"I am very upset."

I wish I could tell customers the first thing that comes to my mind. I really do. There are certain things I just can't say though. This call could have been so much fun if I was able to say what I put in italics.

I take escalated calls at work, I've explained this before. Tonight was no different. Here's the call from Ms. Wants to be an Adult.

B: Thanks for holding WA, my name is Beth and I'm a sup, etc., etc., I understand you want to speak to me because we decided to take care of half of your fees and this is not enough?
WA: I am very upset. I am very upset. I am just so very upset.
B: Really? I couldn't tell after the first two times you told me that. What are your concerns?
WA: I don't think it's fair for you to take my money! I am just so upset!
B: There were fees assessed to your account for going overdrawn, yes. This is a consequence to being overdrawn.
WA: But I didn't know those checks would clear!
B: Did you write the checks?
WA: Yes. But you didn't tell me they would clear!
B: Did you write the amounts in your register?
WA: Yes, but I figured they wouldn't clear until you told me they would and then I could have covered the amount.
B: Okay, you wrote the checks, you knew they were outstanding, but you weren't going to cover the money you spent until AFTER the bank received the items?
WA: Yes.
B: If you're writing checks, you would want to have the money in your account FIRST. Otherwise, you run the risk of overdraft fees. It is your responsibility to keep track of your own spending.
WA: Don't talk to me like I'm a two-year old.
B: Then stop acting like a two-year old and take responsibility for your own life. I'm sorry you feel that way.
WA: You stole my money!
B: Ms. WA, if you spent money not in your account, you are using the bank's money. The bank has a right to charge a fee for this.
WA: You never told me how you process items!
B: I would be happy to send the same disclosures to you that you received when you opened your account.
WA: I have them in front of me!
B: Then we did tell you. You signed the agreement stating you knew that information. So you agree that you had the information?
WA: Yes!
B: And your concerns are?
WA: I'm not paying these fees!
B: The fees have already been charged to your account. This is the consequence for spending money not in your account.
WA: I made a deposit.
B: You did make a deposit, it was made the day AFTER these items cleared.
WA: So?
B: The money wasn't there to cover these items. When did you write the checks?
WA: Last week.
B: So you are admitting to playing the float before a check clears?
WA: So?
B: This is considered mishandling your account and could be considered a form of fraud.
WA: I'm going to close my account unless you reverse ALL of these fees!
B: There is no bank error, I'm not going to reverse any more fees. We have already met you halfway in the spirit of goodwill.
WA: I'm going to close my account unless you reverse ALL of them!
B: Unfortunately (translation: you're screwed), I won't be reversing any more fees. Telling me that you will close your account is not something I can use to make this decision.
WA: Why not?
B: Using a threat from a customer in decision making would be unethical. You have the option at any time to keep an account open or to close it.
WA: Send me information on how to close my account!
B: I have nothing to send, I can go through the information with you.
WA: Fine.
B: I gave the options.
WA: Send me information.
B: I've explained already that I have nothing to send. I can tell you this information again if you'd like.
WA: This is bad customer service.
B: What is bad customer service?
WA: You can't send me this!
B: I'm providing you the information right now.
WA: Whatever. I am very upset. I'm just so upset.
Click.