Out of the Mouths of Morons

Just because it's been so long - Or why the numbers are driving me insane

2005-11-16T16:59:00.000-08:00

There have been questions asked as to why we have not updated in awhile. Well, the answer is simple. Beth recently got promoted to Supervisor (yay, Beth!) and is no longer taking escalated calls. I am still in the same job and, while I do run into the occasional moron, the calls aren't that interesting. However, yesterday I got three calls in a row that made me want to scream "Is everyone an idiot?"

You all strike me as reasonable, intelligent people. So, when I explain that we have an automated system that asks you to enter your account number or social security number into the phone and that information will be displayed on my phone when I answer your call, you get that, right? Please don't make me get technical. I'm bad with technical descriptions of any kind.

The rest of the world doesn't seem to get it. Here are my calls in no particular order.

I know it's been awhile but the things I say in my head or while pressing the mute button are in italics. All numbers entered are not real account or social security numbers.

The phone rings. I look at my screen, fingers poised over the keyboard to enter in the number I see displayed. It is neither long enough to be an account or social security number.

DM (That's me!): Thank you for calling Stock Transfer Services. This is Dana. How may I help you?
Jerk who Annoyed me Rapidly (JAR (Hey. It's my acronym and I'll shorten it if I want to. You would shorten it too if it happened to you)): Why did I get this letter?
DM: I'd be happy to help you with that, sir. I am showing you entered in the number 2657843 (fake number, not that it would do anything).
JAR: What is that?
DM: I'm not sure, sir. You're the one that entered the number in (Moron).

Mr. JAR then launches into a five minute tirade about how all the people that I work with are idiots because he filled out his forms incorrectly. Yes, sir. You are absolutely right. We should process things the way you want and not follow the guidelines of the Stock Transfer Association. Why, the fact that we could end up with huge fines is silly. You are so brilliant by calling me stupid. Thank you.

I am finally able to convince Mr. JAR that he would be better off following our instructions then submitting his information incorrectly over and over again and having it rejected each time.

The next call I took was from a little old lady. Again, there was information entered in on the phone.

DM: Thank you for calling, etc.
Little Old Lady (LOL): I need information on selling my stock.
DM: Okay, I'd be happy to help you with that. I am showing you entered in account number 1234567890.
LOL: What?
DM (raising my voice): I am showing you entered in account number 1234567890.
LOL: What?
DM (practically yelling into the phone while my coworkers laugh): 1234567890.
LOL: What?
DM (Hit mute button. Sigh deeply): May I have your account number please?
LOL: I entered it in. Didn't you get it?

Needless to say, this call was an exercise in frustration.

The last call was from a woman whose shares had become escheated. To put this as simply as possible, escheatment means that you had shares, we lost contact with you (9 out of 10 times this is because you moved and didn't bother to give us your new address) and we are required, after a long time frame (typically at least a year), to send the shares to the state.

DM: Thank you for calling, blah blah blah blah blah.
Save Our Shares (SOS): I have old shares for Small Bank that went through a name change and merger and I need to convert them to Large Bank shares but they are held with the state. How do I do that?
DM: If the shares are held with the state, you would need to have them issued in your name again and then contact us to do the exchange. I'm showing you entered in 123-45-6789 (it looked like a social security number) but I'm not pulling up anything.
SOS: That's my checking account number with Large Bank.
DM: Your checking account number.
SOS: Yes. Do you have my account information?
DM: No. Could I please have your social security number?

Why, why, WHY would you call a stock transfer department about stock and enter in your checking account number? How does that make any sense at all?

Anyway, when I get three calls in a row from three morons, I know that it's a sign. Thanks for reading and for your patience.

What the heck is with all of these crazy people?

2005-09-21T12:35:00.000-07:00

Going through the account and I found that I never published this call. I have no idea what the other calls were about, I only wrote about the one. This post was started on October 1, 2004. Hmm. Not quite a year.

Anyway, sorry we haven't updated in awhile. Beth recently got promoted to a Supervisor (Yay Beth!) and doesn't take escalated calls anymore. And, while I occasionally get a crazy person or two, they aren't that interesting, just insane. Hopefully we'll have more calls in the future. And hey, tax season is less than 3 months away. Oh, my God.

Okay, yesterday was my last day taking escalated calls at NABABNA. It seemed like the powers that be wanted to really reinforce my decision to leave this glamorous job where people screamed at me a lot was a good one because, in the four hours I was scheduled on the phones, I got some of the oddest calls.

I think I took a total of 15 calls. At least 9 of them were escalated. I'm not going to list them all, not all of them were that odd but there were a few that made me want to reach through the phone and stab all of these people with a fork.

Let's visit the madness, shall we? And again, what I'm thinking or what I think the customer is thinking is in italics.

Website Woes

DM: Help Desk, this is Dana, how can I help you?
Babbling Banker (BB): This customer is driving me crazy, they won't shut up and listen to me talk. I'm the star here! I am! I'm trying to explain this procedure to him and he just doesn't get it (She outlines the procedure she is talking about. She's wrong).
DM: Oh, okay. I'd be happy to help you with that. You idiot. Look in your manual. It's right there (I explain what she needs to do).
BB: (Dead silence)
DM: Was there anything else I can help you with?
BB: Well, yeah, he wants to talk to my supervisor. Duh.
DM: Ah. I'm sorry, you didn't mention this was an escalated call.
BB: Yeah, I did. Bitch.
DM: No, BB, I'm sorry. You did not. You said you were trying to explain the procedure to him. I would be happy to take the call but would you be willing to, in the future, let us know right away that it's an escalated call? Otherwise we think you're asking us how you should handle the call and don't realize the customer is holding for a supervisor.
BB: Fine. I'll do that. Can I bring him on the line? You bitch! How dare you talk to me like that. I'm the star here!

She brings the customer on the line, I introduce myself.

DM: I understand you have some questions about overdraft fees.
Internet Genius (IG): No. I have questions about why your online banking site. I checked this site at 10:00 PM, right before I went to bed and I had money in my account. Now I am overdrawn. How is this possible? Your site is wrong. This is horrible.
DM: I'm sorry you feel that way, sir. Are you referring to the fact that you did not see check #123 on your account yesterday?
IG: Yes. Why couldn't I see that item? You people! Ripping me off! Monetary Money!
DM: I'd be happy to explain this to you. The reason you could not see this item is because it is a check. The online website will show you any electronic item that is coming through your account. It will not show you paper items until we finish processing them.
IG: You haven't finished processing by 10 PM? How slow is that?
DM: Actually, sir, you wouldn't be able to see paper items until the following day, after our systems have completed updating.
IG: I checked at 10 PM! That's really late!
DM: I understand that, sir. However, as I said, our systems do not update until the following day.
IG: So you're saying that this item came through today.
DM: No. It came in on yesterday's business.
IG: What time? Before 10 PM? I checked at 10 PM!
DM: I realize that, sir. However, our system does not update until the following day. My God, how many times do I need to explain this to you?

I'll tell you how many times I had to explain it to him. 5 times. 5. Five. He did not get it. At all. I finally, in a fit of frustration, said "Look. You're a good customer. You're upset about the fee. I understand that. You made a mistake. It happens. You didn't have the money in your account for all of your purchases, including this check. You probably wrote something down wrong. Or added wrong. Whatever. But don't blame this on our website. Don't accuse us of stealing your money. We can't update our system everytime something comes through your account. It wouldn't work. We'd have to charge you a $100 a day just for having an account with all the extra processing we would do. Okay? Dude? Do you understand me? Just keep better track of your account and Life will be Good again." Okay. I didn't exactly say that. But I was pretty damn close to it. I used a much more customer friendly version of the above speech and reversed his fee. Because he was a good customer and he finally realized that he couldn't blame us for his mistake.

What's Your Name, Little Girl?

2005-05-19T10:53:00.000-07:00

My name is Dana. Dana. D. A. N. A. It’s not that difficult. But apparently, no one can it straight. Here’s my conversation today with a stock owner that was completely in love with the sound of his voice. He would not let me get a word in edgewise.

DM: Thank you for calling Shareholder Relations, this is Dana. How many I help you?
Mr. I Love Me (ILM): Xana?
DM: No. Dana.
ILM: Zana?
DM: No. Day. Nuh. D. A. N. A.
ILM: Oh. Jana.
DM: No. D as in David. A. N. A.
ILM: Donna, I have been on hold for one full half hour. I have to let you know that this is very disturbing and I am very upset about this. I should not have to wait this long.
DM: I am sorry about the hold, sir, this is…
ILM: Donna, don’t apologize, it’s not your fault. I’m not angry with you, Donna.
DM: Sir, my name is Dana (Now, I will pretty much answer to anything that starts with a D but it’s important that I make sure he knows my correct name in case my call is being monitored).
ILM: Donna, I want to make sure I let you know, because I know this call is being monitored, how upset I am that I held so long. This call is being monitored, correct? You can confirm that, Donna? Will you confirm that?
DM: Yes, sir, I can confirm that. Sir, my name is Dana.
ILM: Anyway, Donna, I am very upset. I am calling because I want to find out some information and it is ridiculous that I should have to hold this long. Donna, I am letting you know this because I want someone to hear me say this on this recorded line. You will confirm that this is a recorded line, right, Donna?
DM: Yes. Sir, my name is Dana.
ILM: It is hard to believe that in this day and age I should have to hold this long. Donna, I want to tell you this because I want a supervisor to hear this on the recorded line.
DM: Yes, sir, the line is recorded. My name is Dana. Not Donna.
ILM: Donna?
DM: No. Dana. D as in David. A as in Apple. N as in Nancy. A as in Apple.
ILM: Oh, Dana. Okay (You know that tone people use when something has finally sunk in? That’s the tone he used. Sort of an “Eureka, I’ve got it.” Which makes, of course, what he said next even more amusing). Donna, the reason I’m calling is because I had a question about my 1099 forms. These are tax forms. Are you aware of what a 1099 form is, Donna (Since he has acknowledged my name, I’m not going to try to get him to call me Dana. I have given him my correct name)
DM: Yes, sir, I am. If you could provide me with your account or social security number, I could…
ILM: A 1099 form is provided when there are dividends paid.
DM: Yes, sir, I know that. If you could…
ILM: I did not receive my 1099 form, Donna. I need to have one sent to me.
DM: Yes, sir. I will be happy to help you with that if you could…
ILM: Do you have my account pulled up, Donna?
DM: No, sir, I don’t. If I could have your…
ILM: I’m sorry. Your name is Dana, isn’t it?
DM: Yes, sir…
ILM: That was very rude of me, Dana. I apologize.
DM: That’s fine, sir. May I have your…
ILM: Why do you not have my account pulled up yet?
DM: Sir, I would be happy to help you, if I could just get your account or social security number.
ILM: Of course. It is 123-45-6789.
DM: Thank you.
ILM: Now, Donna, I would like to know why I did not receive my 1099 form.
DM: May I have your name…
ILM: It is very important that I receive a 1099 form. I need to pay taxes. Are you aware of the importance of paying your taxes, Donna?
DM: Yes, sir. If I could have…
ILM: Oh, I’m sorry. Your name is Dana.

I spent well over an hour with this man. It took me over 15 minutes to get him to shut up long enough to identify him. The reason he didn’t get his 1099 was because he did not change his address with us. It took me another 15 minutes to change his address. The remaining half hour was spent listening to him routinely call me Donna and then realize my name was Dana and apologize for calling me Donna. Then he would call me Donna all over again. I also got to hear about his grandchildren, his view on politics and how he was having health problems.

All I have to say is thank God tax season is over. This year. Not looking forward to next year. The main call center gets the weirdos every month on the nights of a full moon. We get them from February 1st-April 15th.

I Can Explain...

2005-04-04T01:30:00.000-07:00

You know it's been an odd evening at work when six of the nine bankers ask you, "Is it a full moon?" I've been working at the NABABNA call center for over five years and spent many a Saturday night scratching my head in wonder, but this past Saturday night is one I'll remember. I've taken the calls from customers who couldn't withdraw money from an ATM because they were too intoxicated to realize the card has to at least touch the machine to work. I've dealt with men calling and working their arm muscles while talking to a sweet, young female voice on our end of a toll-free number. Fraud cases and scams? Don't get me started. I've dealt with racial slurs, far-fetched stories from employees about their tardiness, people showing up inebriated, and witnessed violent threats being made from customers AND bankers. But this past Saturday night, I felt like I entered the Twilight Zone.

At the end of the evening, as I typically do on Saturday nights, I drafted an email to my supervisor. It's usually just an FYI about a call he might hear about or to let him know that a banker may ask him about a situation. He doesn't require the emails and I don't send them every week. It's just if he should know about something. Here, I'd like to try and recreate the email:

To: The Boss Man
From: Beth (Shaking her head in amusement)
Date: Psychedelic Saturday
Re: Just an FYI about the State Troopers

Hi Boss Man,

If anyone happens to ask about why two state troopers showed up in the call center tonight, I can explain.

So...

Tonight I had Jason sitting with our new banker, Ivan. The peer coaching was going well, Jason and Ivan had a lot to talk about and Ivan definitely learned a few new sales techniques and became more comfortable with the system. Everything was going along fine, until I heard the giggle.

Sometimes, I wonder if this job is preparing me for motherhood. I don't know if you can relate, but do you ever find yourself noticing the different sounds people make? Well, Jason's giggle? It wasn't his normal laughter. This was my first clue something was wrong. I asked the guys, "What did you boys do?" They both looked guilty. That's the only way I can explain it.

As it turns out, Ivan was trying to transfer a customer to the foreign language assistance line. He got an outside line at Jason's instruction and then started to dial the phone number. You know, the whole 9-1. Then Ivan asked Jason for the phone number. Jason, of course giving correct information at all times, told him, "1-800-xxx-xxxx."

Do you see where this is going? Well, you're right. Ivan managed to dial "9-1-1." When the operator picked up and said, "9-1-1 Emergency," his natural reaction, being a foreigner and not used to our emergency assistance line, was to disconnect the call.

Yes, he managed to unintentionally prank the police on a Saturday night.

Within ten minutes, two state troopers arrived inside our call center with the security guard from downstairs. Since we're in a call center, the operator couldn't call back and get the banker who dialed. Let's just say the policemen were not happy. I had been on the lookout for some type of response (and their response time was pretty good! I have to give them that). I met them halfway and explained that a new banker had misdialed the phone. Then I had to explain that he was a foreigner and not aware that disconnecting the call was a poor choice. They left without too much problem.

Ivan learned tonight what to do if he ever calls 9-1-1 again.

Throw in an obscene phone call to a male banker (there's a first), the Canadian lottery scam call another banker took, random objects humming throughout the building, Murtle the ghost who resides in the female bathroom, and the escalated call from the "lawyer" who told me, "You ain't got any right to do what you done," and you've got an interesting Saturday night at NABABNA.

I'll see you Tuesday!

Your still smiling and puzzled team lead,

Beth

And now for something completely different

2005-03-06T18:06:00.000-08:00

Okay, I deliberated between putting my most recent post here on Moron Mouth or on my regular blog, Green Duckies and other tales of Dana. My regular blog won the fight (and believe me, they really did duke it out. And moron mouth called green duckies all these names and cried because it didn't win and since it's now sulking, that's why I'm doing my own guest blogging. Yeah. I'm bizarre like that) because while this is a post about idiotic people, it's not quite moron mouth material. The people mentioned in this post are not customers exactly.

I am going to warn you right now, this is not really a post for the squeamish. There are swear words and odd phrases and really sick individuals. And when I say sick, I mean they are perverted, not in a hospital.

Anyway, here you go. I'd like it if you would check it out. And please, leave us a comment.

Is that a salami in your pocket or are you just glad to hear me?

We are always looking for guest bloggers as well so if you've got a good customer service story or oh, my God, I cannot believe that idiot before me in line at the grocery store, send it our way.

The email address is moronmouth@walla.com.

Welcome to Tax Season AKA Hell

2005-02-11T16:08:00.000-08:00

Okay, I had to share this with you all. Today was somewhat busy, not too major. Friday's are usually a little bit slower than the rest of the week. Mondays are hell. Everyone is cranky because they've been holding forever (well, they think it's forever. It's more like 20 minutes or so) and dammit, why can't we give them their cost basis?

I've mentioned this before - I work for NABABNA's Stock Transfer Department. It's a nice job and I enjoy it but I have finally realized that there is something out there that may be just as horrible as overdraft calls. I couldn't believe it but it's true. No, seriously.

Imagine, if you will, that you hold stock with a company. We'll say it's Big Business. Well, Big Business doesn't want to keep track of all the people that hold stock so they hire a company to take care of it for them. A transfer agent, if you will. So you have stock and occasionally, you'll get a statement whenever a transaction takes place. Here is an example of what the statement might say.

IMPORTANT - PLEASE RETAIN FOR TAX INFORMATION

John F and Mary J Doe JT TEN
111 Don't Have A Clue Drive
Idiotsville, CA 11111

Company of Stock - Big Business

12/11/04 - Purchase of Stock - $500.00 - Number of shares - 5.25

Okay, it's rough but you get the idea, right?

So what do you do if you are John and Mary Doe? You've been getting these statements since 1953, when you first started investing in Teeny Tiny Business which merged with Small Business and changed their name to Somewhat Larger Business and then had a reverse split and spun off Miniscule Business and then took over Little Business and changed their name to Big Business. Well, you throw them away, of course! Why would you keep those statements?

A smart investor knows why you keep these statements. That is because they read the information on the top of the statement in the bold letters that said:

IMPORTANT - PLEASE RETAIN FOR TAX INFORMATION

So stock holders go to their tax consultant or try to file their taxes at home and they've been calling us. Calling us until we want to just cry when the battle cry sounds "What's my cost basis?" Because we know we're in for a fight when we explain that a) we're a transfer agent and as a transfer agent we are responsible for providing records and not tax advice and b) hey, guess what, there's going to be a charge for those statements you blithely threw away, 10 or 15 dollars a year. People don't like that. So most of my calls have been people screaming at me. Nothing really exciting. Just "why can't you give me this information?" and "I think the company is responsible for figuring this information out (because yeah, it's in the prospectus that we're going to do your taxes for you. What universe are you living in? I know it's not the one I'm the Queen of)."

But today, I got a call that made me laugh. And I told Keem, who was also having a crappy day and she laughed. So I thought I would share it with you. Enjoy. As always, my comments are in italics.

DM (Me): Thank you for calling Stock Transfer Services. This is Dana. How may I help you?
Little Old Lady (LOL): This is Blahdey Blah Blah (She says this very fast. I can't understand her name at all). Do you need my Social Security Number?
DM: That would be great.

The next thing I hear is, you guessed it, beeps. You may remember the post I did about when old people and automated systems meet.

LOL: Beep boop beep (as she keys in her social security number).
DM: Ma'am. Ma'am, if you enter...
LOL: Bahp beep boap (keeps going. Can't hear me).
DM: (Sighs deeply)
LOL: Beepbeeeeeeep Beep.
DM: Ma'am? I'm sorry but if you enter your Social Security Number into the phone when you're talking to me, I won't receive the information. Would you please provide me with the number?
LOL: Okay.

There is a slight pause. I hear some rustling.

LOL: 4.

I wait for her to continue. There is more rustling. As Keem said, when I was telling her in the car, "Wait! She just entered it into the phone! Did she lose it that quickly?"

There is a long pause. Did she die? What happened to her?

DM: Ma'am?
LOL: Yes?
DM: You were going to give me your Social Security Number.
LOL (indignant): I DID give it to you.
DM: Nooooo, you gave me the number 4.
LOL: Fine. 123-45-6789.

You can see that 4 and her SSN had nothing in common. Oh, except for that one number!

Just a normal day in Hell. Hope you enjoyed your visit.

I might be getting a little jaded...

2005-02-09T02:07:00.000-08:00

The lack of customer service stories on this site (at least from me) has to do with the fact that most of my calls are starting to all sound the same. I'm starting to wish for calls from customers with crazy situations.

Believe me, when you tell me that you can't afford to buy diapers for your two-year old and I can see that you're overdrawn because of ATM withdrawals at casinos, strip clubs, and liquor stores, I don't have any sympathy left. I'd be much more sympathetic if you told me the aliens landed and you had to show them a good time or they would abduct your two-year old and that's why you're overdrawn (again). Be creative! If you make us laugh, we might give you a fee or two back. At least it makes it more interesting. If you're going to lie, don't tell the same lie everyone tells ("It's not my fault I spent money I didn't have because your bank is just evil.")

We're not evil. Get a life. We're a bank. We manage accounts for customers. If you want the accessibility of using a debit card to make purchases and withdraw funds and you want to write checks, pay attention to how much money you have. It's not rocket science. It's simple math. There's not even long-division involved!

So tonight I spoke to Mr. Trying-to-Beat-the-Bank (TBB). Here's the highlights of the call:

B (that's me!): Thanks for holding Mr. TBB. My name is Beth and I understand you want to discuss your overdraft fee.
TBB: I can't be overdrawn! I deposited money.
B: I'd be happy to look into this. I see a deposit for today for $100. Is that what you're referring to?
TBB: Yes. I had the money in there.
B: But you made the purchase three days ago.
TBB: But the deposit was a money order.
B: Okay. The negotiability of the item does not change the fact the purchase cleared your account before you put the money in there.
TBB: I've never had this problem before.
B: Mr. TBB, you've been overdrawn 55 times in the last year.
TBB: So?
B: What happened in those situations?
TBB: YOUR bank decided to charge me when I made a deposit.
B: After the purchases?
TBB: That's not the point! The point is that I shouldn't be charged.
B: Mr. TBB, the idea of a deposit account is to have the funds in an account to cover your outstanding items so that when they clear, there's money for them.
TBB: I don't think that's right.
B: If you want an account that you can make the purchases and then pay for them later, that would be a credit account.
TBB: It's a bank error that I got charged. I put the money in there today! You shouldn't charge me.
B: Oh, good Lord. Do you agree with the whole concept of time moving in a forward direction?
TBB: Yes.
B: And you agree that Thursday, February 3 is BEFORE Tuesday, February 8?
TBB: Yes.
B: So it would stand to reason that if you made a purchase on last Thursday and didn't deposit the funds to cover it until today, the money was not in the account when you spent the funds?
TBB: Yes, but you need to reverse my fee.
B: No.
TBB: Why not?
B: You spent money before you had it. That's not our error.

This continues for awhile and he gets really mad. I may have been called some colorful names. Oh, the joys of customer service. He eventually realized I wasn't going to reverse his fee and hung up on me.

Larry's evil little plan to get me fired

2005-01-26T14:04:00.000-08:00

My friend Larry, aka Firebear, sent me this the other day. I had provided him with my work email address because I haven't had access to my home email address in awhile.

So here's how Larry is trying to get me fired. I start reading, I get to the end and I almost fall out of my chair because I start laughing so hard. I have co-workers staring at me in amazement while I just point my finger at the screen and laugh hysterically, tears rolling down my face.

Okay, maybe he's not trying to get me fired. Maybe it's committed because I looked like a total freak.

Anyway, my comments, as always, are in italics.

A day in the call center would be boring if all the calls were easy. Do not take it wrong, we like the easy ones. Of course some times the calls are a little too easy.

Me: Thanks for calling! How can I help you today?

Does Not See Simple Patterns Man (DNSSPM): Yea, I need to know what day the checks are coming out this month.

Me: January 25th.

DNSSPM: Ohkay! How about in February?

Me: The 25th.

DNSSPM: And March?

Me: The 25th.

DNSSPM: And April?

Me: The 25th.

DNSSPM: May?

Me: The 25th.

DNSSPM: June?

Me: The 25th. Oh wait the 25th is a Saturday. So checks are out the 24th.

DNSSPM: Ahhh! Okay! That is all I need for now. Thanks for the help! I will just call back in June and get the dates for the rest of the year.

Me: You are very welcome, sir! It may be faster though that if you called your bank for those pay dates. I see in the system that you bank with NABABNA. I know the ladies in that call center are terrific and I am sure they will be able to answer all your questions. They even sing (Yes! Karaoke! Well, Beth and I sing. Keem is stubborn).

DNSSPM: They sing? Wow! Do they take requests?

Me: Yes, anything but the “Doors”.

DNSSPM: They don’t like the “Doors”?

Me: Yea, go figure. How can you not like the “Doors”? I tell you people are strange! HeHeHe, I made a funny (I recently wrote a post about this guy that was hitting on me and kept asking me to sing this song. You should read it. I'm pretty damn funny, if I do say so myself. But this is why I was laughing so hard)!

DNSSPM: Great, I will call them! Thanks!

Larry, thank you again for providing me with much laughter. This is a great post! Also, thank you for making me listen closely to conversations, trying to come up with a half-heard quote. Nothing good so far. My customers are so much more boring now that I'm working with stock as opposed to overdraft fees.

We are always willing to have guest bloggers! If you have a good customer service story (well, I guess I mean a bad one since those are the most amusing), please send an email to moronmouth@walla.com. And if you have sent one, I apologize. I have computer issues at home and have not been able to check my email in many, many days. It is very sad. But my new computer will be set up either tonight or tomorrow! Yay!

In Honor of the "Half Heard Quote of the Week"

2005-01-20T02:10:00.000-08:00

Firebear posts Half Heard Quote[s] of the Week. Please check him out. He's great. His post reminded me of a call from today.

After the call ended, my boss stood up and said, "That sounded interesting. What was up with that customer?"

What did my boss hear from me to make him ask?

B: Let me get this straight, your ex-wife, who seems to want to "cut you up", broke into the post office and stole your mail?

[Pause]

B: Did she attack the mailman?

[Pause]

B: You may want to contact your local authorities, your attorney, and maybe the post office. This probably incident probably falls under federal guidelines.

[Pause]

B: Okay, thanks for calling. I'm glad I could help.

Blinded By the Light

2005-01-11T01:40:00.000-08:00

For having three contributors to this site, we've been slacking, haven't we? Sorry about that.

Here is an actual complaint we received at our call center.

