes.
Bob: She's an idiot, isn't she?
J: Yes, Bob, that is correct.
Bob: God, I hate these people. All right, let's see what we can do.

Bob, pulling some miracle out of thin air, is able to run the transaction through for Jake. The stupid brainless woman who has caused all of this trouble does not even have the decency to thank Jake for all of his hard work. She actually looks him straight in the eye and says "I told you I could do it."

Jake does not kill her but just smiles and tells her he was glad to help her. She then takes her Major's card out of her wallet and says "Now I'm going to go shopping and use my Major's card and my husband will never know I did it."

Okay, like your husband isn't going to notice the 3 cash advances at the ATM with the 3 seperate cash advance fees and the $220 charge on the Visa? Is your husband blind? Is he just stupid? I think I just answered my question.

Until next time, readers, in which I will regale you with other stories of morons.