Asha, a banker I've previously mentioned, received a call from a non-customer of NABABNA. Let's call him, Mr. Problem-Junkie. I know, the name is lame.

A: Thanks for calling NABABNA, this is Asha, how can I help you? (You can just hear the sugar in her voice.)
PJ: I want to talk to the head of your department!
A: I would be happy to help you sir. What is it that you're calling about?
PJ: The manager at this branch just doesn't like me and doesn't get it! I want this fixed now!
A: What is the problem?
PJ: YOUR sign is too bright! I can't sleep at night and the light from your sign is just too much!
A: I'm sorry?
PJ: The sign that says, "NABABNA." It's too bright! I want it taken down.
A: And you've talked to the manager of the branch?
PJ: Yes! He doesn't like me. Get me your manager now!
A: Would you be willing to hold?
PJ: Yes.

Asha ends up escalating the call to a supervisor who then takes the complaint. I didn't actually get to hear the end of the conversation, but the look on the supervisor's face was priceless when Asha answered the question she posed. The question was, "What is the call about?" Asha replied, "This man is blinded by the light." I had the song stuck in my head for three hours afterwards.

And sometimes, NABABNA is paying them...

2004-12-16T01:58:00.000-08:00

At the NABABNA customer service call center, I help manage about 20 bankers. Each are unique in their own ways and there is one that is a constant source of amusement. I'd like to share two of the recent stories about this particular banker. I will call him Mario. I'm calling my manager Popeye.

Popeye's phone rings as we're chatting about an upcoming meeting. He answers it and I see the look of confusion on his face. Here is that conversation:

M: I'm going to be late on my lunch. Is that okay?
P: No. Get back here.
M: I locked the keys to my car inside it. I'm at McD's.
P: I'll come get you.

Mario hangs up. Thirty seconds later, Popeye's phone rings again. He answers it.

M: You don't have to get me.
P: How are you getting back here?
M: Another (exact same make and model car made within the last four years) pulled up next to me. That guy's keys fit my lock and opened the door.
P: What? No they didn't.
M: The only difference was that his is an automatic and mine's a manual.

There is about a 1 in 12,000 chance of this happening!

Later, I was given the privilege of talking to Mario about his quality assurance scores.

B: Mario, do you understand that you should have explained to the customer that the item they asked about had not in fact cleared the account?
M: But I said it in my head.
B: (Holding back gales of laughter): Well, unfortunately quality, nor the customers, can communicate with you telepathically. In the future, be sure to disclose the accurate information in verbal form.
M: Can you get points back for me?

And it's something new every day. I love it!

Apparently Des Moines is the entire world. Who knew?

2004-12-12T13:26:00.000-08:00

The other day I took a call from a stock holder who wanted to transact some business. What should be a routine call took a side trip into hell. Listen to my story. Envy me for my great job. You know you want a job just like it.

I work in the stock transfer department for NABABNA. This stock holder wanted to do several things. His account was in an investment plan and he didn't want to be in the investment plan anymore. Mr. Geography Challenged (GC) called and I was lucky enough to be the one who got to speak to him.

GC: I would like to do several things today.
DM: I'd be happy to help you with that.
GC: Thank you. I would like to issue a certificate for my full shares in the investment plan. I would like to sell the fractional share. And I'd like to receive a check for the dividend that's going to be paid next week (the whole point to an investment plan, for those of you who aren't familiar with them, is that when the company pays a dividend, the dividend purchases more stock).
DM: Okay. Would you mind if I check to see if we can issue a dividend check? The company is between a record and payable date (record date - you must have stock by this date to have a dividend. Payable date - the dividend is paid).
GC: That's fine.

I place him on hold and go to see the manager on duty (MOD). I am marveling over how polite Mr. GC is to me. We've been extremely busy lately and I've been yelled at a lot over how long people have had to hold just to talk to someone so they are never eager to be put on hold again while I go ask questions. I should have know this call would not be as easy as I thought. They never are. I ask the MOD if we can do this. She says yes. Unfortunately, I never think to have her look at the account (in writing, this is known as foreshadowing. Now you know that something is going to go terribly, terribly wrong).

DM: Mr. GC, thanks for holding. We should be able to issue a dividend check. So let me clarify. You want to issue a certificate for the full shares, sell the fractional share and terminate the investment plan so that a check is issued for the dividend.
GC: Yes.
DM: Okay. Let me do that for you.

I verify his address, tell my computer what I want to do and it is when I select terminate plan that I run into my first problem. The computer won't let me terminate the plan. It gives me a message to read to the customer. I go back to him.

DM: Mr. GC, I'm sorry but I'm being told that I am unable to cancel the plan. Since the company is between a record and payable date, it's imforming me that you will receive another dividend which will go towards the purchase of more shares.
GC: But I want to cancel the plan.
DM: Okay. Let me talk to someone about this.

I place him on hold again. The MOD has changed and I am speaking to another person now. This person asks me for the account number. Ah. Here's our problem. This company, Convenience Shoppe, is an employee stock purchase plan. Terminating the plan for these types of accounts is actually done with the company, not us. Typically, we would be able to terminate the plan but not in this situation. I go back to the customer.

DM: Mr. GC, I've found the problem. This is an employee stock purchase plan.
GC: I know.
DM: Unfortunately, I am unable to terminate this plan. In order to terminate the plan, you must speak to your company about this. I can issue the certificate and sell the fractional share but I cannot terminate the plan (this seems pretty straight forward, right? And Mr. GC seemed like a rational, reasonable man, right? Yeah. You would think. So far I've spent about five minutes with this customer. It will be much longer). I would recommend that you not have me sell the fractional share at this time because your dividend will go towards the purchase of more stock unless you cancel with the company. Since the dividend is going to be paid next week, you may not be able to cancel in time.

I'm telling him this because there is a cost to sell the fractional share. I'm thinking of what is best for the customer. If I sell the fractional share, he will be charged for it. And then, when he sells the other fractional share, he'll be charged again. I'm trying to save him some money.

GC: No. I'm not going to talk to the company. They don't exist anymore. They haven't existed for two years since they closed in Des Moines. That's when I stopped working for them.
DM: Um, they still exist. I have a phone number for them (I know they still exist. There are several of these Convenience Shoppes in Minnesota. And if they didn't exist, you wouldn't have been receiving dividends for the past two years) so that you may call them.
GC: You don't understand. I can't call them. They don't exist anymore.
DM: Mr. GC, I'm sorry, but they do exist. I have a phone number for them right here.
GC: I can't call them. They don't exist in Des Moines anymore. They closed the warehouse two years ago.
DM: I understand that they may not be in Des Moines anymore but the company is still in existence. I can give you their phone number so you can call them. I have it right here. The number is...
GC (interrupting me): You're not listening to me. THEY DON'T EXIST.
DM: Yes. They. Do. Still. Exist (I am speaking slowly to help get my point across). If you call them, they will help you cancel your plan.
GC: No. All I want to do is to issue a certificate, sell the fractional share and get a check for the dividend. That's it. You should do that for me.
DM: I can issue a certificate and sell the fractional share...
GC: Good.
DM: But I can not terminate the plan so you can receive a dividend check. You will need to speak to the company.
GC: Yes, you can. What do you think my lawyer will say when I talk to him about this?

Oh, no! Not the lawyer. I am shaking in my boots now. Well, I would be, if I was wearing boots. Why do people think that their lawyer can do anything? Hello, dude, you signed a contract agreeing to the company's plan. You signed it with the company. It makes sense that you would terminate the plan with the company.

DM: I'm not sure, sir. Do you understand what an employee stock purchase plan is?
GC: Yes.
DM: So you understand that the purpose of the plan is so that you can purchase stock in the company. With the dividends.
GC: Yes. But I'm not getting a payroll deduction anymore. Because the company closed. They don't exist in Des Moines anymore. So I want you to issue a certificate.
DM: I can do that.
GC: I want you to sell my fractional share.
DM: I can do that but I would not recommend selling the fractional share, there's a cost involved and when the dividend pays, it will go towards the purchase of more stock. There will be another fractional share and there's a cost to sell them. Not selling the fractional share now will save you some money.
GC: But I don't want to do that. I want you to issue a certificate.
DM: I can do that.
GC: I want you to sell my fractional share.
DM: I can do that but I don't recommend it. I recommend you contact the comp...
GC: No. Listen to me (Oh, I am but you're so very stupid)! Issue me a certificate.
DM: Yes, I can do that.
GC: Sell my fractional share and then send me a check for the dividend.
DM: I can't send you a check for the dividend. The dividend will go towards the purchase of new stock.
GC: No. I don't want that.
DM: In order to prevent that, I would suggest you call the company and terminate the plan with them.
GC: I can't. They don't exist in Des Moines.
DM: Yes, Mr. GC, I understand that they may not be in Des Moines anymore. But the company still exists. I know this because I saw one of their shoppes just the other day. I also know this because we have a phone number for them. If you would just call the comp...
GC: I'm not calling them. They'll just drag their feet.

Oh, so you acknowledge that they exist now. Well, if I've accomplished anything today, it's getting this to sink into your head.

DM: I'm sorry, sir. I cannot cancel this plan for you. You will need to speak to the company.
GC: I'm going to speak to my lawyer.

And he's going to tell you to call the company.

DM: You can certainly do that.
GC: Now. I want you to issue me a certificate.
DM: I can do that.
GC: I want you to sell my fractional share.
DM: I can do that as well.
GC: Good. And I want you to send me a dividend check.
DM: I can't do that.
GC: But I'm the stock holder! You should listen to me! The company isn't the stock holder.

No. But they're the ones who set up this plan and they are partially responsible for my paycheck. You're only responsible for this incredibly large headache I have now.

DM: I understand that you're the stock holder, sir. Unfortunately, in order to cancel the plan, you must call the company.
GC: Well, I'm not going to do that. Fine. Just issue me the certificate, sell the fractional share and send me a dividend check.
DM: Again, sir, while I can issue you a certificate and sell the fractional share, I cannot send a dividend check. The dividend will purchase new shares.
GC: I don't want it to do that. I want a CHECK!
DM: I'm sorry, sir. You would need to talk to the company about that. What would you like me to do?
GC: Issue the certificate and sell the fractional share. I'll just sell the new fractional share later.

I have him confirm that this what he wants me to do and proceed with his request. All the while thinking "You moron. You're paying $10 to sell this fractional share and you're going to pay another $10 next week to sell the other fractional share when you could have just let the dividend buy more shares and then you know what? You might have ended up with another full share."

DM: Okay. I've completed your request.
GC: This is just stupid. I'm the stock holder. Not the company. They don't exist in Des Moines anymore.

He hangs up. I stare at my phone. "Des Moines is not the entire world, you idiot!" I hiss under my breath. The phone rings.

DM: Thank you for calling Stock Transfer. This is Dana. How can I help you?
Random Customer (RC): Well, it's about time. I've been holding for twenty minutes.
DM: I apologize for the wait. We've been very busy lately. How may I help you (Ah. A normal customer. I welcome your crankiness)?

Thirty minutes on the call with Mr. GC. Thirty minutes. Well, no one can ever say I don't suffer for my art. If this could be called art. Hope you enjoyed.

Our 2nd Guest Blogger - Darlene

2004-12-09T06:45:00.000-08:00

Okay, everybody, say hello to Darlene. Darlene is the reason why Moron Mouth now has a subscription list. Her blog is at www.wigston.blogdrive.com. Stop by and say hi.

And now, proof that Morons can be found anywhere, even at popular tourist attractions, here are Darlene's stories.

I worked in a restaurant in a tourist attraction this past summer.

There are several customers who stand out. Three of them I can't publish because they are gross. But here are the other 3:

Customer 1 was feeding the seagulls. I had to go out to try to stop her.

Me (Pointing to a sign which asks customers not to feed seagulls): Ma'am, I need to ask you to stop feeding the seagulls. Feeding them teaches them to not fear people and they attack some of them for their food. Last summer a 3 or 4 year old girl was attacked by a whole flock.

Customer 1: Oh, but I'm not feeding them much (Throws them a french fry while glaring at me).

Me: Please, ma'am. When they steal food the restaurant has to replace it, which raises business costs, which raises prices.

Customer 1 (Holding out a hand of french fries about 3 times what most people give them): Oh, I'm not feeding them much (Throws another fry to them with another glare, daring me to do something).

I asked a third time for her to stop, explaining why again. She replied that she wasn't feeding them much.

Me: Ma'am, how would you feel if you were the little girl who was attacked because of people feeding the seagulls.

Customer 1 (Throws the whole handful at once to the birds): Oh well, I'm done now (Gives me another glare daring me to do something about it).

I walk back into the restaurant and am immediately chastised by a fellow employee for "letting that customer feed the seagulls!"
************************

Situation 2:

I see customers feeding the seagulls again. I go outside and explained the reason that we don't allow that, and tell them about the 3 or 4 year old girl who was attacked by the whole flock. THEY LAUGHED HYSTERICALLY! Yeah, I can see the humour in traumatizing a small child! NOT!
*************************

Other situations I posted on my blog:

1. A pot of coffee and a pot of plain hot water were side by side in clear pots. A man pointed to them and asked me which was the coffee!

2. These weren't serious comments, but were comments made by people who heard the question above as snappy answers. First, one said I should have said, "The clear one. It's just very weak." Another person said I should have said, "The clear one is the decaf." And lastly, someone said I should have said, "The clear one is the humane coffee. No beans were harmed in making it."

3. People are not allowed to bring strollers into the animal shows, so one woman asked the aquarium worker if she would watch the kids if she left them in the stroller!

4. One man tried to leave without paying for his coffee. When the manager caught up with him his explaination was, "There was no sign posted so I thought it was free." Then when he was told it was $1.35 he tossed a quarter to the cashier and said that this was close enough!

Thank you for your post, Darlene! I am wondering about the co-worker who yelled at you for "allowing" the customer to feed the seagulls. What were you supposed to do? Tackle the woman? Beat her with the "Do Not Feed The Seagulls" sign? Train the seagulls into attacking her?

Actually, that last one could be interesting. Darlene and her flock of seagulls. You could be like The Penguin on Batman! But you would only work for Good and have the seagulls only attack those who just don't listen to those of us in the Service Industry. Speeches would be made, rallies would be held, statues would be erected in your honor. It would be a better world.

Okay, sorry, going to my dream world again, where being stupid is painful and service workers are treated with respect. Someday it'll happen. Someday...

Now Introducing Larry!

2004-12-04T16:42:00.000-08:00

I asked in the recent notifylist update for tales of your customer stories. I've had two responses. One is from Larry (AKA Firebear). Larry also works in a call center and has had some interesting experiences that he's shared on his blog. You can imagine my joy when I found this in my email inbox today.

The following is all from Larry. Check out his blog. We, the powers that be at Moron Mouth, are quite fond of him. I love referring to myself as a power that be. It's kind of fun. Untrue but fun. Okay, I'll shut up now. It's Larry's turn to talk (or write, whatever the case may be).

Paging Doctor Firebear!

Like a hospital emergency room, the call center services hundreds of people a day with different degrees of situations. Some are red alerts, some are yellow, but mostly they are just ordinary, run of the mill, easy fixes. The call center, also much like a hospital emergency room, has a handful of regular clients.

These frequent callers are always calling us. Some every month, some every week, some every day, heck some every hour. They are easy to break down into categories. Some we actually like, much like an affectionate puppy. Most are just annoying. Please do not be one of these people. We often know them by first name, and laugh at you after the call. As in:
"Mitch called again, I think I talk to him more then I talk to my neighbor, and I’m sleeping with her!"

I have to note that about two years ago we got an upgrade in our computer system at the call center. Now every time someone reaches out to our center it gets noted and recorded. So when a person decides to call us 5, 6 or 137 times, we can see that. It is great to see how many different ways some one can describe their awful situation. Some can spin a new version in just the 10-15 minutes it takes to get through our telephone system. We don’t always share this tidbit of info with the callers. It is more fun that way.

The Noisy Wheel – Mr. NW has a problem. If he calls again and again and again, the problem will be fixed. He knows for a fact that if he does not call every single day, that his paperwork will be put on a desk and forgotten. I wish I could say this does not work, but it does. Just so that he stops calling.

Ask the other Parent – Mrs. AP wants something. Let’s say she wants to get credit for those five years she worked as a lost dog finder. She calls and talks to Steven. Steven explains that she can not get credit for that. Mrs. AP then waits an hour and calls back. Now she gets Winston. Winston explains that she can not get credit for that time. She calls again. She gets Steven again. Mrs. AP does not realize she has already talked to Steven about this. Steven explains that no, she can not get credit for that time. She calls again and gets George. George is tired and tells her yes she can get credit for her lost dog finder work. Now she believes him! Yes, it is the wrong answer, but it is what Mrs. AP wanted to hear!

Lonely Person – Mostly just looking for someone to talk to. And will talk about anything and everything. Makes up reasons to call more and more. This people are the toughest to deal with. They are just nice, lonely people looking to talk to someone.
"Hi Ms. LP, did your dog have those puppies yet? Great! Wow 9 in the litter? Must be great. Ok, and no Ma’am, the slight drop that the stock market took yesterday did not cause you to lose your pension."

Hello, I’m Crazy! – A real mixed bag here. Two stand out though. The lady who claims that she is John Kerry’s illegitimate daughter. Of course, this woman is actually older then John Kerry, but I’ve never told her that. Someone did put an emergency note on her file, stating that whenever she calls tell her she has to call 555-1212. That is the number to information in our area.

"If you don’t give me that money right away, I am going to have my dad, John Kerry come up there! Have you heard of John Kerry? Yeah, he will kick your butt, my dad will!"
The other "Hello, I’m Crazy!" Is Roosevelt. Roosevelt calls three or four times a month. He always makes my day. The conversation always goes the same way.

"Mr. Larry, Mr. Larry! My check, its coming on the 25th this month right? It will go in the mail on the 24th after 3:00 PM right! Good good! You got my address there right Mr. Larry? 1313 Mockingbird Lane, right Mr. Larry? Good, good, got to get my check to buy my medicine! Mr. Larry, you know, I need that money. Can you send it out a couple days early? Just so I get it sooner? No? Oh that’s ok, Mr. Larry. Now that check is coming out on the 25th this month, right?"

It is also funny when I see notes from when he talked to someone else in the call center.
"Explained to member he does not need to call every month."
"Suggested member sign up for direct deposit, member declined."
"Same ?’s, same answers.

Roosevelt is not going to change, and I will miss him when he stops calling.

I am sure there are other regular callers. These are just the ones I know and love!

Thank you, Larry, for your guest post. We appreciate it! We also have a post from Darlene to be added to the site but I do not remember her blog address and want to make sure she gets full credit.

Don't Hate Me for Hating You

2004-11-27T23:06:00.000-08:00

Good Lord. I have just returned home from a night of work that went fine until the last 25 minutes. Then I talked to a woman who may or may not have been the village idiot in her hometown. Oooh, I'm going to call her Vi.

Here's the deal, Vi is the victim of either fraud or horrible bookkeeping/memory loss. We're not sure which. She had an item returned against her account. It was an item someone else wrote, it's not drawn on her account. That's about all the pretense needed here.

Vi is transferred to me and the call begins:

B: Thanks for holding Vi, my name is Beth a-
Vi: What is this item? Where's my money?
B: I'd be happy to help you. The item on your account appears to be a check either cashed or deposited against your account that was denied payment by the issuing bank.
Vi: But I didn't write any checks.
B: I understand that. This item is not a check you wrote.
Vi: What is it then?
B: It's a check someone else wrote and it was returned because the other bank said they wouldn't honor it.
Vi: Why not?
B: Whoever wrote it placed a stop payment on it.
Vi: Who wrote it?
B: Unfortunately, I don't know. I can tell you which bank it's drawn on, the dollar amount, and the serial number of the item, but I don't have the maker name. The check is being mailed to you.
Vi: But who wrote it?
B: I don't know.
Vi: I didn't write a check for that amount.
B: I know that.
Vi: But I didn't write it. Who did?
B: Well, if you didn't write it, I know I didn't write it, I guess that just leaves about 6 billion others to check with. Or wait 3 days until the mailman delivers it to you.
Vi: I don't get it. I didn't write any checks.
B: Did anyone you know give you a check for this amount?
Vi: No.
B: Then it may be fraud.
Vi: But I didn't write any checks.
B: This is the point where I started banging my head against my desk. I KNOW that. You've told me that. I've told you that I know that. So we're clear on the fact you didn't write the check. Someone else did.
Vi: But who?
B: Again, I don't have their name at 11 PM on a Saturday evening.
Vi: I just don't get it. I didn't write a check.

The call continues like this for 25 minutes. Can I just say, "AAAAAHHHHH"?

Just a snippet of what I go through daily

2004-11-23T11:29:00.000-08:00

Okay. This is an actual call I took yesterday. Word for word. Some of this stuff, I don't have to embellish.

One of the joys of my job is that I get to help people access our website (for the example, it will be www.nababna.com. This is not a real link, I have made it up. But everything else? Yeah, it's real). I was helping a customer, let's call her Ms. Website Wonder (WW for short).

WW: I tried calling your website and it didn't work.
DM (me. In case you forgot): Huh. Which number did you call?
WW: www.nababna.com.
DM: That's a website. What number did you call?
WW: www.nababna.com. It's not working.
DM: Ma'am, that is a website address. You cannot call it. You can, however, call a number listed on a website.
WW: Oh. I'm sorry. I meant I went to your website and it didn't work. I didn't actually call it.
DM: Okay. Yeah, because it's a website!

Now, we've been having problems with people trying to register for the website and putting in all sorts of strange things in so I immediately start walking her through the steps to sign up for access to her account information.

DM: When it asked for your Tax ID #, what did you put in?
WW: My tax id number (She reads it to me).
DM: When it asked you for your account number, what did you type in?
WW: My account number (She reads it to me).
DM: Okay. There's a drop down menu. What did you put for company name?

This is important. We are a transfer agent for 400 to 500 companies. Not all of them participate in our online service but there's a few of them. It's important that the stock holder select which company they have stock in. It sounds so easy. There's a little blurb of exactly what you should do. But do they get it? No.

WW: I'm not a company.
DM: I understand that. What company did you select from the drop down menu?
WW: I'm not a company.
DM: Yes, Ms. WW, I understand that you are not actually a company. But there is a drop down menu. If you do not select the name of the company you have stock in, it will not allow you to access your account.

We recently took over as transfer agent for a company and when they go to enter in their information they will choose NABABNA instead of their actual company of stock. Do you know what they say to me? They say "Well, the letter's from NABABNA." Yes. Does the letter say all of your stock is now with NABABNA? No, it does not. It says we are now the transfer agent for your company. Idiots.

WW: I didn't enter in a company.
DM: Okay. That may be our problem. When you try to access the site again, change the company name from Manufacturing Company to Insurance Company. That's the name of your company of stock and it is required to access your account information.
WW: I didn't get that far.
DM: You didn't? Why is that?
WW: Because when I called your website, it wouldn't let me on it. It told me it wasn't working.
DM: Did you receive a message that said the site wasn't available?
WW: Yes.
DM: Why the hell didn't you say that in the first place? Okay. When was that?
WW: Last week.
DM: Have you tried registering since then?
WW: No.
DM: Okay. You might want to try that again. If it doesn't work, call us again.
WW: Okay.

I hang up the phone and bang my head, repeatedly, on my desk. This happens daily.

And yet, I love my job.

Look, we provide financial services, not common sense, okay?

2004-11-21T14:31:00.000-08:00

Last night, I got to talk to Moron Mother. She called about a hold on funds on a deposit with us, NABABNA. Here's the call:

B: Thank you for holding MM. My name is Beth and I'm a supervisor here at NABABNA. I understand you wanted to talk about a hold on a deposit?

MM: Yes. I want the hold off of those funds.

B: I'd be happy to see if we can release that hold. (Technical stuff here, I call the other bank and see if the check got paid. If it was, I make the funds available. If it hasn't, the customer still can't use the funds.)

MM: I want you to reverse those fees too.

B: I can go through the fees with you. It looks like this deposit was made in person. Do you have your receipt?

MM: I do and the teller told me those funds were on hold until the 24th (at the time of the call, it was still the 20th). Why did I get fees?

B: Excuse me? You knew the funds were unavailable and still used them?

MM: But the check cleared.

B: We don't know that yet. I can call to see or we can wait for notification from the Federal Reserve.

MM: I want you to reverse those fees.

B: I want to make sure I have this straight. You knew not to spend the money and still did?

MM: Yes.

B: That's not a bank error. We told you to not use the funds and you chose to do so.

MM: But my son wrote those checks weeks ago.

B: So he spent money before he ever considered making a deposit?

MM: Yes.

B: That's still not a bank error.

MM: But he only writes his rent check.

B: MM, there are twenty checks clearing here. They're mostly for 5 to 15 dollars. Does he pay rent in increments?

MM: Um, no.

B: That's still not a bank error.

MM: Oh, okay.

I did call and got the funds released. Here's the thing, if you KNOW not to spend the funds, WHY do you do it??? Come on people, it's not that hard!

Let's Try This Again

2004-11-19T11:44:00.008-08:00

Okay, the google groups thing? So didn't work. But you will notice the shiny new box located to the left of this post (okay, it's not shiny but pretend, okay?) where it says "Want Nutty Customers in your mailbox? Join our Notify List and get email when we update our site:" and there is a spot where you can enter your email address and then (and then, no and then, and then (sorry, can't say that without thinking of Dude, Where's My Car)) you will receive an email from ME whenever we update and it will be very, very exciting.

Anyway, here's a question. Who are you? I'm showing that we have 1106 hits on this site since we started it July. How did you hear about our site? I am curious. Why are you not commenting? Do you not see the exciting new halo scan comments where you don't have to be a blogger member to comment? If I set up a guest book, would you sign it?

Beth and Keem will be the first to tell you that I am extremely high maintenence and need constant reassurance that I am loved. But that is so not true at all. I merely want to know if you are enjoying yourself when reading our site.

Tell me you love me. Please. Don't make me beg.

Trial and Error

2004-11-15T19:02:00.000-08:00

I have just set up a google group to send out to all of our subscribers (that would be Darlene right now) & hopefully it is going to work. I am not so techno-savvy but hopefully with blogger & google's help, this post will go winging off to her email address. Hopefully.

Anyway, thought I would share with you a story I was told last week. It filled me with joy. Seriously. I couldn't stop laughing for about five minutes and asked if I could steal the story for the site, announcing in front of two (2) managers that I have a website with stupid customer stories.

Hmm. Hey, Dana, why don't you just walk up to one of your managers and say "Hey, want to fire me? I make fun of customers for a living." Well, actually, no, I don't make a living from this but it is just gosh-darn fun. And let's face it, if I didn't vant, there would be a lot more ticked off customers in this world. Because I would shoot them all in the foot. No, no, that would be wrong. Yes, just in case my manager does find his way to our site, I've just told him I'm psychotic. Wonderful.

Maybe I'll just go to the story.

The woman who sits across the aisle from me, A., told me this story & it amused me. When she told it to me, she did not elaborate it like I did. But this is what I do. I take stuff and I like to add that special little twist to it that just gives it a little extra. I call that special ingredient bitterness...I mean love. Love.

Unfortunately, I do not know the name of the representative that took this call. They are no longer with NABABNA. However, I am going to make up a name & give you what I think this conversation was like. Then, afterwards, I'll tell you what A. actually told me. Let me know what you like better. I only slave away at these stories for you, my adoring public.

Hayley (stole name from character in Blue Dahlia by Nora Roberts): Thank you for calling Stock Transfer Relations. This is Hayley. How can I help you?
Technological Fool (TF): There's no option to disconnect.
H: Excuse me?
TF: I want to disconnect but your stupid computer voice doesn't tell me how to disconnect. Do I press the star key?
H: No. You hang up the phone.
TF: I know! That's what I want to do! How do I do it? I tried entering a lot of numbers in but it just brought me to a representative. Tell me how to disconnect the phone!
H: Hang it up.
TF: You're not helping me!
H: Okay. Do you have a cordless phone?
TF: Yes.
H: Is there an end button?
TF: Yes.
H: Press that. That will disconnect the call.
TF: Don't get smart with me! I know I have to press a button! Which one is it?
H: The end button.
TF: I want to speak to your supervisor (The call escalates and I am sure that Hayley spent a good twenty minutes laughing hysterically)!

Seriously. This happened. Well, not exactly like the above scenario but still, it happened.

This is what A. told me.

A: There was this girl who worked here and she had a call escalate because the guy couldn't figure out what button to push to disconnect the phone.
DM (that would be me): Um, did she tell him to hang up?
A: Yeah. He just got ticked off because he knew there had to be a button. So he demanded to talk to her supervisor.
DM: Oh, that is great. I am so going to steal that.

Okay. Which one did you like better? I am going to be quite honest with you when I say that if you like the 2nd one better, I will probably run off and cry piteous tears. You don't want that, do you?

Now...A Word From Our Sponsor

2004-11-13T18:54:00.000-08:00

Okay, just kidding, but I do have a question for you all.

Today I was checking my email on an old account, one that I created when I first started my Green Duckies blog (and one that was quickly overrun because it was not prepared for the comments). Anyway, I found an email from a name I didn't recognize with a subject line that said "Can I sub?" I, being daring, opened it, knowing that my email provider might not give a lot space for comments did check for viruses before you opened the email.

Anyway, long story short (too late), the email was from a woman named Darlene who wanted to know if she could sub to Moron Mouth. I had no clue what she meant & emailed her. A few minutes later, she explained that she wanted to receive an email whenever we updated. I was flabbergasted. And seriously flattered.

So I think I've found a way to email people when we update. If you would like an update every time we publish, please send an email to moronmouth@walla.com. Please write subscribe in the subject line.

You will also notice that I've changed the comments to haloscan. This means that anyone can add comments, regardless if you are signed up with blogger or not. So please, comment! We love hearing from you!

Look, if you don't want to lose money, buy a piggy bank, okay?

2004-10-29T20:43:00.000-07:00

As you may or may not know, I left the big call center of NABABNA (regular banking) to work in a smaller call center of NABABNA (stocks). In the banking call center, I was a supervisor. Now I am not. This is a good thing because my stress level has gone down a lot (buh-bye, four hours a day of escalated and “How do I do this again? I know you’ve told me 20 times before but I just don’t get it” calls). I wondered if I would ever have that perfect post for Moron Mouth again because I wouldn’t have people screaming at me about their overdraft fees anymore. But wonder of wonders, I have Moron Mouth material for you tonight.

Here’s the thing. I know that our loyal readers are intelligent, banking savvy people. Or they are bitter customer service representatives that are looking for a laugh to brighten up another horrific day of waiting on customers. Either way, I’m going to pretend that you’re not you and you’re actually someone who has never invested in stocks before. Okay?

Dictionary.com defines stocks as lots of other stuff and then this:

a. The capital or fund that a corporation raises through the sale of shares entitling the stockholder to dividends and to other rights of ownership, such as voting rights.
b. The number of shares that each stockholder possesses.
c. A stock certificate.
d. The part of a tally or record of account formerly given to a creditor.
e. A debt symbolized by a tally.

Breaking it down into plain English, pretty much what this means is you give money to someone, they give you a piece of paper and, if you’re lucky, it’ll someday be worth something. What does this mean to you? It means that the piece of paper you have might be worth something. Or not. The stock market is volatile, a lovely word that means “likes to jump around a lot to really piss you off.” No, that is not a definition that I got from Dictionary.com. That is my own fun definition. Hope you like it.

So who should invest in the stock market? Here’s a thought. People that are not relying on their investment to make money for them. People that can accept the fact that they may lose money. People who are not susceptible to heart attacks. People who are not frickin’ old! Old people keep calling me. I’m getting sick of them. Granted, I can understand that it’s frustrating to lose money. I don’t enjoy it myself.

Anyway, here you go. Here are some of the calls I’ve dealt with in the last week.

Example #1 – Big Company decided to create another company. They “spun-off” (look, corporate lingo!) Big Company 2. For every single piece of stock, Granpa had in Big Company, he gets a piece of stock in Big Company 2. So you’d think he’d be happy, huh? Well, no. He’s not happy. And that’s because Big Company also decided to do a reverse split. For every 2 pieces of stock he had, he’s going to get 1 of the new stock of Big Company. And who’s fault is that? Is it the board of directors for making this decision? No. It’s mine. Because I work for a 3rd party company that was hired by the board of directors to answer the phone every time Grandpa calls to explain to him how to process this change.

G (Grandpa): I’m not happy about this.
DM: I’m sorry to hear that, sir. Is there anything that I can help you with about how to process the exchange?
G: Why did this happen?
DM: What, sir?
G: This “reverse split!” (Said, of course, as though he would have said “Leper Colony")
DM: Usually a reverse split is a decision made by the board of directors to attempt to make the price of the stock higher and more appealing.
G: Well, I’m not happy about it.
DM: I’m sorry about that. Was there anything else I could do for you?
G: I want you to take a message.
DM: Okay?
G: I want you to tell your boss that I’m not happy about this.
DM: Sir, I work for Shareowner Services. We are not the board of directors.
G: I don’t care who you are. You tell them that I’m not happy!
DM: Okay. Thanks for calling.

Seriously. Dude. What do you want me to do? Call the board of directors? I can only do so much. Want me to change your address? It’s done. Take on the board of directors? They don’t pay me enough.

Example #2 – It’s getting close to tax time. Jane Doe sold her stock this year and, all of a sudden, she has realized that she has to do a cost basis for the IRS. What is a cost basis? Your guess is as good as mine. I think it has something to do with the fact that if you’ve made money on the sale of your stock, the government has a right to swoop in and steal all the proceeds. I could be wrong though. Anyway, we don’t figure this out. Pretty much what you do is you figure out how much you paid for the stocks and how much you sold them for. We don’t have that information. You should have that information because you are the one that paid for the stocks in the first place. Right? That makes sense, doesn’t it? Not according to these people.

JD (Jane Doe): I would like information about my account. Here is my social security number. 123456789. My account is inactive.
DM: I’m sorry. I didn’t pull up any information.
JD: Here is my account number. 1234567890.
DM: Okay, I’m still not finding anything. Do you have a certificate number? I could try that.
JD: I do not have a certificate. My account is inactive. It has been inactive since 2001.
DM: I’m sorry. I’m not pulling up any information. Let me provide you with a number (I am assuming, after asking her some other questions, that her account has been escheated and the state now has her property).
JD: I don’t want to take another number. I want to know my cost basis.
DM: Ma’am, you’ve told me that your account is inactive and that may mean that the state now has your property. If you would like to claim it…
JD: What do you mean, claim my property? I don’t want to claim it. It is not lost. I pulled my stocks away from you in 2001. I gave them to Large Broker Chain.
DM: Oh. Okay. Do you mind if I place you on hold while I look into this?
JD: Why are you putting me on hold? I want my information.
DM: Yes, I understand that. However, I am not able to locate your account and I’d like to look into this.
JD: Fine.

I put her on hold. I run (well, walk briskly) to the manager of the day (which is a silly description because, seriously, this changes every five minutes. I swear) and tell her my dilemna.

DM: Lady. On phone. Says she has account. Inactive since 2001. Went to Large Broker Chain. I can’t pull up information. What do I do? (Combination of “I can’t breathe because of walking briskly” and “Quick! Give me an answer!”)
MOD: Okay. What’s the company?

I tell her. She looks up some information. She gives me a whole bunch of stuff to say to Jane Doe which boils down to “Send us a letter and a check and we’ll look into finding you your old statements because you were too stupid to hold onto them in the first place. Moron.”

DM: Ma’am? Thank you for holding (I give her the information the MOD gave to me).
JD: What?
DM: I repeat the information.
JD: Why do I have to do that? You should have my information.
DM: I’m sorry, ma’am. I do not have that information. If you follow these instructions, we will certainly send you your statements.
JD: I want to talk to someone about this.
DM: I’m sorry?
JD: Who do I talk to about this? Who can give me my information?
DM: Ma’am, I’m sorry, but we have the same systems. We do not have your information on file but can certainly find the duplicate statements.
JD: This is bad customer service. What would happen if I come in there? Who should I ask for?
DM: Ma’am, that really won’t help you. The best thing to do would be to send in this information and a check…
JD: I want to speak to a manager. Give me a name of someone I can speak to when I come there.
DM: I don’t have a name for you, ma’am. They will not be able to give you this information.
JD: Fine. I’m coming in. I will just ask for a manager.

She hangs up. I go back to the MOD.

DM: Should I be concerned because she now wants to come in and speak to a manager because it’s bad customer service that we don’t have her account information?
MOD: Tell her the SEC only requires we keep the information on our computer system for one year and the records for seven.
DM: She’s gone.
MOD: Oh (She laughs). Is she crazy?
DM: I certainly think so. We have provided her bad customer service. One year? Wow.
MOD: I wouldn’t worry about it but you might want to tell Grissom (No, not really his name. Trying to think of a good fake name and I’m stuck on CSI:) that she might stop by.

Anyway, that’s the majority of my calls. Old people who are upset that their stock isn’t making any money for them and other people who throw away their statements (which, incidentally, are printed: Please retain for your records) and then get upset because we can’t just hand them over to them.

And one guy called me “You People” five times in two minutes. I’m sure I’ll have more for you in a week or two. Just give it time. The stock market is sure to dip again.

Money doesn't grow on trees, it grows at a bank, unless the tree is a bank, and then there's a dilemma.

2004-10-28T21:56:00.000-07:00

After a much needed break from NABABNA, I returned to work today to a pile of quality assurance calls. Ah, the wonderfulness of horrid grammar and angry customers was classic.

I was reminded of another grammar issue in one of the calls that I forgot in the post Grammar people! Grammar! It is important.

Dana, this one is going to bring back a memory or two.

The word I came across tonight was, "Branching," as in a branching location.

In banking, the term should be "banking location" or "branch location". If we use the word branching, we would be adding locations, not referring to the existing ones.

I just wanted to ask the banker, "Are we a tree now?"

I know it's a short post, I just had to share.

Who Reads Those Things???

2004-10-16T11:30:00.000-07:00

I have to admit, I don't read everything I get after signing up for something, but after working for NABABNA, I realize that it is kind of important. Here are some of my favorites:

Young Customer (YC): I don't understand why my checking account is overdrawn. Can you help me?
K: Sure, let's go over your transactions since the last time you balanced your statement with the bank's balance.
YC: Statement? What's a statement?
K: hitting mute button and laughing hysterically

I would have to say that that is just as good as "I shouldn't be overdrawn, I still have checks left."

Ms. I don't Pay (MIDP): Why did you take money from my account?
K: NABABNA will take money from a related account if you default on your payments.
MIDP: You can't do that! I don't have to make payments on this loan. I've had loans in the past that never required that I make a payment.
K: That's interesting. Did you read your loan documents that you signed when you opened the loan?
MIDP: Who reads those things? I don't have to make payments. This loan doesn't require them.
K: Unfortunately, when you sign up for a loan, you are required to make payments to pay back what you've borrowed.
MIDP: No! I already told you I don't have to pay. Put my money back in my account. Right now!
K: As much as I would love to do that for you, our collections department took that money because you defaulted and I am unable to do so at this time.
MIDP: No! That's my money and you had no right to do that.
K: Well MIDP, when you borrow money from a bank, it stands to reason that you would be reqired to pay it back. I suggest that you read your original loan documents. By signing them, you agree to make your payments on a regular basis and that NABABNA has the right to take money out of a related account should you default on your payments.
MIDP: No! I want my money back. I want to talk to someone who can give me back my money!
K: I'd be happy to transfer you to our collections area. Since they took the money from your account, they can discuss this with you.
MIDP: Fine. Trnasfer me then.

Okay, I wasn't going to point out that there is a history of payments that were made in the past on the loan. What I really wanted to say to her is that I can see that you have made payments to this loan in the past. If you don't make them, then where did the money come from? Why are you now stating that you don't have to pay the money back? Give me a break! We aren't stupid.

Origami - the art of stuffing a piece of paper into a smaller envelope

2004-10-13T23:56:00.000-07:00

Before I go to far, I need to come clean. I wrote this post originally in August, but the computer freaked out and I lost it. I kept putting it off and putting it off because of my own laziness. Tonight, I attempt to recapture the dreaded call that may go down in history as the "Stupidest Woman on Earth Calls NABABNA."

I did not take this call myself. I stood next to a co-worker talking to this woman. The cast of characters include: Asha, the banker who received the call; Timmy, the supervisor dealing with this woman; and Ms. Folding-Up-Challenged (ha! I'm not adding a fourth word to that!) or FUC.

Imagine the setting, the evening is winding down, bankers are watching the clock (the evil master dictating over all workers of the world) slowly creep up to closing time. Asha has just started at NABABNA and is not expecting to deal with this type of customer. Timmy is looking around, noticing people gathering up their belongings and smiling because he's leaving in one hour. It's been a pretty decent day at work, not many morons today, and he should have knocked on wood. He really should have.

Ring!
A: Thank you for calling NABABNA. This is Asha. How can I help you? The sugary sweetness of her voice is apparent, nothing can get this girl down.
FUC: This is ridiculous. YOU need to help me right NOW! How do you expect me to get this payment in the envelope?
A: I am happy to help you ma'am. You are trying to put a payment in an envelope?
FUC: Well, that's what I said. How do I do this?
A: Did you fold it?
FUC: I can't get the address to show in the window! You need to help me with this RIGHT NOW!
A: Is it a payment to NABABNA?
FUC: That doesn't matter! You are trained in helping me with my payments!
A: Our payments do not have envelopes with windows. We are not trained in explaining this over the phone. I can try to help you.
FUC: You're stupid! Give me your supervisor!
A: I'm sorry, I want to help you.
FUC: Give me your supervisor RIGHT NOW!
A: Okay, can you hold?
FUC: Duh!

Asha placed Ms. FUC on hold. She dials the helpdesk and gets Timmy's friendly, calm voice on the other end.

T: Helpline, this is Timmy. How can I help you?
A: Timmy, this is Asha. I have a lady who would like to talk to a supervisor because I don't know how to help her in fitting her payment in the envelope.
T: What?!? She's escalating because she doesn't know how to fold paper?
A: As far as I can figure, this is correct.
T: Do you have any information on her?
A: No, she did not give me that.
T: Is the payment to NABABNA.
A: She didn't really answer that but I don't think so.
T: Alright, put her through.

Asha connects the woman to Timmy.

T: Thank you for holding ma'am. My name is Timmy and I understand you would like help folding your payment to fit in the envelope.
FUC: That girl is stupid! She doesn't know how to walk me through folding this paper and making the address show through the window of the envelope provided! If I don't get this mailed, I'll be late. How am I supposed to know how to get this to fit? This just doesn't make sense. Your people should be trained in directing someone how to do this. I KNOW you went through this training. You know and won't tell me!
T: I'd be happy to try and help...
FUC: Try??? TRY? You'll do better than try! You know how to do this. If you don't, YOU'RE stupid too! I tried over and over and I can't get the address to show in the envelope. I've been dealing with this for two hours now and I WANT HELP! I don't want you to TRY. You're stupid.
T: I'm sorry ma'am, I want to help you...
FUC: Don't you have the training? You should be able to tell me which side to fold first and at what point I should crease the paper. You have EXTENSIVE training in this. I KNOW you did. You're just an idiot!
T: I do not appreciate what you are saying ma'am. Please allow me to try and help you. Is this payment to NABABNA?
FUC: That doesn't matter. No, it's not.
T: I'm not trained in giving directions on how to fold paper over the phone, no one at NABABNA is. I can try to find options or a solution for you.
FUC: You're just stupid! You are TOO trained and you'll do this for me! I want you to give me the answer RIGHT NOW.
T: Have you tried just using an envelope without a window and writing the address on it?
FUC: Oh, now you're getting smart with me! You are dumb! You are stupid. You are lying to me. I know that you can give me the directions on how to do this.
T: Ma'am, NABABNA doesn't use envelopes with windows for payments. We have no training on how to direct someone over the phone. I can't see the paper, how would I know where you should fold a different company's payment to fit their envelope?
FUC: Whatever. You KNOW how to do this!

For the sake of not repeating over and over, this call lasted for 45 minutes. By the end, Timmy was just sitting there, staring at the wall with a look of shock on his face. The woman started just repeating and never allowed Timmy to interject. He never did get her to fold the paper correctly. She's really mad at NABABNA because another company uses windowed envelopes.

Now, my question is: How do you become an adult without knowing how to FOLD paper?!?!? This isn't like actual origami. It doesn't need to be shaped like a green duckie or anything.

Maybe Timmy was wrong and we are trained in folding paper. I must have missed that day of training.

My first Moron Mouth post from the new call center

2004-10-13T09:02:00.000-07:00

Sigh. I was hoping to avoid these but, really, did I think I would escape the craziness that is customers?

Anyway, as you may or may not know, I am not working at the banking call center anymore. I am now working in the stock holders call center. I am still in training right now but, as part of our training, they have us answering the calls from shareowners that have questions about stock splits or other types of corporate actions. Now, we're not the corporations that the customers hold stock with. We are just the service area. But yet, we still get the brunt of their wrath over whatever is going on with their company.

I have heard a lot of people say "This is so stupid. Why are they doing this?" I have heard "Well, you better tell them to stop this (This is similar to suggesting that I call Donald Trump and tell him I don't like that he's firing all of these people. Not going to happen)."

But the best one, the reason why I am posting today, is what has been happening when old people and automated systems meet. I answer the phone.

DM: Stock Holding Services (yes, I'm still being tricky). This is Dana. How may I help you?
Stock Holder (SH): Beep. Boop. Long Pause. Beep (They are trying to enter in either their account number or their social security number).
DM: Stock Holding Services...
SH: Beeeeeeeeep.
DM: Stock...
SH: Beepbeepbeep.
DM: Stock Holding Ser...
SH: Beep. Boop. Beep.
DM: Stock Holding Services. This is Dana. How may I help you?
SH: I need some information.
DM: Okay, I'd be happy to help you. May I have your account information?
SH: Well, I entered it in. Didn't you get it?
DM: I apologize. It sounded like you were trying to enter that in so I didn't get the information.
SH: Oh.

That's what I say. What I really want to say is "I'm sorry. My ear is not able to translate beeps yet. I'm working on getting that training though."

And there is still the people that want to give you too much information. For example, Small Business changed it's name about twenty years ago to Larger Business. Now Larger Business is in the process of doing a stock split. All of our customers are now calling, frantic because their stock certificates still have the name Small Business on them. Usually you can explain that it's still the same stock and it's nothing to worry about it. But sometimes you get those people that just won't let you talk. For example:

DM: Thank you for calling Stock Holding Services. This is Dana. How may I help you?
Frantic Female (FF): I am having a problem. I went to the safe and I don't have Larger Business, I only have Small Business. What do I do?
DM: I'd be happy to explain that...
FF: Did you know that they had a name change?
DM: Yes, I'd be...
FF: I guess I didn't pay attention. I knew there was a name change but I didn't pay attention to it, I don't know what I'm supposed to do.
DM: Well, I can certainly...
FF: I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do. What am I going to do? Is my stock lost?
DM: If I could...
FF: Why aren't you answering me? Don't you know what happened?
DM: Ma'am, I'm trying...
FF: I stood in that little booth and I almost had diarrhea when I realized I had the wrong stock.
DM: Oh, you did not just say that. Ma'am, I'd like to help you. If I could get your account information, I can help you with this situation.
FF: Don't you have it?

Finally, I get her identified and explain the situation. Then I listen to her tell me how stupid she is and she feels so dumb and she has a PHD and she shouldn't be so stupid and gosh, she's really stupid.

This should be a two minute call. With her, it took 10 minutes. So, if any customers stumble onto this website, believe me when I say that I'm only telling you this for your own good. Shut the hell up! I'm trying to help you.

Anyway, hope you enjoyed today's post. I hope to have another one soon.

Grammar people! Grammar! It is important!

2004-10-13T00:55:00.000-07:00

Why are there certain words people just can't say? Customers and bankers alike, there are words that when they violate my ears, I cringe.

I have heard this phrase before, "I wanna ax you a question. I got dis insignificant funds notice on my checkings account but I know I had monies in there. Someone must have stoledend my monies!"

AHHHHHHHHHH!

"Ax" me a question? What? Are you threatening to chop me in two? I'm not a tree!

I am not commenting fuller on wanna and dis. I know these are more dialect than improper grammar.

"Insignificant funds"? Try insufficient. This means you didn't have the money, not that your money has no value. Big difference when said to a banker.

"Checkings account"? Not quite as annoying as "monies" and "stoldened" (I'll get to them, I promise), but still horrible. It is a checking account. Drop the 's'. You may have a "savings" account. Checking is not plural. It is a checking account because you use the funds by writing a check. Savings is plural because you are saving up funds. If there was only one fund in there, you are no longer in the process of saving!

"Monies"? Only plural when you are actually referring to different types of money. For example, if you said you had a collection of monies and it included dollars, pesos, francs, etc., you would then be correct. If you are referring to the funds in your account, they are all one type of money!

"Stoledend"? This is my absolute worst pet peeve at work. I have actually heard bankers use this term and I want to scream. Try the terms: stole or stolen. Stoled is not a word! I understand it is an irregular verb, but saying, "stoledend" makes you sound like an IDIOT!

Other terms I've heard but not in the phrase listed above:

"Benifixinary" instead of "beneficiary". This came from a banker. What image are we presenting as a representative of NABABNA when this is said? A BAD one. Yeah, that's right, an unprofessional one.

Not necessarily poor grammar, but just plain scary:
This was said to a third party calling in, "Hey, Mister Phone Guy on the Phone." When I spoke to the banker about it, he asked me what he could have used instead. I said, "Oh, I don't know. How about 'Sir'? Sir is a good choice. It's shorter even!"

As I come up with more, I will add new posts.

I dread spell check on this one.

A link to Firebear's World

2004-10-11T06:01:00.000-07:00

Firebear also works in a call center. So he, on occasion, also runs into the crazy people, those who are also known as customers.

It is amazing that, no matter where you work, whatever you do, some of the calls you get are so incredibly stupid that you're glad we don't have video phones so the customers can't see you laughing at them. Or flipping them off.

Anyway, here's a link to his call center vant (except he called it a rant. But we're working on getting vant into his lingo). I think you'll enjoy it.

http://thefirebear.blogspot.com/2004/10/call-center-rant.html

"I am very upset."

2004-10-07T23:26:00.002-07:00

I wish I could tell customers the first thing that comes to my mind. I really do. There are certain things I just can't say though. This call could have been so much fun if I was able to say what I put in italics.

I take escalated calls at work, I've explained this before. Tonight was no different. Here's the call from Ms. Wants to be an Adult.

B: Thanks for holding WA, my name is Beth and I'm a sup, etc., etc., I understand you want to speak to me because we decided to take care of half of your fees and this is not enough?
WA: I am very upset. I am very upset. I am just so very upset.
B: Really? I couldn't tell after the first two times you told me that. What are your concerns?
WA: I don't think it's fair for you to take my money! I am just so upset!
B: There were fees assessed to your account for going overdrawn, yes. This is a consequence to being overdrawn.
WA: But I didn't know those checks would clear!
B: Did you write the checks?
WA: Yes. But you didn't tell me they would clear!
B: Did you write the amounts in your register?
WA: Yes, but I figured they wouldn't clear until you told me they would and then I could have covered the amount.
B: Okay, you wrote the checks, you knew they were outstanding, but you weren't going to cover the money you spent until AFTER the bank received the items?
WA: Yes.
B: If you're writing checks, you would want to have the money in your account FIRST. Otherwise, you run the risk of overdraft fees. It is your responsibility to keep track of your own spending.
WA: Don't talk to me like I'm a two-year old.
B: Then stop acting like a two-year old and take responsibility for your own life. I'm sorry you feel that way.
WA: You stole my money!
B: Ms. WA, if you spent money not in your account, you are using the bank's money. The bank has a right to charge a fee for this.
WA: You never told me how you process items!
B: I would be happy to send the same disclosures to you that you received when you opened your account.
WA: I have them in front of me!
B: Then we did tell you. You signed the agreement stating you knew that information. So you agree that you had the information?
WA: Yes!
B: And your concerns are?
WA: I'm not paying these fees!
B: The fees have already been charged to your account. This is the consequence for spending money not in your account.
WA: I made a deposit.
B: You did make a deposit, it was made the day AFTER these items cleared.
WA: So?
B: The money wasn't there to cover these items. When did you write the checks?
WA: Last week.
B: So you are admitting to playing the float before a check clears?
WA: So?
B: This is considered mishandling your account and could be considered a form of fraud.
WA: I'm going to close my account unless you reverse ALL of these fees!
B: There is no bank error, I'm not going to reverse any more fees. We have already met you halfway in the spirit of goodwill.
WA: I'm going to close my account unless you reverse ALL of them!
B: Unfortunately (translation: you're screwed), I won't be reversing any more fees. Telling me that you will close your account is not something I can use to make this decision.
WA: Why not?
B: Using a threat from a customer in decision making would be unethical. You have the option at any time to keep an account open or to close it.
WA: Send me information on how to close my account!
B: I have nothing to send, I can go through the information with you.
WA: Fine.
B: I gave the options.
WA: Send me information.
B: I've explained already that I have nothing to send. I can tell you this information again if you'd like.
WA: This is bad customer service.
B: What is bad customer service?
WA: You can't send me this!
B: I'm providing you the information right now.
WA: Whatever. I am very upset. I'm just so upset.
Click.

Mr. Explicative and I

2004-10-02T16:42:00.000-07:00

It was a match made somewhere far away from Heaven. Mr. Explicative (Mr. E from now on) did not seem to like me or anyone from NABABNA very much. It is an extreme situation when I will disconnect a customer, and Mr. E is the only one in over 4 1/2 years. That means in over 2,000 escalated calls, I hung up on one. I did it for his safety. Really.

Being that I spoke to him over the phone, I can only imagine his facial expressions and his lewd gestures. I imagine a man with a red face. I imagine that red turning deeper and deeper shades, approaching purple. His arms had to been flailing wildly and I wonder if anyone passing him on the street thought he was an escaped mental patient. His angry was apparent and it would not surprise me if his imaginary friend ended up in the hospital that day since he couldn't actually hit a NABABNA employee.

One of the bankers, Jackie, got the opportunity to speak to Mr. E before I did. I have translated some of the words he used to show how silly his rhetoric truly was and also to keep this a family-friendly post. I started listening to Jackie's call because her end suggested a customer out of control. Here is what I heard:

E: Cow dootie! Fudge your fudging burro you goddess! Jesus Saves! I want my fudging card right fudging now you fudge face!
J: Mr. E, please speak in a professional manner.
E: Fudge you! You waste extraction point! Jesus Saves! You goddess! Fudge this. I hate your fudging bank!
J: Sir, please control your language. I want to help you.
E: Fudge you! Cow dootie! COW DOOTIE!

At this point, I made Jackie place the gentleman on hold and transfer him to me. She did not have to deal with this type of call.

B: Thank you for holding Mr. E. My name is Beth and I'm a supervisor. I asked Jackie to transfer you to me.
E: Good. That goddess! You goddess! I want my fudging card you fudging goddess!
B: Mr. E, that language is not acceptable. Please refrain from the use of profanity.
E: Fudge you!
B: Mr. E, I want to help you but I will not allow that language.
E: Cow dootie! COw DOOtie! COW DOOTie! COW DOOTIE! COW DOOTIE! (Note, the escalation of the caps is supposed to demonstrate the escalation of his words.)
B: If this language continues, I will disconnect the call.
E: Fudge you! Fudge you! Fudge you! Hail all this cow dootie! You goddess. I want my fudging card and I want it right fudging now!
B: For the second time, I am warning you if this language persists, I will disconnect the call.
E: COW DOOTIE! COW DOOTIE! COW DOOTIE! I can say anything I want, COW DOOTIE!
B: Mr. E, if we were speaking in person, the police would have arrested you by now for disturbing the peace. You are speaking with a business and a professional tone is expected.
E: Fudge you right up your fudging waste extraction point! Jesus Saves! Purgatory! COW DOOTIE!
B: Again Mr. E, this language is not tolerable. Please control yourself. If this continues, I will disconnect the call and ask that you use that time to calm down and collect yourself.
E: Cow dootie! COw Dootie! COW DOotie! COW DOOTie! COW DOOTIE! COW DOOTIE! COW DOO-

This is where I disconnected the call. I had an image of this man having a stroke. From what I gathered, he lost his ATM card and we were unable to hand him a new one over the phone, on a Saturday afternoon. I feel bad because he didn't have a card, but there are other ways to access an account and it's not our fault he lost his card.

If anyone needs a translation chart:

Cow dootie = hopefully you get this one
Fudge = the other F word
Purgatory = that place that's really hot!
Goddess = lovely B word used for females
Jesus Saves! = instead of GD
Goodness! = a curse on someone or something
Waste extraction point = please don't need to know about this body orifice
Burro = the Spanish word for donkey!

If I hadn't taken the call myself, I would swear it didn't happen

2004-09-29T01:52:00.000-07:00

We deal with all kinds at NABABNA, including the famous personality type, 'I want to pick a fight.' I don't understand the personality that just needs a reason to argue and has a sole purpose in life. That sole purpose seems to be complaining.

I got a full dose of the disillusioned woman tonight. I'll call her, "Offending Bigwords," you'll see why. Here is the call:

B (that's me!): Thank you for holding, my name is Beth and I'm a supervisor. The banker told me you wanted to speak to a supervisor. How can I help you?
OB: Where is my money?
B: I would like to help you. For clarification, are you stating your deposit is missing?
OB: No. I was supposed to get money and I want to know when I'll get it and how much.
B: Who is giving you the money?
OB: I got papers from a lawyer about a levy.
B: You had a levy on your account?
OB: I think so. What's a levy?
B: Normally, a levy is a hold on your funds because we received a court order to hold them. Some people have them for back taxes or child support payments.
OB: When did that happen to my account?
B: I don't know. You told me a lawyer contacted you about a levy. I asked if you had one on your account.
OB: I don't owe any back payments for anything!
B: Okay. Then you probably didn't have a levy on your account. Why did the lawyer contact you about a levy?
OB: When was there a levy on my account?
B: I don't know if there even was a levy on your account. I can check if there was one if you don't remember one if you know a range of dates.
OB: It was early this year.
B: Like January?
OB: Early this year.
B: You want me to look and see if something happened to your account sometime "early this year." What are you defining as "early this year?"
OB: This lawyer made me sign papers.
B: When was that?
OB: Early this year.
B: ARGH! Okay. What were the papers about?
OB: Don't you know?
B: Well, I'm not a licensed attorney and I never contacted you myself, so no. I only have the limited information you've provided to me on this call.
OB: Well, he sent me papers.
B: What were they about?
OB: I don't know. I didn't read them. I just signed them.
B: And this is why you're expecting money?
OB: Yes. Where is my money?
B: I have no clue. Do you have anything specific you can tell me?
OB: It was about money.
B: Well, we are a bank, it might. Anything in particular about money?
OB: It was about monetary money.
B: Monetary money? They're the same thing!
OB: Yes, monetary money. You work for NABABNA. You know what that means.
B: No, I don't. Monetary money is like saying money money. It's not like the song, Mony Mony.
OB: The lawyer was suing NABABNA.
B: Why?
OB: I don't know why.
B: Was he your lawyer?
OB: No.
B: Do you have a lawyer?
OB: No.
B: Do you have any information from what he sent you before?
OB: No. You should know what this is about.
B: It's about some lawyer suing our bank and you signed papers about money.
OB: Yes.
B: I have no specifics and I don't know what you're talking about.
OB: Well, I get money.
B: Okay, let me get this straight, you get money because you helped a lawyer sue us but you don't know why other than it had to do with money?
OB: Yes.
B: I can't help you. I need more specifics.
OB: But where's my money?
B: Where is it coming from?
OB: A lawyer. You should know.
B: I have no way to know what every lawyer in the country is doing. If you want, I can connect you to our legal department.
OB: I've talked to them before.
B: And what did they tell you?
OB: Nothing.
B: Why did they tell you nothing?
OB: They don't know what I'm talking about.
B: And you think that customer service knows more about some lawsuit that you can't tell me the name of or what it's about?
OB: No.
B: Then why did you call us?
OB: I don't know.
B: I recommend you find some information before calling us back so we can be better equipped to help you.
OB: Whatever.

Then she hang up. I have no idea what she wanted other than monetary money. I hope she finds something at home with information about this lawyer she signed papers for and calls him. He might know why he sued us at least.

"Yes, I am confessing to breaking the law."

2004-09-19T00:06:00.000-07:00

Why, oh why, do people feel the need to share their criminal acts with the bank? In no way am I saying that criminal acts are okay, but we don't need to know about them. These are just a few examples of the stupid confessors we've run across.

Durango (okay, a car commercial helped me with the name) took a call from Pretty Young Thing.

PYT: I don't know my PIN and I can't get money from the ATM.
D: Have you tried to make your purchase as a credit purchase?
PYT: Well, I can't do that.
D: Can you write a check?
PYT: You see, I'm trying to get someone to buy alcohol for me because I'm underage. What am I going to do if I can't get cash?
D: Unfortunately, you are not going to be able to get drunk tonight.

My call from Horny Adolescent.

HA: I need you to reverse my overdraft fees.
B: Unfortunately, there is no bank error. Purchases were made without your having funds in the account to back them up.
HA: I understand that. I'll pay the fees later. I need the money to pay for this hooker.
Needless to say, I didn't reverse the fees. Poor guy.

A call placed to NABABNA, received by Marion, the customer was Hopped Up.

HU: But I need to get more money.
M: I'm sorry sir, but you don't have any money in your account.
HU: What am I supposed to tell my dealer? I owe him for a ton of crank.

Here's a pretty common call:

Customer: I know I didn't have the money. I need to buy (fill in the blank with diapers, food, or medication and know they're really talking about cigarettes/drugs, booze, gambling addictions, or porn). I put the envelope in the ATM without a check in it to get the cash back. Why's my card closed now?

THIS IS FRAUD. Just in case you didn't know that.

And maybe the call where I felt the worst for the criminal's father on the other end of the line:

Worried Father called. His son owed quite a hefty sum of money to a loan shark or drug dealer.

WF: My son will die if he can't get the money.
B: He can withdraw it. He has access to his own account. Unfortunately, you're not on his account and I can't make a teller in another state give you money you have no legal right to.
WF: If I don't get his money, they might kill him.
B: I want him to be able to get the money. He can go into the branch where he is and withdraw the money. We won't stop him if he's got identification. It's his money.
WF: But his life is in danger.
B: I understand that. We're not going to stop him from taking his own money.
WF: His life is in danger.
B: Can he make it to the branch?
WF: Yes, but his life is in danger.
B: Has he contacted the police then?
WF: No. He can't do that.
B: Why not?
WF: He committed an illegal act.
B: Well, if you're worried about his safety, I would think the police would at least keep him safe.
WF: I'll tell him to make a withdrawal and pay the people back. Thanks for nothing.

Why, why, oh why?

A Drawer Full of Stories - Part Two

2004-09-17T19:37:00.000-07:00

Since I am leaving the phone bank, I felt it was time to go through my list of escalated calls. I came across a few of them that I still remembered very well and thought you might be amused. Beth did a post about her drawer full of stories awhile back and it was quite funny (and a little scary)

The first customer, Mr. Money For Free (MFF (because, really, that's what he wanted))) called because he had overdraft fees on his account and wanted to talk to a supervisor. I was the one fortunate enough to get him.

DM: Thank you for calling, etc. I understand you are calling about the overdraft fees.
MF: This is wrong. You can't do this to me. I am going to sue.
DM: Okay. I'd be happy to review the account with you, sir.
MF: You had better. I am not happy with your service at all. These fees must be removed!
DM: Again, I'd be happy to go over your account, sir. Is there something that has gone through your account that you don't recognize?
MF: No.
DM: You made these purchases?
MF: Yes.
DM: Sir, I'm showing that at the time of these purchases, your account had a total of $50.00. You made purchases totalling $150.00.
MF: I know this. Why are you telling me this? I already know this.
DM: So you were aware that your account did not have the funds in it at the time you made these purchases?
MF: Yes.
DM: I'm sorry, sir. I'm puzzled. You deliberately used funds that you did not have. Your account became overdrawn and there were fees assessed.
MF: There should not be any fees! This is a bank error.
DM: I'm not showing an error. You have told me you made purchases and were aware there were not funds in the account. That is not a bank error.
MF: (Screams in frustration) Yes! Yes, it is an error! I called and told them that I was moving to Wisconsin from Texas and I needed to not have any fees on my account!
DM: Who is they?
MF: You!
DM: I have not spoken to you before, sir.
MF: No, not you! You!
DM: Are you saying that you called the phone bank?
MF: Yes!
DM: And you told someone that you were moving and you did not want any fees?
MF: Yes!
DM: What did that person say?
MF: They told me no. They said if I used my account and there weren't funds, I would be subject to fees. But I needed to use the money so I did. But I told you no fees!
DM: I apologize, sir. I am unable to reverse these fees. There is not an error.
MF: Yes, there is! I said no to fees!

The call went on for awhile after that. He continued to scream at me, I continued to tell him that there was not an error and the only way to prevent fees on your account was to not use it when there wasn't any money. Unfortunately, this never sank in and he hung up. His account is still overdrawn. Eventually we will close it and he will be sent to collections. All because he decided that the bank should just give him free money. I wonder if he will ever realize that banks are not charities. We don't give out free money.

The second customer was very upset. He had a joint account with his wife and there was a withdrawal made from his account that he did not recognize. The banker had informed him that this withdrawal was made to credit another account because it was delinquent. The customer was furious and demanded to talk to a supervisor.

DM: Thank you for calling, etc. I understand you are calling because of the withdrawal on your account?
BH (Bull-Headed): Yes, Dana. I'm going to give you one chance to give me the right answer. This account (he rattles off the number) is my joint account with my wife. I have been informed that there was a withdrawal from the account and that it credited an account my wife has with her son, my step-son. I am not a signer on that account and I am certainly not paying for his mistakes. He is a waste of time and space and I want nothing to do with him or his accounts. Your choice is to either reverse that withdrawal and put the money back into my account or I will go to the branch and close all of my accounts now. Is that understood?
DM: I am sorry, sir, I am unable to...
BH: I'm going to the branch.

The phone is slammed down in my ear.

Now, here's the thing, people. If you open an account at a bank, they provide you with disclosures. We are required to do this. This lists all the information about your account and everything you need to know about how to manage it. And, unfortunately, one of the things it talks about is delinquent accounts. If A has an account with B and B also has an account with C, if B & C's account becomes delinquent or overdrawn, it is possible for the bank to remove money from A & B's account. The common denominator is B. So please, if you don't trust the person you're going to open an account with or, for that matter, their kids, please, please reconsider opening the joint account. It's for your own good.

And the third customer was very annoyed with NABABNA. It appears that she wanted to withdraw some money from the ATM but, unfortunately, she had already made her withdrawl limit for the day. She wanted to increase her limit so she could withdraw some more money. The banker explained that he was unable to complete this request. So I got her. Lucky me.

DM: Thank you for holding, etc. I understand you would like to withdraw money from an ATM but are unable to do so since you have reached your limit and we cannot increase this limit for you. Is that correct?
GG (Give! Give!): Yes! This is the dumbest thing I have ever heard! It's my money. I want my money! Give it to me.
DM: That is correct. This is your money in your account. However, the card is NABABNA's property. We are unable to increase the limit on the card.
GG: Why not? That's so stupid! It's my money!
DM: Again, as I've explained, the money is yours but the card does belong to NABABNA.
GG: Why won't you do this? I want to know why you won't do this! My friend was able to call and you did it for him!
DM: That might be, however, I am unable to do this for you.
GG: What does that mean? I don't understand what you are saying!
DM: I'm saying that I cannot increase your limit.
GG: But I'm at the casino! I want to go play some more blackjack!

She hangs up. Okay. That's incentive. You've already made withdrawls up to your limit on your ATM card. At the casino. The reason I am refusing to increase your limit is because you have had a total of 21 overdraft fees and 15 Insufficient Funds. You have paid well over a thousand dollars in fees. And I should increase your limit. Perhaps you should have planned a little bit better. Or stop going to the casino. Because you're obviously not winning.

I hope you enjoyed my drawer full of stories. It is now empty. But just wait, I'll be back on the phones next week. I'm sure I'll run into my quota of morons.

Sometimes you wonder about why people stay married

2004-09-17T18:32:00.000-07:00

You may remember the post I did on joint accounts and why they can be a problem. Here is a call that is the exact opposite.

The banker informs me that a customer is demanding to speak to a supervisor. The customer is furious because the banker will not release information on an overdraft protection account. She is insistent that she is a signer on this account. I take the call from the banker and introduce myself. The customer, Ms. Swears With Wolves (SWW), immediately begins to start screaming at me.

SWW: You're stupid! Stupid ass! B*tch! Sl*t! Why can't you just give me this information? Why? I hate your f*cking bank! Hate it!
DM: I'd like to be able to assist you. My understanding is that you're looking for information on an overdraft protection account. Is that correct?
SWW: Yes! You f*cking b*tch! Give me the information!
DM: Unfortunately, I am not showing that you are a signer on this account.
SWW: I am! You're lying, you b*tch!
DM: No, Ms. Wolves, what I'm showing is that you are a signer on the checking account. However, the account listed as overdraft protection is not in your name. Therefore, while I can certainly speak to you about the transactions in the checking account, I cannot discuss the overdraft protection account with you.
SWW: F*ck you!
DM: Ms. Wolves, if you would like me to assist you, I would appreciate it if you please stop using profanity.
SWW: Fine.
DM: Now, as I was saying, you are not appearing as a signer on the overdraft protection account. However, I am showing that there is a joint signer on the checking account with you. I would suggest that you ask the joint signer to call and we would be happy to discuss the op account with them.

This sets her off on how she is his wife and how dare I tell her she's not a signer on the op account, she knows perfectly well that she is a signer and I'm just a f*cking c*nt faced b*tch.

DM: Ms. Wolves, I have already warned you about the profanity. If the other account holder is present, I would be happy to talk to him. If he is not, I suggest you have him call back and ask his questions then.
SWW: He's here now.

The phone is handed off. I need to identify the joint signer so I ask him his name (Lives in Hell (LH)) and for some other pieces of identification. SWW is in the background, screaming at the top of her lungs about what a b*tch I am.

DM: Thank you for this information. As I was explaining to your wife, I show that, while you are both on the checking account, only your name is listed on the op account. I would be happy to discuss the information with you.
LH: Okay. What was my last payment?
DM: $25.00.
LH: Okay. Thank you.
DM: If you are interested in having your wife as a signer on the op account, you may want to look into reapplying for the account, since this is a credit account. Unfortunately, since she is not a signer, we can not release information to her.
LH: Okay.
DM: Was there anything else I could assist you with?
SWW (in the background): Give me that phone! Give it to me! I want to talk to that b*tch!
LH: No.
DM: Thank you for calling, I'm glad I was able to help you tonight.
LH: Yeah. Thanks. Shut up, you stupid b*tch! They can't talk to you about it!

I'm assuming the last comments were addressed to SWW since the call disconnected.

I'm now obviously psychic. Maybe I should start at 1-900 number...

2004-09-17T00:47:00.000-07:00

Tonight I spoke to a person who amazed me that they made it as far in life as they did. This man does not bank with NABABNA, however chose to use one of our ATMs. The card did not come out of the machine (yes, unfortunately this happens) and we couldn't give it back to him. Why you ask? Hmmm, let's see. How do we (you know, customer service representatives) know if the card hasn't been reported lost or stolen, if the account it draws funds on is still active, or if the card itself isn't damaged and physically unable to become unstuck from the machine? We are not holding the card, we have no access to accounts housed by other banks, and of course, people love to scream at us for this.

Here is the call:

B (that's me!): Thank you for holding sir, my name is Beth. I understand you wanted to speak to a supervisor regarding the fact your card is in our ATM?

TUS (technically un-savvy): That's right. I want my card. It's in this machine!

B: I understand. The banker you just spoke to did report the problem to our support area and they are sending someone out to check the machine, however they will not be able to give the card back to you for security reasons.

TUS: But what if someone gets my card?

B: I do suggest you contact your bank and have them close the card and see if they can issue a new card.

TUS: I can't leave here. How can I call my bank?

This is where I pause.

B: Sir, you seem to have access to a phone. I suggest using it to call YOUR bank. It's not like you and I are communicating telepathically here.

TUS: But I don't know their number.

B: You don't know your bank's phone number.

TUS: No, they're closed.

B: And that prevents you from knowing their phone number? I can understand that they are closed, not all banks have extended hours. Typically a bank that closes earlier will hire a company to do card closings for them after hours. You could try calling your bank to see what their message states about this.

TUS: But the number is on my card! How do I get the number?

B: Where do you bank?

TUS: First Bank of Small Town, Nowhere.

B: Since you know the name, you could try using a phone book or calling Directory Assistance.

TUS: Don't you have their number?

B: Well, I don't work for Directory Assistance. I work for NABABNA. Unfortunately, I don't have the number for First Bank of Small Town, Nowhere.

TUS:

B: Thanks for calling.

Do we really have to walk people through this much of their lives? I plead with the general public. If you're upset, STOP, THINK, REASON, if you need help, ask calmly. You'll get much farther in life.

News

2004-09-14T18:30:00.000-07:00

Today Keem and I received some interesting news. We are both moving to another part of NABABNA, Stock Services (not it's real name but hey, if I can't be tricky on my own blog, when can I be tricky?). This is very exciting for us because we will be working much closer to home. Unfortunately, it means that we will be leaving the phone bank.

On the other hand, our new posistions are within a call center so there is the possibility of crazy customers. And as proof, I have some stories from Katie, a friend of ours who once worked in the phone bank and is now in Stock Services.

Katie: Yeah, so I just I just talked to a broker who was reading me our physical address here and she was reading along you know saying "South Saint Paul, and is it Minneapolis or is it Minnesota? And it is MN, right? I always get that mixed up." Then I just talked to a guy who asked me if paying insurance premiums is the same as stock. So I explain the difference and he says "Like a credit card? What is the difference between credit cards and stock?" I just can't believe that people are this stupid. I just can't believe it.

So, you know what? I'm thinking I'll still have customer service stories for you. Wish us luck!

"Finders Keepers" does not work in banking. Sorry.

2004-09-12T04:34:00.000-07:00

Hi. Dana Jones (not my real last name but we're pretending this is a commercial so bear with me (actually, I think Jones works better with my name than my real last name. I wonder if Davy is single and would like to marry me (I think I have over-parenthesized so we're going to try this again.)))

Hi. Dana Jones here from NABABNA. If you have been reading our public service announcements (carefully disguised as accounts of stupid customers), you will remember such classic tales such as why having a joint account can be messy, how using your bank as a porn line can be risky and my personal favorite, why insurance fraud is bad. Today, however, we will be discussing something that, if you do this, may result in loss of property. And, on a lighter note, is extremely amusing to everyone else involved in it. Do you know why? That's right. If you do this, you are a moron.

Take the following example. The major players are Mr. Nixon (not his real name, only for the "I am not a crook" reference) and Marvin (the 2nd supervisor that handled this escalated call).

Our story so far. Bettina, a phone banker, receives a phone call from a very angry Mr. Nixon. He is upset because there is a very large hold on his account. Bettina does some research and realizes that Mr. Nixon received a payroll deposit into his account for $10,000. However, this payroll deposit is not in Mr. Nixon's name, it is in Mr. Random Person's name. Plus, the company making the deposit is not a company that Mr. Nixon works for nor has he ever received a payroll deposit before. And, to make this even more exciting, Mr. Nixon took this money and spent it.

Yes. $10,000 was deposited into his account in error and he spent the money (I'm not sure what he bought but I hope he enjoyed it). Bettina tried to explain to Mr. Nixon that this money was not his and he should not have spent it. Mr. Nixon does not agree with her and demands to speak to a supervisor. He is then transferred to Charmaine, a phone banker who is being trained on how to take escalated calls. During the call, as Charmaine is explaining to Mr. Nixon why he should not have spent that money, she overhears a conversation between Mr. Nixon and his wife. This conversation is not in English, however, Charmaine does speak the same language and realizes what is being said. Mrs. Nixon asks her husband if this isn't the money that they transferred to their savings account and why hadn't he told her where it came from. Mr. Nixon tells her to shut up and continues to yell at Charmaine.

By this time, Beth, Bettina and Charmaine's supervisor, is looking into this account to find out what is going on. Also, Marvin, another supervisor, tells Charmaine to transfer the call to him since she has been speaking to Mr. Nixon for a half hour and he is not listening to anything she says. Marvin is 6'4" and weighs about 250. Somehow, you can hear this in his voice and most of his escalated calls run very smoothly. Marvin thinks that he will be able to control the call and convince Mr. Nixon that he is wrong.

At this time, Beth starts asking Bettina and Charmaine questions about the call because she is going to file a report on it. I start to listen to Marvin's conversation with Mr. Nixon, using a monitoring system. I was able to write some of this down at the time.

Mr. Nixon: I am very upset. NABABNA is not helping me as a customer.
Marvin: There’s a difference between helping you as a customer and giving you $10,000.
Mr. Nixon: I don’t trust NABABNA with my money.
Marvin: What money? It wasn’t your money.

This goes on for a little bit. Marvin discovers the real reason Mr. Nixon is upset. It appears that his car payment is due and he's worried about making it. Yes. That's right. He spent $10,000 of someone else's money and he's worried about making his car payment. Before the hold had been placed on his account, he had $1,800. Now his account was, due to the hold, negative $8,200. His car payment was for $500. Marvin and Mr. Nixon go back and forth about how Mr. Nixon can't make his car payment now. Marvin explains again why the hold was placed.

Mr. Nixon: You put the money in my account. It is not my fault that it was the wrong account. It is now my money. You cannot take it back.
Marvin: I'm sorry, sir, that is not correct. This money was not yours.

Beth and I start flipping through our disclosures. All banks have these. It is a pamphlet listing all the things you can and cannot do with your account. We know that there is a passage in there that deals with this particular situation. When we find it, I run it up to Marvin.

Marvin: Mr. Nixon, I would like to read you something from the bank's disclosures. This is very important. I want you to listen to this. Are you listening?

He reads the information that states that if, for any reason, money is placed into your account in error, NABABNA does reserve the right to withdraw that money and it is not yours. In other words, no, you don't get to keep it and chanting "Losers Weepers" doesn't get you anywhere (It's the same thing that happens if your payroll department gives you too much money. Once they realize their error, they'll correct it and take the money out of your next paycheck. I've known people that thought it was okay to spend the money and then their next paycheck was for five dollars).

Mr. Nixon: What does that mean?
Marvin: This means if there is $10,000 placed into the account, it would be a good idea to check with the bank before spending the money.
Mr. Nixon: Why would I do that? You made a mistake. I did not. The money is mine. What if it happened to you? You would spend money, right?
Marvin: No, sir, the money is not yours. If this would happen to me, I know to check this with the bank because I don’t want to be bitten somewhere I don’t want to be bitten.
Mr. Nixon: I am very upset. I should have $1,800. I don't have $1,800 in my account anymore. That is my money. You can not take it.
Marvin: You’re right. You don’t have $1,800 in your account. You have negative $8,200 in your account.
Mr. Nixon: It’s not right for the bank to take my money.
M1: It’s not your money.

I'd like to say that Mr. Nixon finally realized the error of his ways and returned the money to NABABNA and all was well. Unfortunately, this was not the case. Marvin and Mr. Nixon argued back and forth about this for approximately 45 minutes. Mr. Nixon never once said "Hey, Marvin, you're right. I never should have taken this money." Instead, he hung up after threatening to sue NABABNA.

So, moral of the story is that we're not in kindergarten. You're not talking about a penny you found on the street. If there is money placed into your account and you don't know where it came from, don't think "Oh, hey, they made a mistake. They'll never figure it out." For the record, this wasn't our mistake, it was the payroll department's and they figured it out when their employee called them and said "Hey, I never got my paycheck. What's going on?"

Anyway, this is Dana Jones signing off and saying "Thanks for listening. We'll return next week with another tale of horrid account managing."

And I speak to Ms. "I like to Argue (Even though I'm not good at it)"

2004-09-11T23:26:00.000-07:00

People need to find better uses for their time. In almost four years of dealing with angry, swearing, stupid, and irresponsible people, I've had my share of dealing with people who need a life.

A couple nights ago, I ran across Ms. I-Like-To-Argue Even-Though-I'm-Not-Good-At-It (Ilta Etingai - it sounds German, doesn't it?). I wish we could just ask customers, "Don't you have anything BETTER to do?" Here's the conversation:

B: Thank you for holding Ms. Ilta. My name is Beth, how can I help you?
Ilta: Are you Shirley's supervisor?
B: Shirley's on our team, yes.
Ilta: How's her performance?
B: Fantastic.
Ilta: It wasn't today.
B: I'm sorry to hear that. What was the problem?
Ilta: I hate it when people do that.
B: Do what?
Ilta: Don't assume what I'm saying!

I pause. Does she mean she hates it when people don't assume what she's saying or is she telling me to not assume and if this is the case, did I assume anything?

Ilta: People just jump into the problem and they don't listen to me. You don't need to do that!
B: Okay... What did I assume?
Ilta: Customer service representatives are uneducated.
B: Our bankers have training to help assist you with your account.
Ilta: Don't use the word banker. They are not bankers.
B: Our employees answering the phones are bankers. This is in their job titles.
Ilta: No. The people on the phones don't need a degree and bankers at the branch do. That makes the people on the phone customer service representatives.
B: The bankers at the branch are not required to have a degree. The level of education requirements are the same for both positions.
Ilta: No they're not. Don't use the term for the phone people as bankers. I know what a banker is.
B: One who works for a bank?
No response. A pause.
Ilta: I'm not abusive. I haven't verbally abused anyone.
B: What brought this on?
Ilta: The person I spoke to before Shirley hung-up on me.
B: That's terrible. Was it on purpose?
Ilta: Your representatives just don't know customer service.
(But aren't they 'customer service representatives?')
B: Okay. Again, do you know if the banker disconnected the call on purpose?
Ilta: If they can't handle a call, they should get a supervisor.
B: Okay. What makes you feel the banker could not handle the call?
Ilta: SHE (you know, Satan's #1 minion) hung-up on me.
B: Alright. Again, was this on purpose or maybe an accident?
Ilta: It must have been on purpose.
B: What was the conversation like?
Ilta: What are you, the FBI?
B: I'm just trying to get a picture of the call Ms. Ilta.
Ilta: Sh*t, F*ck, D*mn. These are swear words.
B: Yes, they are.
Ilta: Are you going to hang up on me?
B: As long as the call remains professional and courteous, no.
Ilta: Why did SHE hang up on me?
B: I don't know. Where you using those words with her?
Ilta: Who cares if I was?
B: Well, if you are abusing a banker in an extreme fashion, there may be consequences.
Ilta: Would you like to be put on hold?
B: If a representative of a company that I'm talking to has to complete something, I'm willing to hold. I'm asking them to help me.
Ilta: Would you like it?
B: It's not my favorite thing but I don't get upset when someone needs to place me on hold for a moment.
Ilta: Why did she hang up on me?
B: I'll try to figure that out. What was the conversation like before the call disconnected?
Ilta: I'm not telling you that.
B: Okay. Normally we don't disconnect customers. In extreme situations of verbal abuse, including excessive use of profanity or threats, the call may be terminated after warning.
Ilta: Swearing isn't abuse.
B: If the profanity or insults are directed to an individual, that is verbal abuse.
Ilta: Well, I've told customer service representatives that they're uneducated and they can't do their jobs.
B: That would be insulting. That would be considered to be abusive.
Ilta: No it's not.
(Am I dealing with a two-year old here? Her argument is seriously, "No it's not.")
Ilta: Find out why she hung up on me.
B: Can you hold while I call the center she's at?
Ilta: I guess.

Long story short, I call the other center and guess what? The banker had been talking to Ms. Ilta. Ms. Ilta's phone died. The line went dead. That's right. The banker did not hang up on Ms. Ilta.

B: Ms. Ilta? Thanks for holding. I talked to the other center and they told me they were talking when the line went dead. They wondered if your phone had a problem.
Ilta: Oh, my battery was low. That's no reason for her to hang up on me.

[Internal struggle to restrain myself from reaching through phone and strangling Ms. Ilta.]

Ilta: When did I call?
B: I'm showing you called at 18:02 Central Time. I can convert this from military time, give me one moment.
Ilta: I don't care what you do.
B: Alright then. That would be 6:02 Central Time.
Ilta: I didn't call then.
B: When did you call if this is wrong?
Ilta: Don't YOU know?
B: Yes I do. You called at 6:02 Central Time.
Ilta: What is 6:02 Pacific Time in Central Time?
B: Well, 6:02 Pacific would be 8:02 Central Time.
Ilta: That makes NO sense.
B: Well, 6:02 Central Time in Pacific Time would be 4:02. I didn't want to assume you were looking for the reverse.

[By the way, this does not make customers happy. Customers hate being called on their errors.]
Ilta: Whatever. Goodbye.
B: Thanks for calling.

[Side note, this call lasted much longer than it is here. I didn't really want to relive all the tragic details.]

MIHYAN

2004-09-02T20:23:00.000-07:00

A former NABABNA banker told me this story and it amused me. I thought I would share it with you.

Fergus answered his phone one afternoon. His customer was that favorite of ours, Person without a Brain (PB). PB wanted some account information and Fergus was glad to help.

F: I am glad to help, PB. May I have your account number (MIHYAN)?
PB: Yes. It is 2605551212.
F: Thank you (Fergus types the number in. It does not pull up an account number). I'm sorry, I seem to be having some difficulties in accessing that account. Let me repeat that. 2605551212. Is that correct?
PB. Yes.
F: I do apologize, this number does not seem to be working (Using the psychic and deductive powers that NABABNA bankers are known for, it suddenly dawns on him why the account number is not working. It's not an account number). Is this your phone number?
PB: Yes.
F: I'm sorry, I am not able to pull up information by phone numbers. MIHYAN?
PB: 1234.
F: Is that the check number?
PB: Yes.
F: MIHYAN?
PB: The bank's number is 6055551212.
F: Thank you. However, that won't help me access your account information. MIHYAN?
PB: Didn't I give it to you already?
F: No, I'm sorry. Let's try this. Would you read the numbers on the bottom of your check from left to right for me (We often end up asking this. The bottom number is called a MICR line (Magnetic Ink Character Recognition. If you haven't seen Catch Me If You Can, I would recommend it. It's a good movie about bank fraud and why it's not as easy as it used to be, the MICR line is one of the reasons. (Bank fraud is wrong. Don't do it))?
PB: No. That's too many numbers.
F: Okay. How about we try your social security number? May I have that?
PB: I don't feel comfortable giving out my social security number.

A brief pause in our transcript as I just need to drag out the soapbox. Okay. Soapbox at the ready. Climbing on up.

You called us! We didn't randomly call you at home and say "Hey, I'm got a great deal (scam) for you, give me your account number so I can debit your account for lots and lots of money!" We didn't call you and say "Hey, I'm a shady character who thinks nothing of stealing from people, why don't you give me your social security number so I can steal your identity!" You picked up your phone, dialed the number and called us. You know it's us. We're the ones who don't know who you are.

Okay. Thank you for your time. Vant over.

F: I apologize. I really want to help you but I won't be able to identify you unless I can look up your account information with either your account number or social security number. If you could read the numbers from the bottom of your check, I could start with that number.
PB: Fine. The numbers are...

It is this moment in time where Fergus' computer chooses to self-destruct, a little fun moment of time which we refer to as "Unscheduled Maintenance." The reason we do this is because customers don't like to hear about computer problems. That freaks them out. They start thinking about the stock market crash and the Depression and, well, believe me, it's not pretty.

F: I apologize. I seem to be having some unscheduled maintenance on my computer and will not be able to assist you. If I could place you on hold, I will transfer you to another banker.
PB: No.
F: Excuse me?
PB: I want you to help me.
F: I'm sorry, I can't. My computer isn't working.
PB: But I gave you my account number.
F: No, you didn't. Actually you gave me your phone number, check number and the bank's phone number. I don't have any of your information. Even if I did, I would be unable to access it at this time. May I place you on hold?
PB: Will you transfer me to someone at NABABNA?
F: Um...yes. That's who you want to talk to, right?
PB: Right.
F: Okay, I will transfer you now.

This is not the only time this has happened. Occasionally you will hear a banker say, using all of their customer service skills, "No, that's your check number. MIHYAN?"

I speak to Mr. Doubtfire

2004-08-27T12:58:00.000-07:00

Today I received a phone call from a customer who, I swear, was Robin Williams pretending to be Mrs. Doubtfire. The same accent, the same falsetto, just an actual customer. It was a little frightening. I kept expecting him to say "Surprise! It's really Robin Williams!" He never did.

Mr. Doubtfire (DF) was calling in regarding an overdraft fee that was assessed to his account. Now, one thing that might help you understand my problem with this call is the fact that I have a slight hearing problem. If a customer or banker is a "low talker," I can't hear them. Not even with the amplifier on my phone turned up as loud as possible. If a customer or a banker has an accent, be it British, New Yorker, Asian, German, French, you name it, I can't hear them.

Well, I can hear them, but the sounds fade in and out. This is why it is possible for me to watch an entire movie thinking the guy's name is Chad and it's actually Jad (Minority Report). This is why, when I watched Around the World in 80 Days, I had no clue what was going on since all the major characters had accents.

So, Mr. DF was a challenge. Here's our conversation, or at least what I remember of it.

Banker transfers customer to me after telling me that the customer keeps screaming "I need a supervisor, I need a supervisor!" over and over.

DM: I'm Dana, what the hell do you want (Oh, please, do I even need to italicize here? Of course I didn't say that. (For the record, if I didn't catch the word, there will be xx's))?
DF: I give money to the poor.
DM: Okay. That's good to know. What can I do for you today, Mr. DF?
DF: I use xxx to xxx checks to the poor.
DM: I see (Code for "I have no clue what you just said"). I'd like to help you with that. May I have your account number?
DF: It is 1234xxxxx1 (Hmm, I should have used something other than xx's. He actually said the xx's and was obviously reading his account number off of something either online or a receipt. Because, yeah, I can accept that).
DM: Okay. Let's try a social security number.

He gives me his social security number and his name. Then we go back to trying to figure out what his account number is without the xx's. At one point he asks me if he can just give me his address. But finally, he goes and gets his checkbook.

DF: I will xxx this to you but xxx not sure if I can xxx the numbers. They xxx really small. 1234567891. Is that right? Your numbers xxx giving xxx a headache.
DM: I'm sorry to hear that. What can I help you with?

Here he starts talking about how he gives money to the poor and how he donates money to various charities. Which, hey, is cool, right? This is a good thing to do. But then, before I get a chance to find out what he wants me to do, he starts listing off the various charities he donates to and what they support.

DF: And I give money to xxx, with the wee xxx who are xxxing. I wrote a xxx to xxx because they are recovering from cancer, poor things.

And the list continues but then he, for some reason, starts talking lower and all I am actually hearing is "Mmmm mmmm mmmmmm mmmm mmmm, starving. Mmmm mmm children mmm with mmmm." It almost makes me wish for video phones so I could at least see his lips flapping at me. Then I could pretend I read lips. Finally he stops.

DM: That's wonderful, Mr. DF. I think it's great that you donate money to people. However, what happened is that a check you wrote came through the account and there weren't enough funds to cover it. There was only 3 dollars in your account when this 25 dollar check came through. Do you know why that happened? We could go through the items. When did you last balance your account?
DF: I didn't xxx my statement and xxx and the xxx is mailed at xxx and why can't I get it on the 1st?
DM: I'm sorry you didn't (stab in the dark) receive your statement, Mr. DF. I show that it was mailed on the 3rd business day of the month. I can change it so your statement is mailed on the 1st, would that help?
DF: Oh, that would xxx very xxx, you are a xxx girl (I think he called me a nice girl).
DM: Great. I'll take care of that. Do you know why you became overdrawn?

Wrong question. Because again, I was submitted to the listings of the charities. And then he told me about how he and his wife have an account together but she keeps control of that checkbook and she's very stingy and would never give anyone any money. At least that's what I think he said. He very easily could have been telling me that he was from the planet XXX and I should sell everything I own and join him and his friends in a intergalactic love-in.

DF: And I received a letter from the president, the president, who told me I was a great American citizen (Ooh, gosh, well that's awesome! Get off my phone! (At this point, I threw up my arms in frustration. My boss laughed)).
DM: That's great, Mr. DF. I would be happy to reverse your fee, however, I'm worried that this might happen again. Do you know why you became overdrawn?

Yes, I caved. In my defense, I was planning on reversing the fee anyway. Because it really is sweet, you know, this little old English (Irish? Who knows) guy who has a separate account set up so that he can donate money to charity.

DF: Oh, xxx wonderful. You xxx such a xxx girl. I xxx will xxx my account closer now.
DM: Okay. Now, you understand, this doesn't bring your account positive, right? You still will be overdrawn by 22 dollars.
DF: Okay. I will xxx a deposit xxx. Thank xxx, Dana."

The world would be a much better place if there were subtitles everywhere, not just on DVD.

Identification, it's making me wait.

2004-08-25T18:24:00.000-07:00

I promised you a post on identification, didn't I? Okay, here goes.

I work in a phone bank. That means I can't see you. As much as we all wish we were keeping up with the Jetsons and walking our dogs on conveyor belts and ordering Rosie around, we don't have video phones. Or maybe you do but honey, I have to tell you, the phone bank doesn't. No video phones. So that means that the answer to your question why can't I use your driver's license as identification, it's because I can't see you. Get the picture? Good. We don't.

I don't know you. You can say "Dana, you know it's me" all you want but it comes down to the fact that I don't. I have no clue who you are. You are a voice. And for all I know, you're not your real voice. You could be a fake voice that clubbed the real voice to death and is trying to steal information. Okay?

Let's play a game. I will say to you politely "Sir, I'm sorry, but if I were to activate your debit card without properly identifying you, that is placing your funds at risk." Let's think about what the correct answer would be. Hmm, is it A - "You're right. I appreciate your concern, I will call back later with my information?" Or, is it B - "Oh, c'mon, Dana, you know perfectly well that if my card was used, NABABNA would have to replace my funds?" If you said A, you are brilliant! If you said B, you will get to hear me say "You're right, sir, and I'm not willing to take that risk. Thank you for calling. I am sorry I could not assist you." And you will know that I am secretly calling you a jackass.

I do not respond well to intimidation. Screaming at me does not make me want to give you information. Tears do not work as well. Threatening me can result in having your account closed. How hard is it for you to take a few moments and have this stuff ready before you tried to get information?

How would I possibly know what your mother's maiden name is? Didn't we establish that I don't know you? So, no, unless you have already set up a password, using your mother's maiden name, that's really not going to help me.

I have a thought. How about instead of calling and screaming at the poor person unlucky enough to answer the phone because you don't know your account number, you actually find this information before you call us. That way you won't have to lose your voice and we won't sit and laugh at you. How does that sound?

Okay. I think we've all learned from this. Carry on with your lives.

Be That As It May

2004-08-21T13:08:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I went into work for overtime. Yes, I volunteered to take escalated calls for four hours. What we will do for money...I had two very interesting calls, one right after another.

The first one was a customer who could not be identified. Keem briefly touched on this in another post but I'd like to expand on it, if I may (Eh. It's my blog and I'll post if I want to). Why do people get so upset when we refuse to release information to them if they can't be identified? I don't get it. I will do a separate post someday about some of the stuff we hear.

Anyway, the customer, Ms. Unidentified Doorknob (UD), was throwing a fit because she didn't know any of her account information. The banker introduces her to me and we are off.

UD: I don't understand why you can't use my address, my birthday, my driver's license (Beth pointed out - Hmm, those are all on your driver's license. Someone can steal that.)
DM: I'm sorry, Ms. UD, but unfortunately, I am unable to see your driver's license. However, if you visit the branch, they can assist you there by looking at the license and giving you your account number.
UD: Can I close my account at the branch? I have had nothing but problems with NABABNA. You are stealing my money. You took money out of my account without my authorization.
DM: What do you mean?
UD: I have a loan with you and you took money out of my checking account to pay my loan and I didn't authorize it. You stole my money.
DM: Was the loan delinquent?
UD: Yes. But you just can't take my money.
DM: I'm sorry, Ms. UD, but if you don't make your payments, we do reserve the right to withdraw the money from your account. It's in our disclosures.
UD: Someone said that before and I had them mail me the disclosures and it's not in there.
DM: Yes, it is. It's under Delinquent Accounts (There's a more technical name for it. But it might also give away who NABABNA really is and I'm not taking that chance).
UD: Be that as it may, I have a lawyer.

She hangs up. Okay, I'm sorry. But I really hate the expression "Be that as it may." Because what you're really saying is "I don't care that you have a perfectly logical explanation, I want to do things my way. And it's always said in that really snotty tone. It's the adult version of sticking your tongue out at someone and saying "Nya-nya-nya." And your lawyer is going to read the disclosures and say "Hmm. Looks like they have everything covered here and were within their rights. Now give me lots of money."

The second call was transferred to me by a banker who really tries not to let calls escalate. So when he can't work with the customer, I know the call is going to be a doozy. This was Mr. Whacked Out ((WO) possibly on some really good drugs) and he wanted overdraft fees reversed. Never mind the fact that he continually calls the call center to get his fees reversed.

DM: My name is Dana, Mr. WO. I'm a supervisor and am going to assist you further today.
WO: I wonder why every time I talk to a supervisor, it is always a woman (What? What is that supposed to mean? We occasionally get calls from men who refuse to speak to women supervisors because they feel superior to us and we also, as evidenced in this post, get calls from men who only want to speak to women supervisors. Which type is he going to be?).
DM: I'm not sure. What can I help you with today?

I then sit there for five minutes and listen to Mr. WO talk. He did not pause long enough for me to get a word in edgewise and I'm not sure when he actually took a breath. I got to listen to him tell me how he was disabled because he couldn't remember things and that his card shouldn't work if he doesn't have money and did I think he would have spent the money that overdrew his account if he would have known that he didn't have money and didn't I think that $100 (no, our overdraft fees are not that expensive) was too much to charge when his purchases were only $6.50 and $3.00 and his wife made the purchases because she thought he had made the deposit already and yes, that was his fault but he's disabled and he balanced his checkbook everyday by the automated system but he forgot about a check he wrote a few weeks ago and so he spent the money and that's why they became overdrawn.

Finally, he stops. I am able to speak.

DM: Mr. WO...
WO: I know what you're going to say. You're going to say you're sorry for my frustration and it's going to come out of your butt (Okay, what the hell does that mean?).
DM: Mr. WO, I am sorry for your frustration...
WO: I knew it. I knew you would say that. You sound like (I am waiting for him to say a robot and then he surprises me) Paula Poundstone.
DM: Okay...(What the hell is this?)
WO: That's a compliment. I like Paula Poundstone. You can tell all your friends that I said you sound like Paula Poundstone.
DM: I was going to take it as a compliment. I like her as well.
WO: I used to work in sales. I sold door to door and when the husbands came to the door I knew I had an easy sale. I think that's why there aren't many male supervisors at NABABNA. The females aren't an easy touch. You have a nice day. Bye.

And he's gone.

Now, the thing is, I do feel sorry for Mr. WO. I am sure it is a challenge living with memory loss. However, I wonder, since this has happened many times before (due to the amount of reimbursements he's received in the past), why does his wife trust him to make the deposit?

I am amused by him telling me that I sound like Paula Poundstone. I have, in the past, been told that I look like Roseanne. Why do people use female comics to describe me? Is it because I am so witty and wonderful? Must be.

Anyway, have a nice day. Be that as it may.

An open letter to movie goers everywhere

2004-08-21T04:52:00.000-07:00

Dear movie goers,

Last night, I went to the movies. I am a big movie fan and usually spend upwards to $30 a week to partake in one of my favorite activities. I don't mind spending $8 to watch the latest offering from our friends in Hollywood. I don't mind paying $16 for a bag of popcorn and two pops. I don't mind sitting through the commercials and the previews. In my mind, this is part of the movie experience and I am okay with it.

Here's what I'm not okay with:

Being held captive by a bunch of teenagers who seem to think that the entire theater wishes to hear about the trials and tribulations of being a teenager. Here's a clue, I already was a teenager. I grew up. I'm an adult now. If I wanted to hear all about your love life, how your teachers are soooo mean to you, who you thought was cute - well, I'd go and get a teenager of my own.
People entering the theater late and, instead of walking up the stairs like a normal person, making sure they hit each step loudly. And, when someone comments on it, like we have a right to since we paid 8 bucks for the damn movie, showing your maturity by now stomping on each step as hard as you can.
The musical chairs thing that goes on. Now, I have to sit on the left side of Keem when we go to the movies. It is easier for me to reach the popcorn with my right hand. And yes, sometimes I forget which side I want to sit on. But when I have realized my mistake, I very quietly will switch. I don't stand up and at the top of my lungs say "No. This won't work. Muffy, you sit here next to Pooky and I'll sit next to Dopey." Oh, and even if I did, well, because Keem is the organized one, we're usually in the theater 30 minutes before the movie starts and you wouldn't know because you waited to the last minute.
If you are going to stand up, please do so slowly. Otherwise your seat will fly up and bounce back and forth and make that damn thwacking sound I hate.
Just a thought, parents, if you're going to let your daughters go to the movies by themselves in their "I want to be a pop star so I'll dress as provocatively as I can" outfits, you may want to suggest that they not announce as loudly as possible about how they are there by themselves and Mom's going to pick them up after the movie. I'm sure you're aware of the amount of sexual predators out there in the world that might take that as an invitation.
Stop kicking the back of my chair, dammit!
I make my own money. I really don't need the pennies you are whipping through the theater because you don't have a life and think this is entertainment.

Does anyone else remember when the theater manager would come in and make an announcement before the beginning of the movie? Something like "Have a good time but please respect others and do not talk during the movie. If you do, we will ask you to leave." When going to the movies was fun, not an exercise in futility as you are forced to listen to people talk on the cell phone, crying babies, loud teenagers and rude adults?

If I ever open my own theater, there will be rules. And if you violate those rules, you will be asked to leave and informed you can never come back. And if you are under the age of 18, your parents will have to provide us with a phone number so we can call them and make them come and get you when you act up. The only people allowed will be those who can watch a movie and respect others.

And if someone slips and yells at the screen "Why? For the love of God, why?" it'll be like yesterday when we were watching Napoleon Dynamite and everyone laughed. I'm sorry about that, by the way.

Even morons receive paychecks

2004-08-20T01:03:00.000-07:00

Inspiration hit me today. Frustrated and pulling my hair out, it hit.

At my job at NABABNA, the occasional task of finding out if a check has been paid through the account it is drawn on comes up. Not a big deal. I, like others in my position, call over to the maker bank and ask, "Has check #1234 cleared on account #1234567890?" The other bank usually says, "Yes," or the other popular answer, "No." This is simple. Should it take an hour?

It did today.

My customer had deposited a check for $1000 into his account. This check was a cash advance from a credit card. The check itself was not drawn on the credit card, it was drawn on an account held by Bank of Bank. The funds to clear this check were in an internal bank account, not a customer's account.

Thinking this wouldn't be so difficult, I called Bank of Bank. I spoke to Ignorant Female (IF). Here is the conversation:

IF: Thank you for calling Bank of Bank. I'm IF. How can I help you?
B: Hi, my name is Beth. I'm calling from NABABNA and I'm hoping you can help me determine if a check has cleared from an account. The account is held by Bank of Bank, not a customer. Can you do that?
IF: Yes I can. What is the customer's account number?
B: Well, I have that, but this check is not drawn on the customer's account.
IF: What are you looking for?
B: I want to know if this check has cleared the account it is drawn on.
IF: I'll look. What is the customer's account number?
B: The account number of the customer is 1234567890. But the account it is drawn on is 9876543210.
IF: The funds have cleared the customer's account.
B: But the item is not from the customer's account. It is from an internal bank account.
IF: What do you need to know?
B: I would like to know if the check has actually cleared the bank.
IF: Can you hold while I check?
B: Yes. Please, please, please ask someone for help.

I wait. She returns.

IF: That check has cleared.
B: Good. Are you able to tell me when it cleared?
IF: It cleared on Monday.
B: Um, the check wasn't deposited to NABABNA until Tuesday. How can it clear before it was given to us?
IF: Well, we gave the customer a check and billed his credit card on Monday.

Here is where I get the twinge that this employee of Bank of Bank doesn't have a clue. None, what-so-ever.

B: Okay. That doesn't answer the question of whether or not this physical check has cleared your bank then.
IF: But we billed him on Monday.
B: I get that. You gave him money, billed him, and cut him a check from another account. I am hoping that you can tell me if the check you gave him has cleared the other account. That account number again is 9876543210.
IF: Okay. Can you hold?
B: Yes.

She may have been asking for help here. If she was, she either got wrong information, or asked the wrong questions to her helpdesk.

IF: We paid the check from his credit card.
B: Has it cleared the account it is drawn on?
IF: Hold please.

Okay then. For the sake of frustration, I'll shorten this. She placed me on hold five more times. Each time coming back to tell me that his credit card was billed but having no information about the actual check clearing.

Finally, she transfers me to her supervisor.

IF: Beth, I have my supervisor, Gets It, on the line. You're speaking in technical terms and maybe she can help you.
B: Okay. Thank you.
GI: How can I help you?
B: I'm wondering if check #1234 has cleared account #9876543210.
GI: No. It is still outstanding. We have billed his credit card, but the check has not reached our bank yet to release the funds to NABABNA.
B: Thank you. You were a huge help.

I have a question. Maybe I've been in banking too long, but I do believe calling another bank and asking, "Has this check cleared?" is not technical. It's not like I said, "I am pondering for information to see if the negotiable item designated by the serial number 1234 has been presented for payment by being processed through the Federal Reserve system and the funds were released by the maker bank on the account specified by the numerical sequence 9876543210." Do you think "Has the check cleared?" is technical? Am I way out of line to think a bank employee should understand this? My inquiring mind wants to know.

And sometimes the morons try to kill you

2004-08-19T21:09:00.000-07:00

I used to work in the fast food industry. I didn't particularly enjoy it but I really enjoyed annoying my mother. "Dana, you're so talented, so smart, so funny, why do you waste your time in these dead end jobs?" Would someone explain to me why I would take offense at her telling me I'm smart? I would usually end up saying something stupid like "I enjoy working with people. I'm a people person."

Ha. Try working 10 years in fast food/retail and see how much you like people after that. 10 Christmas seasons in the Mall. I really have to say, I hate people. And yet, you might wonder, why would I choose to work in a call center? Am I just insane? Well, the nice thing about my job is that when someone is screaming at me, they can't see me. I can stick my tongue out at them, I can hit the mute button, I can roll my eyes. And I don't really hate people, I just hate people when they shop. You want to torture me, drag me to the Mall during the Christmas season. Yuck. You want to be my best friend? Bring me to a library.

Anyway, I digress. So I worked fast food for this little taco joint before we were bought out by a big taco joint. And, since we were a big taco joint, we had to hire a lot of new employees. Suddenly, I, the assistant manager, was now the evening assistant manager, which was quite the shock for me. Suddenly, I was placed in control of people I would never ever have hired, not in a million years.

There were the Owie Sisters. Can't remember their names but they were 15 (this was 1986 and it was legal for them to work, they just couldn't do certain things) and pretty much all they were allowed to do was wash dishes. And every day I'd ask them to wash dishes, I would get this litany of complaints.

The water was too hot.
The water was too cold.
The detergent was too harsh.
They had just done their nails.
They had paper cuts and the bleach water would hurt.

Pretty much all they would do was flirt with the older and dangerous guys working there. One of them fell for a nice stable guy, the other one fell for the bad boy (Who I knew personally and would continually hiss "Jail bait" at him whenever he would come over to my apartment. And he would grin that bad boy smile. He was hot. A moron. But hot. I saw him about 4 years ago. He looks the same. Damn him).

Then there was The Putz. Complete idiot. I had two employees that did frying. Taco shells, taco salad shells, etc. One employee, Mr. Perfect, who was perfect in every way (and who I would have married in a heart beat except for the small barrier in the way of our perfect romance, the fact that he wasn't attracted to women) could finish all the frying in two hours. An entire day's work in two hours which was way above standard but he was perfect, after all. The Putz took two hours to fry a pan of taco shells. And half of them were broken.

I hated The Putz. So you can imagine my shock and horror when my roommate, Anya, comes over to the store, sees The Putz and falls madly in love with him. It was 1986, the hair bands were in full force and The Putz would walk around after work with the hair band rocker style wig on. And a mesh shirt. With his pasty white belly and man boobs hanging out of it. Shudder (At least when I fell for Mr. Perfect, he had the decency to be a snazzy dresser and attractive and in good shape and intelligent and witty and funny. And we had the same taste in men). I remember when Anya first told me she was interested in The Putz. I think my exact words were "Oh, God, no. Anya, it takes him two hours to fry taco shells. Two hours!" Which, now that I think of it, really wasn't that convincing of an argument.

But even The Putz wasn't the worst employee, not the biggest moron working at the big taco joint. No, that would be the really sweet, nice kid who just didn't have a clue. Clueless Boy would stare at you when you gave him instructions. He would watch your lips move. And then when you would ask him to repeat something back to you, he had no idea what you had just said to him. If you told him to wash dishes, he would cut tomatoes. If you asked him to sweep the floor, he would mop it.

I remember the night I got the warning that the district manager would be visiting our store the next morning. Clueless Boy was the only person closing with me. I went into a frenzy of cleaning, racing up and down the row, scouring and polishing everything. I asked Clueless Boy to do one thing for me. Sweep the floor. "Clueless Boy," I said. "I need you to do one thing for me and then you can leave. Sweep the floor. I want this floor so spotless you can eat off of it. Can you do that for me?" He nodded. I left to have a quick cigarette because I knew I would spend another 2 hours making sure the place looked perfect. I come back. He is standing in the middle of the floor, his eager clueless eyes looking at me like a puppy (Can I go, can I go?). I look at the floor. Oh, yeah, you could eat off of it. There was enough taco remains scattered on the floor to feed an army.

I sighed. "Okay, Clueless Boy. I'm just going to ask one thing from you. I need you to fill the mop bucket for me with Bleach and hot water. Then you can go." I continue my hurried cleaning. The water is running in the background. Then I smell this acrid scent. What is that? I start coughing. I look over at Clueless Boy. There is this cloud emanating from the mop bucket, along with the horrible smell that is making my eyes water. What is going on?

Then I see the Lime Away in his hand. Lime Away and Bleach do not mix well. There are warnings on the labels. There are big signs all over the wall near the mop sink that say "Don't mix Lime Away and Bleach. It is bad." Do you know why there were big signs all over the wall?

Because Clueless Boy was the second employee who tried to kill me. You would have thought he would have listened when I was talking to a coworker about the near death experience I had encountered the night before. Maybe he would have figured it out when I had the discussion with the staff that night about the dangers of Lime Away and Bleach.

You really would have thought he would have grasped the concept when I had asked him to make the signs to post on the wall, though.

I need a fork*

2004-08-17T08:06:00.000-07:00

I am a fairly easy going person (I know that people are laughing. I can sense it. Shut up!) and manage to maintain my temper fairly well. Unfortunately, there are certain things that can set me off, morons being one of those things.

When I first started at NABABNA, I had this wonderful corner desk that I adored. And then they started surrounding me by idiots (My favorite line in The Lion King is Scar - "I am surrounded by idiots"). First I end up with the Annoying Irish Guy (AIG) - "Oh, I am so great. I am Irish and such a better person than you. Blah, blah, blah" I hated him. Loved his accent. Hated him.

Then there was the Insane Mother (IM) - "And then, the guy told me my envelope wasn't in the box. And I made him move so I could look in the box. And then, Dana, you wouldn't believe it, my envelope was at the very bottom. So I hit him with it. And he had the nerve to call the police." Um, you beat up a federal employee with an envelope. The shock isn't that he called the cops, the shock is that you're not in jail.

But the worst, the very worst person who ended up sitting by me was the Troll. That is the only description for him. If you were to look under a bridge, I'm sure you'd find him. He was stupid and mean and thought the world revolved around him. And I'm sorry, Troll, but the world doesn't revolve around you. This is my universe and you are merely a speck of dust (the difference between us is when I say that, people generally realize I'm joking. He would go to management if someone looked at him funny and complain about the horrid way he was being treated. Such a pain).

This is what I was subjected to on a daily basis.

A customer calls. The Troll speaks. In this nasally voice that made me want to scream. It sounded like fingernails on a chalkboard, like a rusty screen door creaking on its hinges, oh, like any annoying voice you've ever heard. This is what I had to listen to from my once premium corner of the call center:

Troll: Basically, ma'am, if you basically want to basically go to the branch, they can basically help you with your problem.

Argh! Do you understand my pain? I wanted to say "Basically, Troll, if you don't basically stop saying basically, I'm basically going to basically bludgeon you to basically death."

The day he left the call center was a day of rejoicing in my universe. But he's been replaced by someone even more annoying.

I am in the computer room NABABNA has generously provided to their employees. There are also telephones so you could call your loved ones if you so desired to call them. I am reading a very funny blog and all is well in my life. And then he walks in. Baby Talk Man (BTM).

Here is a conversation I have overheard (I may have exaggerated slightly. There is a reason I never became a journalist, you know. It had something to do with the fact that I am, although sweet and wonderful and caring in every way, not exactly a unbiased person. Yes, I sense your shock and accept your forgiveness):

BTM: Hello, my smooky. How's my sweetums today? Oo, how is my little um's tum-tum? Oh, that's good, my random nonsense words. I love my sweet baby. I can't wait to get home and kiss my smooky on her (whispered). Should we go out tonight, my more random nonsense words? I want to show off my love dove.

Argh! Shut up, shut up, shut up! Adults should not be talking like this to other adults. It is sick and wrong and it drives me absolutely insane. I'm so happy that you two have found each other and are in love and the world is your oyster but I've got to tell you, if you keep it up, I'm going to hunt down your love dove and pluck all of her feathers. Got it?

Although, I have to admit, a few weeks ago, he was talking to her and I softly released a small tone of frustration that he may or may not have overheard (okay, I actually said "Argh" quite loudly but then pretended I had read something annoying). The few times he's been in here when I'm blogging, he's been a bit more quiet. Maybe what the world needs is for me to scream "Argh" more often. What do you think, world?

*The fork reference is from when Beth, Keem, Matt and I are at Perkins and loud drunk people surround us. There was a night when Beth had to take my fork away from me because she was worried about the guy sitting behind us. Apparently, I was clutching it a little tightly and making vague stabbing motions. So now, when anyone annoys me, I ask for a fork. She won't give me one.**

**Well, there was the one time when the guys behind us were so annoying that she said she would have given me a fork if she had one...***

***I'm really not insane. I threaten to fork people but I don't think I'd ever really do it. Don't be afraid, people of the internet. I won't hurt you.

These are a few of my favorite things..

2004-08-16T09:08:00.000-07:00

I love my job. Truly, I do. My favorite part is the oddest requests or expectations from customers and non-customers alike. My favorite call is from Third Parties. They always assume that we will do anything for them because they are a business. Yeah, that makes me want to help you and go against company policy.

The most common is funds verification. Nope. Can't do it. What they don't realize is that this is not the age of video phones. I know that it is possible, but it is certainly not common. You can tell me that you are from Customer Service From Hell, but I have no way to verify that. "I call to verify this with other banks, why are you the only one that doesn't?" Because we are smarter than all the rest? If I were to do that, and the caller is trying to obtain information about the account for fraudulent use, that would be wrong. They could call with a dummy check number and amount. They keep increasing the amount until we say no. Anyone care to guess at what they now have a general idea about once we do say no? That's right. They now know approximately how much is in the account. Kinda stupid to verify funds, don't you think? The sad part is, more banks will actually verify funds than verify paid items. Since you have to know the check number, dollar amount, account number and maker name that would be more secure. Hmmm....something to think about.

My favorites include a merchant calling to tell us that they found the customer's card and they want us to call them and tell them that they have their card (they do this for checks too...). Unfortunately, I am unable to do this. Security purposes and all that. I understand why they want us to call, however, it just isn't something we are able to do. I also love the third party calls where they say that the customer has given authorization to discuss their account. Why on earth would you have your wife/husband balance your account and then not put them on the account as well? They already have your account information and probably know where you keep your checks or atm card anyway. It's not like I can give them information. And then they argue with you because they can't get the information. HELLO.....what in...you are not a signer on the account did you not understand? This is real money. Not a credit account. Credit accounts have lower risk. It doesn't tie up the funds in your deposit account. If I can release the information to you, I will, but please don't yell at me and expect me to give you information that you are not authorized to have. It will get you nowhere.

Merchants also expect us to be their message service as well.

Ignorant Merchant (IM): My office didn't get some required information from a customer of yours. Here's the account number we have. Call them for me and tell them to call us back.
K: Unfortunately, I am unable to call the customer and request that they call you. The bank is not your message service. Call them yourself and hold your employees accountable for what they didn't get that was required. (I am thinking this, of course)
IM: Aren't you willing to go the extra mile and contact your customer?
K: Since this isn't a bank issue, I am unable to contact the customer on your behalf. Why would I call the customer and go the extra mile for something that you didn't do in the first place? Take responsibility and do it yourself. I am not a message service, nor a researcher for your business. I do not work for you!
IM: Then let me talk to your supervisor! (Keep in mind that she escalated to me on this as well.)

Does she really think that she'll get anywhere with this? I'm happy to go the extra mile for our customers, but if you aren't a customer and you screw up, deal with it yourself and take responsibility for your own screw-ups.

I also love it when you cannot identify a customer. They always say that they understand the security of asking for whatever information we ask for, but if you understand, then why must you argue? If you don't have the information we need to identify you, accept it and call us back with what we need. I don't have the power to see what you look like even if you can fax me a copy of your driver's liscense and I don't think that the bank will pay me to drive to your house and verify it.

One of the reasons to use Godzilla's name in vain

2004-08-13T18:44:00.000-07:00

This is the post I was talking about Green Duckies. This is an example of the type of behavior that can make me want to smush someone!

Occasionally I get an escalated call that I'm really glad that the customer finally asked for a supervisor. This is because they have a legitimate problem but unfortunately, the people they have spoken to have no clue how to resolve the situation and, instead, make it worse.

For example, I present the tale of Ms. Justifiably Pissed Off (JPO).

My phone rings. I blithely go to answer the phone, unaware of the horror I am to be presented with. It is my least favorite banker at NABABNA. It's not that he's not a nice guy but he has worked at NABABNA for at least two years and he has absolutely no clue how to do anything. Anything! And, worst of all, he keeps calling me ma'am. I hate that. We're co-workers, damn it. I see you all the time. I just told you my name ten seconds ago. Stop calling me ma'am (Okay, calming down now)! I'm sure he means it as a sign of respect but it just makes me feel as though he really has no clue as to who I am.

Anyway, I answer the phone. Sorry, got distracted on vant about being called ma'am. Do I really have to explain about the italics?

Reckless Ma'am (RM): Hello, ma'am, this is Reckless Ma'am. I have an escalated call. The customer is very upset over some items that have debited her account. I have already filed the research. I have really no idea what this woman wants. She has spent a good 15 minutes explaining everything to me but I wasn't paying attention. And, even though I filed research, I did it wrong. And I am going to apply for a lot of different positions but I'll be turned down each time because I haven't taken the time to figure out how to do my own job.
DM: Okay, RM, I'll be happy to talk to her (Banker introduces me to customer). Hello, Ms. JPO, my name is Dana and I'd be happy to help you today. RM has explained that you're upset over the items that posted to your account. Is that correct?
JPO: Well, yes, but there's a lot more (Keep in mind that I have only been told one thing. The customer has explained this to RM already but he decided to give me the least amount of information. So when I start talking to her, I sound like an idiot. Thanks, RM).

The customer then informs me that she had gone to the branch a month ago because she was concerned about getting fees in her savings account and thought she should close it. While there, the personal banker talked her into opening up a new checking account, getting a check card and, this is the thing that just kills me, using her savings account for overdraft protection. Overdraft protection from the savings account is something that many banks offer, with a fee. A fee. So, here the customer has gone in and said "Hey, I don't want to get any fees. How do I stop that?" And the personal banker says "Hey, I hear what you said but I didn't care. How about I set you up with something that's going to cause you even more fees? But I won't tell you that there are fees. So you'll call the call center and be really ticked off with them. How does that sound?" About midway through the customer's justifiable rant about how NABABNA has screwed her over, I interrupt her. And, no, I normally don't do this. But she was getting very angry about how she had been treated and I've had customers go over everything they were upset about and then hang up, before I can help them. Once you hang up, I can't do anything with your account. So I interrupted.

DM: Wait, wait a second. You told the personal banker you wanted to avoid fees?
JPO: Yes.
DM: And she set you up for overdraft protection?
JPO: Yes.
DM: Well, that makes absolutely no sense. Did she tell you about the fee for that?
JPO: There's a fee?
DM: Well, that answers my question.

Now, all of these fees were disclosed to her when she first opened up her account in a pamplet that is provided to all customers. However, in my mind, if you go to someone and say "Hey, I don't want to pay fees," then it is their job to make sure you are aware of any charges that might be applied to the account. We were able to determine that between her savings and checking account, she had over $300 in charges. All that could have been avoided if people would have listened to her. This customer was planning on paying her negative balance and closing her account. I was able to help her. I was able to give her information and advice about managing a checkbook, advice she really needed because she'd never had a checking account before.

I love working for NABABNA, especially when I get calls like this, where I can really help someone understand what banking is all about, when I can correct wrongs, when I can make a difference. The memory of this call keeps me going when I have someone screaming at me because they wrote a $500 check off an account with a $200 balance and they don't get why we charged them a fee for it.

"It's not my fault the check was returned, it's NABABNA's."

2004-08-13T06:15:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I took a call from a banker who told me his customer was very upset and wanted to speak to a supervisor. This is nothing new, I'm used to this. And then I was introduced to Ms. Ima Victim (IV).

DM: Thank you for holding, Ms. Victim. My name is Dana and I am a supervisor. John explained to me that you are calling about the insufficient funds charge (IFC) on your account?
IV: Yes.
DM: How may I help you with this today?
IV: You charged me twice.
DM: Yes, I am showing that you have had two seperate IFC's on your account.
IV: You can't do that!
DM: I'm sorry, I'm not sure I understand. I show that your account became overdrawn and that caused checks to be returned.
IV: I know that. That's not the problem.
DM: Why don't you explain the problem to me?
IV: It's the same check! You're charging me an IFC for the same check! You can't do that.
DM: Ah, I see the situation. I show that check 1234 presented to your account on August 2nd and the funds were not available for it. The check was returned and later presented again on August 8th. The funds were still not available for the check and so it was returned to the merchant a 2nd time. You were assessed an IFC for each item.
IV: It's the same check number! It's illegal for you to charge me twice for the same check!
DM: Unfortunately, that's not the case, Ms. Victim. If a check is presented to your account and returned for insufficent funds, there will be a fee assessed to the account, regardless of the check number.
IV: Well, why did you let it go through again?
DM: Actually, the merchant would have submitted the item for payment, Ms. Victim.
IV: You can't do this! Ever since I started banking with NABABNA, I've had problems. I wouldn't have left Bank of Bank but I moved. You people suck. (Again with the you people)
DM: I'm sorry you've been having problems. Let's take a look at the account. Has everything come through your account for the right dollar amount?
IV: Yes.
DM: When you wrote the check, did you have funds available in your account?
IV: No.
DM: So you wrote the check, knowing you didn't have funds in your account and yet, you don't think you should be charged for the IFC?
IV: No, you're not listening. I should pay one of them but not both because it's the same check number! You can't charge me twice for the same check. I'll only pay one charge.
DM: Actually, charges are not assessed based on check number, they are based on each item. If an item debits your account multiple times and there are not funds available, you can receive either overdraft fees or IFCs.
IV: I'm going to close my account if you don't reverse this charge!
DM: I'm sorry, Ms. Victim, I am unable to reverse the charge, it is not the result of bank error.

So let's review, shall we? I looked at Ms. Victim's account. Yesterday was August 12th. The account was opened on July 5th. Her account had been opened barely a month and she had an item returned not once, but twice. And who's fault was it? Was it Ms. Victim's fault because she wrote a check when she didn't have any money? Of course not. It was NABABNA's fault because we charged her for her error. Evil NABABNA. Scourge of the Seven Seas.

This is what is wrong with our country. You have people who overdraw their account and then blame everyone but themselves. I come across websites everyday where someone is complaining about whatever bank they bank with because they screwed up and the mean old bank wants to charge them for it. Well, hello, people. You made a mistake. Learn to accept the consequences. It's not like we're saying "Hey, everytime you overdraw your account, we are going to have you flogged." You signed an agreement saying you would be responsible. You weren't. End of story.

Where's my 20 dollars?

2004-08-11T14:08:00.000-07:00

Back when I was working at Major's Department Store, I became friends with a guy named Jake. He used to have some of the oddest customers and this became one of my favorite stories. So I've decided to share it with you, changing his name and the store's name. I will be making the occasional remark, in italics.

Jake was working the Customer Service desk one day when this customer, Stupid Brainless Woman (SBW) came up and wanted to make a payment to her Major's credit card. Jake was happy to assist her with that.

J: I'd be happy to help you make a payment to your Major's credit card. I am showing you have a balance of $800.00 today. How much would you like to pay towards the balance?
SBW: I would like to payoff the balance today.
J: Wonderful. How would you like to make your payment? Will that be cash or check (notice that he only gives her these two options. That's because these are the only two options)?
SBW: No. Visa.
J: I'm sorry, I can't accept a Visa card to make a payment to your Major's card. I can only accept cash or a check. Which would you prefer to use?
SBW: Visa.
J: I'm sorry, ma'am, I can only accept cash or check.
SBW: Well, I want to use my Visa. You should let me use my Visa.
J: I'm sorry, ma'am, but I can't process the request for you using a Visa card. However, I have a suggestion for you. You do have the option of making a cash advance from your credit card. If you were to visit a branch, you could make a withdrawal from the credit card and then pay your Major's card by using cash.
SBW: That's a good idea. Where's an ATM machine?
J: Well, there are five different banks outside of the mall. You could visit one of those (there was an ATM in the mall, however, Jake was thinking she would actually go inside a bank and request a cash advance) and ask a teller to process an advance from your card. You can also use an ATM if you wish.
SBW: Okay, I'll be back.

About twenty to thirty minutes go by. The customer returns.
J: Ah, Ms. Stupid Brainless Woman, how nice to see you again. Were you able to make a cash advance?
SBW: Yes, I was.
J: Wonderful. Did you still want to pay the full balance on your Major's charge?
SBW: Yes. Here.
She hands him a stack of twenty dollar bills. Jake starts counting them.
J: Ms. Stupid Brainless Woman, you have given me $200. Is that correct?
SBW: Yes.
J: Your entire balance is $800. Will you be writing a check for the remainder of the balance?
SBW: No.
J: How would you like to pay the remainder of the balance (Right now, Jake has not yet grasped the idea of how stupid and brainless this woman is. He honestly thinks that she might actually have $600 in cash on her. Silly Jake)
SBW: No. I'd like to use my Visa. (It is here that I like to imagine Jake staring at her while crickets make that cricket sound they do. There is a bit of a pause (Oh, five cricket chirps)) Is there a problem?
J: Unfortunately, ma'am, I am unable to use a Visa to make a payment to a Major's credit card. I can only accept cash or a check. Would you like to use either of those?
SBW: Well, you told me I could withdraw cash and use the cash and I did. Why won't you help me? All I want to do is pay my credit card off.
J: You're right, ma'am, I did make that suggestion. However, I thought that you would make a cash advance for the entire amount of $800. I apologize for not suggesting you do so (I apologize for assuming you had a brain). Perhaps you would like to make another advance?
SBW: I suppose. I'll be back.
J: Would you like to take your $200 back?
SBW: No. You hold on to it.
And she's off. Jake is worried that she will accuse him of trying to take her money so he makes sure he marks it with her name and card number and puts it on the rear counter.

Another twenty to thirty minutes go by. Jake looks up and there is the customer.
J: Welcome back. How did the transaction go?
SBW: Great.
She hands him another stack of twenties. Jake counts it. He looks up at her.
J: Ma'am, this is $200. This brings your total to $400.
SBW: I know.
J: Your balance is $800. Did you still want to pay off the entire credit card?
SBW: Yes (Annoyed, sarcastic yes. If you have seen In and Out, it's the same yes that Kevin Kline does when the tape asks him if he's a man). What is the problem?
J: And how did you want to pay off the remainder of the card?
SBW: I want to use my Visa (Jake is staring at her now with the universally recognized "You're kidding, right?" look on his face). What?
J: I'm sorry, I just wanted to make sure I understood. You wish to use your Visa. I have explained that I can't accept a payment to a Major's credit card from a Visa card, haven't I (He wasn't being sarcastic at this point, he seriously thought maybe he hadn't explained it to her)?
SBW: Yes, but I want to use my Visa and you told me I could do a cash advance.
J: Yes, I do remember telling you that a cash advance could be done. I thought I made it clear that you should do the advance for the entire $800. I apologize if that wasn't clear.
SBW: Whatever. I'll be back.
And she leaves again. Jake includes the $200 she just gave him in the bundle of $20's he already has.

An hour passes. Jake goes to lunch, hoping that she will come back and someone else will get to deal with her. No such luck. He comes back from lunch and there she is, tapping her foot.
J: Ms. Stupid Brainless Woman. How lovely to see you again (yes, he was being sarcastic. No, she couldn't tell).
SBW: I've been waiting five whole minutes for you to come back.
J: I'm sorry, I had gone to lunch. How rude of me not to be here when you returned. Didn't anyone else offer to help you?
SBW: Yes but I didn't want them. I wanted to talk to you.
J: I feel very special. Well, let's get that Major's card paid off. Did you do a cash advance?
SBW: Yes, I did.
J: Wonderful.
SBW: Here is the money.
She hands him another stack of twenties. Jake counts the money.
J: Ms. Stupid Brainless Woman, this is $180. Were you still planning on paying off the entire card balance?
SBW: Well, of course I was. Haven't we established that yet?
J: Right you are. And how were you going to pay off the remainder of the balance.
SBW: With my Visa.

Yes. She said it again. Jake is floored. He cannot believe anyone could be this stupid. In his frustration, he makes the biggest customer service mistake you can make...he lets the customer see that he is frustrated. He places both hands on the counter and looks up at the ceiling in an exaggerated, why God are you torturing me, slow motion kind of way.

SBW: Why are you doing that? Why are you looking at the ceiling that way? You think I'm stupid!
J: Oh, no, Ms. Stupid Brainless Woman, I don't think you're stupid. I am just frustrated because we are obviously having a communications breakdown (Nice cover, Jake). I really want to help you make your payment but I don't know how to make you understand that you cannot use your Visa to make the payment.
SBW: But I've gone to the ATM 3 times! And I have given you $600. What's the problem?
J: I understand that you've gone to the ATM 3 times, however, you've only provided me with $580.
SBW: No, I haven't. I gave you $600. I have my receipts right here (She pulls out her ATM receipts. Because that's so going to prove that she gave him $600). Look! Look! 3 receipts. $600!
J: Ma'am, I have the money right here. This last time, you only gave me $180.
SBW: No, I didn't. You stole my twenty dollars! I want my money back!
J: Ma'am. You watched me count the money. I have had it in front of you the entire time.
SBW: Stop talking, you thief! I want my twenty dollars!
J: Ma'am, if you would like, I can certainly ask the store manager to show you the tape of our entire transaction.
SBW: Well, if you didn't take the money, what did I do with my twenty?
J: I don't know ma'am, you were gone for awhile this last time. Did you go to lunch?
SBW: Oh (her face lights up. The proverbial light bulb is shining on her stupid brainless face)! I know what I did! I put it in my gas tank.

It is always at this point of the story that Jake would say " I seriously think she actually took the money, opened up her gas tank and put the money inside. I bet if they drained her gas tank, they would find a ton of money in there. She was that stupid."

J: Well, I'm glad we cleared that up. Now, we have $580 here. The card balance is $800. If you subtract $580 from $800, you have a total of $220 remaining. How do you want to pay this balance? Will you write a check?
SBW: No. I want you to use my Visa (You must admire Jake's restraint. A lesser man might have bludgeoned her to death with her Visa card). I am the customer and the customer is always right. Do I have to speak to your manager?
J: Hold on a moment (He has had it. He is about to lose control and he doesn't think he likes it. He grabs the phone and dials Visa).
Visa Operator (Bob): Thank you for calling Visa. This is Bob. How can I help you?
J: Bob, this is Jake Blahblahblah from Major's Department Store. I have a situation here. Our mutual customer, Ms. Stupid Brainless Woman, would like to pay off her Major's credit card using her Visa card. I would like you to help me resolve this situation for the customer.
Bob: Are you crazy? You can't do that. You can't use a credit card to pay off a credit card.
J: Yes, Bob, I am aware that you cannot use a credit card to pay off another credit card. However, Ms. Stupid Brainless Woman is insistent that I perform this transaction.
Bob: She's standing right there, isn't she?
J: Yes.
Bob: She's an idiot, isn't she?
J: Yes, Bob, that is correct.
Bob: God, I hate these people. All right, let's see what we can do.

Bob, pulling some miracle out of thin air, is able to run the transaction through for Jake. The stupid brainless woman who has caused all of this trouble does not even have the decency to thank Jake for all of his hard work. She actually looks him straight in the eye and says "I told you I could do it."

Jake does not kill her but just smiles and tells her he was glad to help her. She then takes her Major's card out of her wallet and says "Now I'm going to go shopping and use my Major's card and my husband will never know I did it."

Okay, like your husband isn't going to notice the 3 cash advances at the ATM with the 3 seperate cash advance fees and the $220 charge on the Visa? Is your husband blind? Is he just stupid? I think I just answered my question.

Until next time, readers, in which I will regale you with other stories of morons.

Get my name right, dammit!

2004-08-11T09:05:00.000-07:00

Many years ago I was working as a cashier for a major department store (Let's just call them Major's because they are still around and I will post about them later. Morons don't just bank. They shop as well.) I am wearing a name tag that has been carefully engraved with my name, Dana. I am at my station, ringing up customers. Ah, here comes a nice elderly couple. I begin to ring up the purchases. The gentleman smiles at me and says "They spelled your name wrong." I smile back at him and think "What?" I finish ringing up and, as they are walking away, the guy says "See you later, Diana."

I really, really wanted to say "Oh, thank you, sir! I am so stupid that I didn't realize that an I was left out of my name. What would I do without your keen observation skills?" Come on, people. Dana is not that uncommon of a name and yet, no one can seem to get it right. It is not Diana, Diane, Deanna, Deanne, Danna or Donna.

I actually had a teacher in junior high call me Donna for half the year. But she spoke so softly I just figured I was hearing her wrong. And then one day I asked for a pass to the nurse and there it was in bold writing, Donna V...... This is not my name. My name is not Donna. It's Dana. Repeat after me. Day. Nuh. Dana.

I even tried adding a Y to my first name. I thought "Hey, I bet if I spelled my name Dayna, people would get it." I was wrong. That just added to the confusion. Some people would call me Dayney. I thought about having it changed but my Mom wasn't thrilled with the idea. About ten years ago, I decided to try shortening my name to DM (Dee. Em. What is so hard about that?) I figured that if there were only two letters, no one could get it wrong, right? Hahahaha. I was so naive. I thought about spelling DM out like Diem (as in Carpe Diem?), no one got it.

It's Dana. Or Dana Marie, if you prefer. I like DM. It's short and to the point. My initials are DMV so, if you are so inclined, you can even refer to me as the Department of Motor Vehicles. Just don't call me Diana.

A Drawer Full of Stories

2004-08-07T20:28:00.000-07:00

Paperwork can sometimes be an inspiration. I was cleaning up my desk at work and came across a file of situations that were too unique to put aside forever. Sometimes they were customers I spent a long time talking to, sometimes the files in here are for customers with massive amounts of fraud or extremely complex situations, and then, sometimes the customers just say things that are, in a word, INSANE. There are quite a few different situations listed here and they are all a little bit different. Enjoy!

The first file I ran across tonight was for a woman I spoke to over 3 1/2 years ago. I will always remember her. Especially since she didn't actually bank with NABABNA, but thought she did. She never opened an account, never made deposits, never had any type of card for her non-existent accounts, but she BELIEVED that she might bank with us. I tried desperately to help her. The best part of the conversation is as follows:

Disenchanted Woman (DW): I need proof of my deposits into your bank.
B (me!): I am more than happy to help you if in fact you did actually bank with us. I'm trying to find any information about you in our systems. What is your Social Security number?
DW: 123-45-6789 (it was different than this, but I can't release information like that).
B: I tried that number and nothing pulls up.
DW: Well, that's my fake Social Security number. Of course you won't find anything.
B: Then why did you provide that number to me?
DW: In case you had it.
B: What is your real Social Security number?
DW: I'm not giving that out. I hate 60 Minutes. You know, the TV show. I hate it. And that dog for the RCA commercials.
B: Why won't you give our your Social Security number so I can see if you actually banked with us? I'm sorry that you don't like the dog on RCA commercials and that you don't like 60 Minutes.
DW: I was beat up by the Secret Service at LAX. They were looking for a white collar case. They strip-searched me. Then the police in Texas beat me up at the bank. The campus police beat me up and there's a statute of limitation.
B: I'm sorry to hear that. Police don't just beat people up. I know this is hard to believe, but they don't just walk around and start hitting people. What did you do?
DW: Those people at the bank were mean to me and made the police beat me up.
B: My experience is that the branch will call the police if there is a problem, but they don't ask the police to beat people up. What happened?
DW: I'm not talking about that. Do you have my information?
B: No, I would like to look with your real Social Security number.
DW: I'm not giving you that. How come you can't find my information?
B: As of this time, you've provided me with your first name and a fake Social Security number. You said you might have banked with us sometime over 5 years ago, but you're not sure. Do you have any information I can look you up by?
DW: I spoke to Jackie 3 years ago. She works for another company.
B: What?
DW: I called you because I want to talk to your head office.
B: But the head office is no where near here.
DW: Well, then I can talk to you.
B: Okay, about what exactly?
DW: About Wal-Mart of course.
B: Did Wal-Mart do something to your account?
DW: No.
B: Then there's no reason to talk to the bank about Wal-Mart.

Well, needless to say, this woman went on for over 2 hours about random things. She's been beaten up by many different law enforcement officers apparently and she never did actually bank with us. I'm still trying to figure out why a person would have a fake Social Security number. And why they would give it out when they haven't used it before.

When there is a problem (real or perceived), it is always more efficient to be helpful and polite to the representative helping you. Being difficult when a representative says they will help you only wastes your time.

One night I spoke with a gentleman who was not happy with the price of checks. Here's the deal, we don't really come up with the prices. An outside vendor prints our checks and for the quality of the checks, the price is worth it.

The guy had been a great customer so I told him I would reverse the fee for the checks as an exception. That's right, I told him he didn't have to pay. I gave him his request. Was he happy?

It would not be a good story if he was. I asked the gentleman for his phone number to complete the request. He spent 40, that's right folks, 40 minutes telling me that he would not give me his phone number. He said I already had it and that he didn't need to give it out. Unfortunately, if there is a problem and I need to call him back, I need him to actually tell me the number. I explained, politely, that I would be unable to reverse the fee without the phone number. He still wouldn't verify the number.

What does he start on now? He starts complaining about inflation and that the bank should give him an interest-free loan because the United States of America has inflation. Okay, let's break this down. Inflation is a fact of life. Alan Greenspan works very hard with interest rates trying to keep our economy alive and trying to keep inflation from rising. Money does lose value. This is a fact of life. All people have to deal with inflation. This is not his own personal problem.

Here's the other thing, loans are not interest free. The cost of using someone else's money is expensive and that is where interest comes in. Since you are borrowing the money from someone, they are unable to use it. That means the bank (or individual) cannot spend those funds on products/services, or invest the funds somewhere else. Interest-free loans do not happen.

So, the guy finally gives me his phone number. And then he asks for compensation for the last forty minutes of his time. At this point, I explained that I asked him forty minutes ago for his phone number and it was his choice to make the phone call last as long as it did. Sad to say, the customer was not pleased with the fact I wouldn't give him free money. I gave him free checks and I still don't understand his problem.

Automated Teller Machines

In this day and age, technology is jumping forward in leaps and bounds. You can use a card to access your account pretty much any time of day. Unfortunately, some people don't understand how to use an ATM. Here are some brief calls we've received at NABABNA about the ATM transactions:

Really, really drunk man (RRDM): Your machine wouldn't give me money! I gotta pay my tab.

Me: I'm happy to help. Let's troubleshoot the problem. Where in the transaction did the machine deny the transaction?

RRDM: It didn't work and didn't give me money.

Me: Did you get a message before or after you put in your personal identification number?

RRDM: Before.

Me: Okay, so you put your card in the machine and it denied the transaction right then?

RRDM: You have to put your card in the machine?

No, the machine is psychic. You can just walk up and it starts spitting money at you. What? Please, please tell me you have a designated driver.

Mr. Fix-It (FI): I have a problem.

Me: I'd like to help you out. What happened?

FI: Well, I went to the ATM to make a deposit and I put the envelope with my check in the card slot.

Me: How did you make it fit? And it's stuck now?

FI: Yes. I need my deposit.

Me: I can file a claim and call our support area to report the broken machine.

FI: Well, I went home and got the pliers, but I still can't get the envelope back out.

Me: Um, let me file the claim and in the future, please don't try to open an ATM without being a bank employee.

Whinny Woman (WW): My deposit is missing.

Me: How did you make the deposit?

WW: Well, I didn't really make it.

Me: How is it missing then?

WW: On the way to the ATM, I dropped my check in the crack.

Me: In the sidewalk?

Turns out, the woman didn't drop the check. She forced it into the slot between the machine and the wall because she somehow thought that's where it went. Then she realized that there's a spot for deposits and it's actually on the machine.

And technology has gone too far. There are now machines that have options for visually impaired individuals, which is a great thing. These customers have headphones and can listen to the machine if they have troubles seeing the screen. Here's the guy who picked this option and should not have:

Mr. I-Can't-Handle-My-Money (ICHMM): I used one of those speaking machines and it embarrassed me!

Me: I'm sorry about that sir. Did you use the headphones?

ICHMM: No. I'm not blind.

Me: Okay. Why did you select the talking option?

ICHMM: I wanted to see what happened.

Me: The machine talked to you then?

ICHMM: Yes, it took my card and this computer voice loudly stated, "Your card has been detained!" I'm so embarrassed. I want my card back.

Me: Unfortunately, your account was not handled properly and the card is ultimately the property of the bank. I am unable to get you a new card.

ICHMM: Your card has been detained! Your card has been detained! (Yes, he kept imitating the computer voice) I hate you people! Your card has been detained! Dial tone.....

Back to silly calls that don't involve ATMs:

This call was from a man (Would Benefit from Anger Management (WBFAM)) whose account was closed due to threats at the bank.

Me: Thank you for holding Mr. WBFAM. My name is Beth. How can I help you?

WBFAM: That's a weird name for a girl. Your name is really strange.

Long pause. This is me sitting is stunned silence. Maybe I'm biased, but Beth is not an unusual name. It's not as common as Jennifer or Kim, but it's not unusual. Whatever.

Me: How can I help you?

WBFAM: The people at your bank followed all the regulations passed by Congress and I'm pissed off.

Me: I want to understand. You are upset that the bank employees followed the law?

WBFAM: Yes. I wanted to do a whole bunch of investment fraud and they wouldn't let me.

Me: The bank wouldn't let you commit fraud and this upsets you?

WBFAM: I'm going to give your company $100,000 in bad publicity because you followed the law! These are bogus laws!

Me: Sir, if you do not agree with the laws passed by the Federal government, I suggest speaking with your Congressman or an attorney.

WBFAM: The line in the bank was too long. There were 100 people in line and only two people working. There were two people on break. I was in line for an hour and fifteen minutes!

This is where he hung up. Here's the question I have. How is it bad publicity to have a customer go to the press stating the bank did not break the law? Also, how would he know if two people were on break if they weren't in the bank? I've worked in branches before. I've never seen 100 people in line. I don't think I've ever seen a line that lasted more than 10 minutes.

Here's another long line story (that I will honestly say I don't believe):

Insane Woman (IW): I went to the bank. I was in line for over an hour. The line was so long, I had to take a taxi to get through it. (What? How do you take a taxi inside a bank?) While I was getting into the taxi, someone ran over my suitcase! Can you believe that? Someone ran over my suitcase! (Why, why, why did you bring a suitcase to the bank? What is the purpose of that? It's not like you can camp there. No one goes, hey, I'm on vacation, I think I'll check out a room at the bank and sightsee. What was this woman on?)

And finally, one of the scariest calls I've ever received. I didn't actually get to talk during this call, the gentleman just started on a rant and then hung up. This call did involve contacting security and the shut down of this person's account. Believe me, threatening the lives of bank employees, other customers, or yourself is not something that is taken lightly by the bank. Here's the call:

Upset man: I'm bi-polar and my medication makes me tired. I fell asleep on the bus and someone stole my ATM card. I want to get the money from my account but I don't have a card and the nearest bank is over 3 hours away. I want to have my money now and you need to give it to me. I'm going to write to Reader's Digest and expose NABABNA for following the rules. I lived in DC with this guy before who took advantage of me because of my mental illness. I left there and moved in with this woman in [deleted state] who I thought I loved but she also took advantage of me and laughed at me. She stole my money and she had another guy move in and he wears my clothes. I spent last night at a homeless shelter and I haven't had an address for three months now but your employees should track me down and give me my statements. I am going to kill someone at your bank if you don't get me my money right now.

And that's when he hung up. All of this was over $12. That's right. Twelve dollars. He was serious that the bank should be able to make twelve dollars appear in his hands immediately. Luckily, the man was three hours away from the nearest branch but we still took all precautions. People like this scare me. Threatening others is not something that is beneficial or allowed. My advice to him (and many others that we've dealt with at work) is to think before you speak.

This is a bank. Not a 900 number.

2004-08-07T19:56:00.000-07:00

On occasion, I have answered the phone to have a slightly hysterical banker on the line. The banker is hysterical because their customer has turned a simple transaction, such as getting a balance, into dialogue for a pornographic movie.

Now, the sad thing about this is that, dude, we're your bank. We have your account information, we have your name and we know where you live. Why, why would you call us when there are so many other places you could call anonymously? Hey, I've got an idea. Next time, skip the bank. Call the police and start harassing them. Avoid the middle man. Because, you moron, do you really think we're going to just sit there and say "Oh, yes, sir, it's so sexy when you say those words to me. What a turn on!" If you do, you are dumber than we already think.

Here are just some examples of things people will say (my remarks are in italics, as usual):

"Can you go through my account? I want to know all of the checks that have cleared my account in the last 90 days." Banker begins reading information off to customer. "Oh, yeah. Would you read that slower? Ooh." Banker hears noises that you don't normally hear during a phone call. Sounds involving lotion and friction. Then there's a low moan. "Okay, thanks. You can stop now. You've been very helpful." Can I just say "Eew?"
"You have an accent. What nationality are you?" Banker informs the customer that she is Chinese. "Ooh, are you a hot Chinese chick? You suckee long time?" Oh, yes, let's meet now! I'm so turned on by your stereotypical remark that I can't wait to meet you!
Sometimes the customer gets really intelligent and starts mentioning random words such as "P*ssy" or "C*ck." Oh, mister, I love animals as well. Let's have some barnyard fun. I'll call you Jackass.
"What is your name? How do you spell that? Is that S as in Sex?" Yes, sir, that's exactly what my mother had in mind when she named me.
"You are really nice. May I have your phone number so I can have my son call you? He needs to date a nice girl. If he did, maybe he'd get a job and move out of the house. You know, I was just telling my friends the other day that what I was really looking for was an unemployed guy who lives with his parents. That's my Prince Charming!
When the banker ignores the customer's inappropriate remarks and tries to keep the call on a professional level, the customer says "Oh, I'm sorry. Don't be mad at me. I'm being a dick. I'm a big dick." Sounds like someone thinks a bit highly about themselves...if you were such a big dick, maybe you could find an actual date?
The customer has called in and filed five separate research tickets. On the same item. In one hour. Turned out that he was calling in for other reasons which were revealed when he started moaning when a banker started reading off a reference number. It turned out that this customer called in 30 times a day. Yes, sir, reference numbers make me hot as well. Let's read it together...12345678. Oh, baby, oh baby, oh. You stud.

About 15 years ago, I used to work for this submarine shop. Now, this, perverts of America, is the type of place you want to call. You can just dial a random number and harass away (please, please don't take me seriously. Calls can be traced, it is illegal to make obscene and harassing phone calls, just go and buy yourself some porn, okay?). We used to get calls every night, on the hour. I will never forget my first night.

The phone rings. I answer the phone.

DM: Thank you for calling The Sub Shop. This is Dana, may I take your order?
Ham Sandwich Guy (Ham): Yes, I would like to visit your fine establishment and partake of a submarine sandwich.
DM: Wonderful, sir. We'd be happy to have you visit us tonight.
Ham: But wait, before I can come down there, I must ask you a question.
DM: Okay.
Ham: What type of ham sandwiches do you have?
DM: Why we have a ham and cheese submarine sandwich, a Hot Ham and Cheese sandwich and also a ham salad sandwich.
Ham: My, those sound yummy (swear to God, this is how this guy talked).
DM: Yes, they are very good. May I start an order for you?
Ham: Oh, well, before I can visit you, I must ask you. Do you have any girls working there tonight with long hair?
DM: Um, actually, we all have long hair, sir. But we do wear hair nets (and really exciting brown derby hats as well).
Ham: Oh, no. I'm afraid of women with long hair.
DM: What?
Ham: Oh, but, I might be able to get over my fear. Are any of you wearing sweaters?
DM: It's January. In Minnesota (and our owner is too cheap to get the heating fixed). Yes, we are wearing sweaters.
Ham: Oh, that's too bad. I'm afraid of women with long hair but I'm terrified of women with long hair in sweaters. I won't be able to come in tonight. Goodbye.

I just stand there, staring blankly at the phone. The assistant manager walks by. "What's wrong?" she asks. I start my sentence with "I just got the weirdest call about ham sandwiches" and she starts laughing. And then tells me he's relatively harmless. It's the other ones I have to watch out for.

And she's right. While working there, I was flashed, propositioned, threatened, learned how to ask someone to go to bed with me in French and had a fairly interesting time. The obscene phone calls came nightly. You learned how to deal with them and just went on with your life. Because the owner was too cheap to put a trace on the phone as well.

Here's another fairly memorable example:

DM: Thank you for calling The Sub Shop. This is Dana, may I take your order?
Random Pervert (RP): What type of hot sandwiches do you have?
DM: I'd be happy to help you with that, sir. We offer a Hot Ham and Cheese, a Meatball Sub, a really weird sandwich with black and green olives (don't remember the name of the sub).
RP: Oh, well, I have a really hot and juicy Italian sausage I'd like to sell you. Are you interested in hot and juicy Italian sausages?
DM (tired and cranky and I have 8 real customers in the store): I'm sorry, sir. But all orders must be placed through the office. Here is their number. Maybe they will be interested in your hot and juicy Italian sausage.

I hang up the phone. I walk back up front to wait on my actual customers. And every single one of them is looking at me dumbfounded. We all have a good laugh at the random pervert's expense. And this really nice guy answered the phone for the next 15 minutes because random pervert was ticked off and kept calling back. Finally, the really nice guy introduced himself to random pervert. "Yes, sir, this is Officer Mike Johnson from the Saint Paul Police Department. Please stop calling or I will have this call traced."

So when you call me and ask me to read your bank information to you slowly, all I have to say is "Honey, I've dealt with better and more creative perverts than you. Get a life. And look into getting a new account, because yours is going to be closed."

Helpful Advice for Home Buyers

2004-08-06T10:34:00.000-07:00

Look, if you're going to buy a house, there's going to be some things you need to know. I don't know much about the whole mortgage thing but, working for NABABNA, there has been some things that I have discovered. And I will give you this list now, because I am a nice person and quite frankly, I am getting sick and tired of people calling me the day before their closing and asking for statements for the last year.

When you approach the mortgage people, ask them exactly what you will need for your closing or any other random things they might want. They will lie. They probably don't mean to lie but they will. They will ask you for some things and tell you that's all they need and, at the very last minute, they will say "Oh, by the way, we need photocopies of a check you wrote 3 years ago. Just for fun, let's say it has to start with the number 5 and be written to a cable company. Because we're just evil bastards." Okay, they probably don't say they are evil bastards. But they are. Trust me on this.

I've never bought a house but, from working in the Call Center for NABABNA, I have come across some odd requests. Here are some things you may want to have on hand before you even go to apply for the mortgage, let alone have a closing date.

Oh, and for the record, it goes without saying that you will need your last 12 statements. And the last 12 rent checks you wrote out. Be smart, ask for photocopies early. Do not be one of these people (This is an example of one of probably 30 calls I have received over this):

DM: I'm sorry, sir, I understand that you are closing today. However, while I would be happy to order your photocopies, I cannot guarantee that you will receive them in one hour.
Time Challenged Moron (TC): But you're my baaaaaannnk (Yes, he actually wailed. I thought I was talking to a 12 year old for a moment)! You have to get me this!
DM: I'm sorry, sir. It is impossible for me to get these photocopies in one hour.
TC: Well, you better! I'm going to lose my house and it will be all your fault!
DM: May I ask, sir, when did you know you would need these photocopies?
TC: Three months ago. Why?
DM: I see. And it didn't occur to you to contact us earlier?
TC: Well, I'm busy! I am a powerful person! I am Zeus, the All-Powerful (okay, remember, italics for the customer are what I think he wants to say, not what he actually did)! Get me my copies! I want you to go to the warehouse and get them!
DM: Sir. It is not possible for me to go to a warehouse and get these copies for you. They are on microfiche and will be retrieved by our Photo Unit. I have placed the order. The request will be completed tomorrow and please allow 3-5 days for delivery.
TC: Do you know who I am? I am going to call So-and-So (names someone I have never heard of but, when I later look up in the employee database, discover he is talking about the District Manager for 3 branches halfway across the country. Ooh. Scary) and have you fired (He hangs up).
DM: Thank you for calling NABABNA, sir. I am sorry I was unable to assist you further.

Here are some of the things your mortgage company might also ask you for, waiting until the last minute:

Copies of checks you wrote to them for earnest money
Copies of checks you wrote to someone to repair the home you are moving out of to prove that you actually did do the repairs
Copies of statements that have your name on it (if you are on a joint account and have known for 2 years that your name is not showing up on the statement but your wife's is, do not call us the day before your closing and ask us to fix it. We can't)

It's not that we don't want to help you. It's just that my magic wand broke and I can't will these things into existence. And it doesn't help when the mortgage company rep gets on the line and starts screaming "Well, you're a bank! You should be able to get this stuff for the customer! They're going to lose the home!" I always want to scream back "Well, you're a mortgage company! You should have told the customer they needed this stuff two months ago! And you don't care if they lose the home, you care that you're going to lose your comission!"

Did you know?

2004-08-04T18:54:00.000-07:00

Did you know that....

Writing a check to yourself from your overdrawn account and then depositing that check into the same account at an atm that that is considered kiting from your own account and your account will be closed? (customer response: Oh, I guess I shouldn't have done that... ya think?)

Statements are sent out by the bank to help you balance your account? (yes, there are people in the world that truly don't know what a statement is)

Just because there is a commercial on TV telling you that if you travel and only bring your check card with you that that doesn't mean the bank can help you if your card is lost or possibly closed without your knowledge? (Unfortunately, your card can be closed at any time and it is only one way to access your account. It is not the bank's fault if you only bring your check card with you as your only means of payment)

That the bank is not 411? (we do not have the number to another bank of your choosing, your local police department, etc.)

If you don't balance your statements for years and there is an unauthorized charge, the bank cannot dispute anything older than 6 months? Here's my conversation with Mr. X:

Mr. X: I just balanced my account statements for the last 9 years. I have unauthorized debits from Company A.
K: Well, Mr. X, I would be happy to file a claim for you. Unfortunately, I would only be able to go back 6 months.
Mr. X: You don't understand! I didn't authorize this charge! I cancelled my subscription 9 years ago. They have no right to take out this money. They have been charging me $50.00 a month for the last 9 years. You are my bank! You have to fix this and get my money back.
K: I would love to help you get all of your money back Mr. X, however, I am unable to dispute anything over 6 months. Why haven't you been balancing your account on a monthly basis?
Mr. X: I don't worry about my account as I have plenty of money. I don't have to balance my account every month. You need to fix this. I want my money back.
K: Well Mr. X, I can file a claim on the last 6 months of transactions that are unauthorized. For anything older than that, please contact Company A.
(at this point the conversation is stuck in a loop)

Moral of this story: Always balance your account and check your statements or you could be out $5,400.00 too.

**all information above based loosely on actual conversation with the customer.

Now to continue on with more fun while working at the convenience store....

I eventually got tired of managing a convenience store and started managing a Tobacco Outlet. That was interesting as I am not even a smoker. Funny thing is that I actually created training material on Cigars to be used in our stores for co-workers to assist customers. Occasionally, I would have a break in in the middle of the night. This isn't specifically what people said, but more what they did.

#1. At one point, the power had gone out in my store, actually the entire neighborhood was without power due to severe weather. I came into work the next day and called the home office about the power outage. They were asking for it by telling me to put a sign on the door saying "Closed due to Power Outage." Keep in mind that there was a security system in the store. It has battery back-up, but it only lasted for 24 hours. Can you imagine what happened? The jerks took a metal cutter and cut around the dead-bolt in the door. Pulled the door free and took merchandise and cigs. Hmmm...think that one might have been a little inviting? I should have put up a sign that says "Battery back-up only lasts 24 hours..come back at midnight if you want to steal anything..you'll be in the clear."

#2. If you are trying to shoplift, don't stand in the middle of the store in plain view and put a carton of cigs in the sleeve of your coat and then deny it when I have it on tape.

#3. If you are going to be intelligent enough to attempt to shoplift, don't make it obvious by walking directly into the shelf to grab some Swisher Sweets and tell me that you have to go outside and talk to your girlfriend. Didn't work did it?

I have to say that it was definitely fun to work there. I'll have to blog the shoplifting and break ins on my other blog. I'm just not doing that fast to irritate Dana. :) Hee hee.

Are you blind?!?!

2004-08-04T17:21:00.000-07:00

The following story is based on actual events. I wouldn't say that it would necessarily warrant calling the people involved morons, however, the customers in the store could very possibly qualify for the title. Prior to working at NABABNA, I worked for a convenience store. The great thing is that I can say anything I want to about it. Trust me, I have tons of material that would fit. I just have to have the time to actually write it. I hope you enjoy the first installment.

Imagine being the manager of this store. It is in a very, very unsafe neighborhood (had I realized it at the time, I probably wouldn't have chosen that particular store). The store had video cameras, however, you weren't able to see the entire store on any given camera. Knowing this, it will explain how this actually happened. If you are going into the back room of the store and find someone (who doesn't actually work there, by the way) in the back room, wouldn't you think it was odd if it happened more than one day in a row? Here's the conversation I had with the manager:

Scott: Keem, you aren't going to believe what happened at my store!
Keem: Well, Scott, considering where the store is located, I'm sure this is going to be good. What happened?
Scott: Okay, so I walked into the back room on Monday and found a customer wandering around back there. I asked him what he was doing and he told me he was looking for the restroom. I didn't really think much of it at the time, but I told him it was on the other side of the store.
Keem: Interesting. Kinda makes it easy for someone to go into the back room when the door doesn't actually lock (but then it's hard when it's a revolving door, I guess).
Scott: On Tuesday I found the same guy in the back room again. I did think it was strange this time. He didn't have a good excuse this time.
Keem: (at this point I'm just trying to figure out what this is leading up to...)
Scott: So imagine my surprise when I came to work yesterday and was shocked to find that the TV was missing from the back room.
Keem: OMG Scott! How could that happen? It's not like we do TV repair or anything. Didn't anyone say anything? Did you see anything on the store video?
Scott: You have to see the video. When you are done at your store, come on by and watch this.
Keem: Okay Scott. I'll be there in a little bit.

At this point, I arrive at the store and am kind of curious how someone could get a TV out of the back room of the store and walk it right out the front door without anyone seeing or saying anything.

Before explaining the video, I'll explain how the store looks. The store is set up so that it's pretty much a rectangle. If facing the back of the store from the front, customers enter on your right. There are three rows of shelves split so that there are actually six sections. There are windows on the right side after the doors and the bathrooms are in the back on the right wall. On the left are the cooler/freezer doors and the back room door after the freezer. This is the basic set up of the store. You'd think that it would be easy to see everything from the register. However, the person at the register has to see past the rather large computer monitor that is the display for the register..I'm not talking small either. I would say that they are about 17" monitors. If you can see past the monitor, there are 2 banana trees beyond that (a banana tree is a display that has bananas stacked on the top, bread below that, bins for specials below the bread and then pop or other items stacked under that).

Now we settle in our chairs to watch the video unfold. There are 4 cameras in the store that show the view of the registers up front, the coffee bar, the front doors and down the first aisle by the cooler/freezer doors. We see 5 men (so as not to stereotype, I'll withhold and further details) standing by the freezer. Then there were 4. It was hard to see where the 5th man went as they were rather obviously standing around the back room door. Hmmmm...I wonder what he could possibly be doing. So the next thing you know, there he is holding this rather large, black, box-like object. This store is extremely busy at this point...can't anyone see what is going on? The 4 men proceed to block the 5th man with the TV. At this point they move to their left (my right) and they go off camera. I, at this point, am imagining the Flinstone tippy-toe effect. I can see them going from the end of one aisle to the next hiding behind the end caps. After about 5 minutes we see them march right up the aisle by the windows and right out the doors. Not a single person stopped them. Not one!

I almost fall out of my chair after seeing this.

Keem: Scott! How could Heather and Don not see this at all?!?
Scott: I have no idea! I would have seen this.
Keem: Why didn't customers see it? It's not like we do TV repair. Wouldn't you think it was odd to see 5 men carrying a TV and trying to be inconspicuous about it?
Scott: I can't figure it out. Let's re-enact it to see what they would have seen.
Keem: Okay Scott.

At this point, we realized that it was because of the monitors and the banana trees blocking the view. My only question is this: If you were a customer and saw this, wouldn't you mention it to someone?

There is a first time for everything. I would say that I've seen everything now, but sadly, I haven't. Here are a few quick ones about situations that happened while working for the same company.

This is an actual event in my home town. Sadly, my roommate from hell (I would think that everyone has had one of these at one point and time) knew the guy and was best friends with his wife. I had the opportunity to meet him once. Let's just say that he was a few cards short of a full deck. They say that robberies are often spur-of-the-moment rather than planned out. So a guy comes into the store with a shotgun and has the cashiers clean out the registers. He leaves the store and flees the scene of the crime. Imagine the clerk calling 911 and telling them that they were robbed. When asked about the robber, they told them that he took off on a bicycle and has the money and a shot gun. Hmmmm...do you think he got very far? Imagine my surprise the next morning when it was in the paper and my roommate and I realized that it happened to be her best friend's husband. Could it possibly be because he was going crazy working as a caretaker in the local cemetery? Yeah, I'd go crazy too if I could only talk to dead people at work. HA! I'm surprised that this didn't end up on Stupidest Criminals.

One guy that worked for the company had been held up and thought that he could prevent the thief from being successful because he was going to school to be a cop. He told the thief that he had to get something to scan from the shelf in order to open the cash register. Any guess on what happened? Yeah, don't piss off a person that is holding you at gun point or you just might get pistol-whipped. He was lucky he didn't get shot. I'm sorry folks, but if I am being held at gunpoint I'm going to cooperate. My life just isn't worth losing for my minimum wage job (okay, it wasn't exactly minimum wage, but it still isn't worth my pitiful salary).

My favorite part about working for the company as a manager was the interview process. You wouldn't believe the people. We were required to conduct security interviews for the second round interviews with a drug test to follow if they were someone you determined that was worth hiring. Here are some of the questions we were required to ask:

Have you ever done drugs?
Specifically Pot or Cocaine.
Have you ever stolen anything? Even as a small child? If you did, why did you steal? Will you ever steal again? What did you learn from stealing?
Have you ever bought stolen merchandise? Why or why not?
How did you know it was stolen?

Of course you tell the applicant at the beginning of the interview that everyone has done something at some point and time in their life. I am looking for honesty. If you aren't honest with me now, it will be harder to trust you in the future. Yeah. Honesty. If you tell me you did drugs, better luck next time.

Here are some of my favorites:

Keem: Well Jason, I would like to hire you. I have an appointment set up for you at the clinic for a drug test. You have to take it now. Once I get the results, as long as you pass, you will be hired.
Jason: I have to be honest with you. I tried Pot for the first time last night. Is that okay?

Keem: Mark, have you ever bought stolen merchandise?
Mark: Yeah, I buy it all the time.
Keem: Really, why?
Mark: You know, I know it's stolen, but the police never really do anything. I just report it and they give me this report number. They tell you that they will contact you if it comes up in an insurance report or whatever.
Keem: Wow. I'm surprised that they just give you a report number. I wonder why they don't do more than that. What types of stolen merchandise/property do you buy?
Mark: Stereos, speakers, radios, that kind of thing. Sometimes some clothes or whatever.
Keem: Well, Mark, it was great to talk to you. I should have my decision in a day or so.

Keem: (to the manager who did the initial interview) Shireen, I wouldn't hire him.
Shireen: But I really like him. He'd be great for the store.
Keem: I know, but he buys stolen merchandise. I don't think he'll work out. It's great that he was honest and all, but I don't trust him.
Shireen: Are you sure?
Keem: Yes, I know you liked him and this is the first person you've hired and all, but he won't work out.
Shireen: Okay. I understand.

I am not a shrink

2004-08-03T23:42:00.000-07:00

Let's face it. People need to talk. I understand that people like to hear words come out of their mouths, but try to understand and find the correct forum for this type of blabber. In working at the NABABNA call center for over 4 years, I've come across some extremely strange situations. I'm not trying to make fun of these people, but there are some calls that may have been crank calls, perverts, and psych ward patients.

One of the favorite calls I ever took for strangeness (and I think this was a crank, I really do) is as follows:
B: Thanks for calling NABABNA. This is Beth. How can I help you?
Mr. I-Need-a-Friend (INAF): I was shopping today and I saw a million dollar bill on sale for $1.99.
B: You saw a novelty item at the drug store?
INAF: What would happen if I bought it and spent it?
B: The Secret Service or the Federal Bureau of Investigation would arrest you for trying to pass counterfeit money.
INAF: Oh. Do you think my family would like one of these for Christmas?
B: I'm sorry Mr. INAF, but unfortunately I am unable to speak about the tastes of your family members. I'm not related to you or know your family.
INAF: Oh. I saw an ad on TV for presidential coins. When will they come out with the George W. Bush coin?
B: Unfortunately, I don't know. You might want to contact the Office of the Treasury.
INAF: You don't make the money?
B: No. The government handles the printing and minting of US Currency. We are a public bank. We could not make the physical money, that would be counterfeiting.
INAF: Would you like it if someone in your family gave you a million dollar bill?
B: Personally? No.
INAF: What's the largest bill in circulation?
B: In circulation? The largest bill that is commonly used is the $100 bill. The $1,000 bill hasn't been printed since the 1960s and when they come into circulation, they are pulled and given back to the Federal Reserve.
INAF: I think my family would like the million dollar bill for Christmas.
B: Then it's your choice to buy it for them.
INAF: I can't spend it?
B: No.
INAF: What if someone accepted it?
B: Then they'd get into a lot of trouble.
INAF: I don't want to get anyone in trouble.
B: Then I'd suggest not trying to pass it as a legitimate form of currency.
INAF: Okay. So, who do you like for presidential candidates?
B: Sir, I work for the bank. I can discuss banking related topics with you.
INAF: Oh. Can we talk about the million dollar bill some more?
B: Sir, that has nothing to do with NABABNA. Did you have any NABABNA related questions or concerns about your account?
INAF: No.
B: Thanks for calling. Have a good night.
INAF: Bye!

Another call received at our call center. This one was not a prank. This was a legitimate person who needed help. This one actually made me a little sad and I understand why we have hospitals and people who devote their lives to this type of work. I admire the people who can handle this on a regular basis. The thing is, we are not trained for this at the bank. We are trained to help with accounts. That's what we do. Here's the call that was taken by a co-worker. I'll call her Sugar. That's how she sounded on the call. Sweet, caring, and helpful. I'll call the customer Personalities? Multiple. Syndrome. Otherwise known as PMS.

Sugar: Thanks for holding. My name is Sugar. How can I help you?
PMS: You're letting people steal money from my account!
Sugar: I'm sure I can help you. Are you stating there is fraud on your account?
PMS: Yes! Stop letting them take my money!
Sugar: Do you know who is taking your money?
PMS: Of course I do. It's my twin sister who no one else can see.
Sugar: Uh...
PMS: Make her stop.
Sugar: Let's start with the fraud claim. Which transactions are fraudulent?
PMS: I don't know.
Sugar: Which ones don't match your checkbook register?
PMS: They all match.
Sugar: So, all the transactions that cleared are ones you know about and you wrote in your register?
PMS: I didn't know about all of them. My sister writes them down in the register and then balances my checkbook for me.
Sugar: So you don't know if any of the transactions are fraudulent?
PMS: Well, some of them are. I have more money.
Sugar: Is there anyone who can help you go through your register to see which transactions are yours?
PMS: No. My sister is married to the Arch-Angel Michael and he works here at the hospital. They're all on her side.
Sugar: But no one can see her?
PMS: Well, Michael can.
Sugar: And he works at the hospital?
PMS: Yes.
Sugar: And that's where you are?
PMS: Yes.
Sugar: Is there anyone there I can talk to?
PMS: Here's my caregiver.
Caregiver: Hello?
Sugar: Hi, my name's Sugar and I work for the bank. I want to help this person, do you know if this is a legitimate call?
Caregiver: She needs more medication. I was just coming in to give her the next dose. I'll handle it from here.
Sugar: Thanks for calling...

We get a lot of calls that don't need to come to the bank. People share information with us that they really shouldn't. Some of my favorites:

"I just brushed my teeth with Pesident. My breath is fresh. What type of toothpaste do you use?"
"Thank you for telling me when that purchase to the discount store was. Now I know the last time I menstruated and I can't be pregnant."
"My sister had a problem with ovarian cancer. Make sure you get tested. I worry for all women."
"I just had a hysterectomy. They took out all of my insides!"
"But I need more money. How am I going to pay for this prostitute?"
"Do you smoke crack? I do. Crack, crack, crack, crack, crack!"
"Herpes are forever."
"Public drinking fountains spread disease."
"I got beat up by the cops are LAX."
"Oh look! A car upside down on the side of the road."
"We're just happy little chipmunks."
"I'm naked. How old are you?"
"I need a girlfriend. Can you help with this?" (To which I replied, "Unfortunately, NABABNA does not offer a dating service." That's right. I did actually say this.)
"My neighbor's house is blue."
"But I need that money. I want to date my cousin and I need to go online and pay for the service to find her. She has beautiful eyes."

I did not make up any of these. I have a list that I keep. To get on the list, you need to be odd.

It's time for that new dance that's sweeping the nation - The Joint Account Jive!

2004-08-01T14:06:00.000-07:00

I've received many an escalated call regarding joint accounts, enough to make me decide that if I ever finally find the guy just warped enough to marry me, there's no way his name is going on my account. I have enough problems trying to remember what I'm spending my money on, let alone worry about anyone else. Here are some examples of some of the calls I've received over the years.

Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery
Look, whatever you do is between you and God, okay? If you want to flout your disregard of one of the 10 Commandments in His face, well, better you than me, is all I can say. But, c'mon, if you're going to cheat, be smart about it. Your spouse is going to figure it out eventually, especially if you use your check card to buy your new sweetie a special gift.

I received a phone call from a banker who was having some problems with a non-customer. She was demanding to speak to a supervisor.

DM: Thank you for holding. I understand you wished to speak to a supervisor.
Clueless Woman (CW): What are these overdraft fees for? I don't bank with NABABNA.
DM: I'm sorry, I'm not sure of what the situation is, the banker said you couldn't be identified.
CW: This is just stupid. This is a mistake and I'm going to prove it and then you're going to be sorry! Here is the account number...(she rattles the number off to me)
DM: Okay, I have pulled up that account. May I have your name, please?
CW: Clueless Woman.
DM: I'm sorry, Ms. Woman, I'm not showing your name on this account.
CW (Deep sigh tinged with sarcasm): That's what I'm trying to tell you. I don't bank at NABABNA. Why am I getting overdraft fees?
DM: Unfortunately, I can't discuss this account with you since it's not in your name.
CW: No, it's in my husband's name, Cheating Jerk. But we bank with Bank of Bank so he shouldn't be getting these overdraft fees.
DM: Have you checked with him to see if he opened an account with us?
CW: Well, why would he do that? That's just stupid. This is all your fault. You people screwed up and put his name on the account and mailed the statements to our house and started charging overdraft fees and he doesn't even have an account with you!
DM: I see. I'd suggest that you speak to him about this, ma'am. Unless you're a signer, I can't release any information to you.
CW: And look at this! Look at this statement! It's got a deposit from Large Corporation, where he works, in his name and with his Social Security Number. How did you get his SS#?
DM: I'm sorry, I can't discuss this account with you (On mute: He's hiding money from you!).
CW: And look at these purchases! Why would he possibly have any reason to make these purchases? Why would he go to Sleazy Bar or visit Sex Shoppe or Lingerie Store? He would have no reason to go there!
DM: Ma'am, I'm sorry, again, I can't discuss this with you (Oh, you poor deluded woman).
CW: Stop saying that! You keep saying the same thing over and over again! Quit it! I know this is a mistake! There's no reason for my husband to go to the By The Hour Motel! Tell me what's going on! Continued screaming! You people! I'll sue! Arrrrrrrrrrrgggggghhhhh!
DM: Ma'am. Please calm down. This is not helping the situation. I would suggest that you speak to your husband about this. Unfortunately, I cannot answer any of your questions.
CW (Deep frustrated sigh): He's cheating on me, isn't he?
DM: I really, really wish I could answer that question for you, ma'am. Unfortunately, I can't discuss this with you. I would suggest speaking to your husband (or your lawyer (telepathically transmitted through the phone)).
CW: Screw him. I'm getting a lawyer. Thank you.

She disconnected. I look at the phone. "Are you aware it's illegal to open mail addressed to someone else?" I ask her. There is no answer, of course, because she's hung up. I sometimes wonder what happened to her.

I'm Going To Tell My Mommy On You!
Why would you open up a checking account with your teenager? Well, if you were to do a survey about this, you would find that the majority of customers say it's because it's a great way to teach your child responsibility and how to balance a checkbook. And it is true, this is the best way to reach those goals. However, I have run into just a few situations where these good intentions are thrown out the window.

The following call is an amalgamation, if you will, of several calls I have received. In each of these calls, the teenager was the one using the account, the parent was only on the account to make transfers easier. So, since the teenager's the one using the account and they're being so responsible now, you would think they would be the one who would call about overdraft fees, right? Right? Wrong. Welcome to my world. Remember, italics are what I'm thinking. I would never ever talk this way to a customer. Really. Now, where the customer's concerned, the italics is what I imagine they are saying.

Banker: Dana (sadly, no one calls me DM in real life), I have an irate customer who is upset that there are overdraft fees on her joint account with her daughter (oddly enough, the majority of these calls are from the mother. An occasional Dad will call but not that often. And, yes, sometimes it's the son who screws up as well). She wants to speak to a supervisor and wouldn't let me identify her.
DM (sighs inaudibly): Joy. I'd be happy to help her. Put her through (Banker introduces customer to me). Thank you for holding. My name is Dana. I understand you're calling about overdraft fees?
Rabid Parent (RP): How dare you charge me overdraft fees! I have a great account and I refuse to pay overdraft fees! I've been banking with NABABNA for 15 years and I bring in a lot of money and I hold my mortgage with you and I'm not going to pay these fees!
DM: Ma'am, I'd be happy to help you but first I need to ask you some questions.
RP: Ask your questions! Go ahead, ask them! I dare you!
DM: Freak. May I have the account number in question?
RP: I don't know what it is, it's not my account!
DM: I'm sorry, I wouldn't be able to speak to you unless you're a signer on the account.
RP: Well, I am a signer but it's not my account! It's my daughter's. God, you're so stupid.
DM: Um, the minute you signed that account application, it became your account. Who's stupid now? Okay, do you have any other accounts with NABABNA?
RP: Well, yes. I told you I did!
DM: Could I have an account number, please?
RP: I just told you I didn't have...oh, any account number? (Rattles off account number)
DM: Thank you. (I follow the procedures to identify the customer) Okay, Ms. Parent, I'd be happy to assist you. What concerns you about this account?
RP: I'm being charged overdraft fees!
DM: Yes, I do show that this account first became overdrawn two weeks ago and now has a balance of -$163.52. There were two items that overdrew the account and there were two fees assessed at $50 each (Note: This isn't how much our overdraft fees are. They are expensive, just not that expensive).
RP: Well, I'm not paying them. This account can just stay negative for all I care. You bloodsuckers!
DM: Ms. Parent, I apologize for your frustration but the account became overdrawn because of purchases that were made. We disclose all applicable fees to our customers at the time they open the account. I'd be happy to go through the account with you and determine if there was a bank error...
RP: How would I know? This isn't my account! You stupid c-word!
DM: Don't call me names. Ms. Parent, I'm trying to assist you. Please refrain from such language. I would suggest asking your daughter to review the account history and contact us if there is an error.
RP: I want these fees reversed!
DM: Unfortunately, Ms. Parent, I would be unable to reverse these fees unless I was able to verify that there's a bank error.
RP: Reverse them! Arrrggh! I am screaming just for the heck of it! Reverse them!
DM: Ms. Parent, unless there is a bank error on this account, I am unable to reverse any fees.
RP: Why not?
DM: If there is a bank error, I would be happy to reverse the fees. At this time, I do not have any indication there is an error on our part. Please speak to your daughter and call us back or ask her to call us.
RP: Hold on a second (Slams phone down). Ungrateful! Ungrateful, you get down here right now! Here, talk to this stupid bitch from the bank.
DM: Yes, calling me a stupid bitch just makes me want to help you even more.
Ungrateful Child (UC): Hello?
DM: Hi, my name is Dana and I am a supervisor at NABABNA. I would like to go through your account to see if there is an error.
UC: Yeah, you better. I know I didn't make a mistake.
DM: Yeah, right. Certainly, let me identify you (I identify UC). Now, Ms. Child, I see there was a purchase here to Trendy Clothes Shop for $75 and another purchase at College Hangout. Did you make these purchases?
UC: Yeah. So?
DM: Were you aware that your account had a balance of $5.00 at that time?
UC: Yeah. So?
DM: Well, when your account doesn't have the funds to support a purchase you made, this causes your account to become overdrawn. When this happens, two things can happen. Either the item is paid and you are assessed an overdraft fee or the item is returned, resulting in an Insufficient Funds Charge or IFC. Now this particular purchase was paid and an overdraft fee was assessed.
UC: Well, reverse it.
DM: I'm sorry but I'm unable to do that. This was not the result of bank error.
UC: Fine, bitch. Talk to my Mom.
RP: I told you to reverse those fees.
DM (by now I have lost my patience. I have been called the c-word, I have been called a bitch, I have had this little punk sneer at me, I have had this woman scream at me. I have had it. It's time to get rough...or at least, as rough as I can get at work): Ms. Parent, I am going to speak frankly. I have explained that I can only reverse the fee if it is a bank error. Your daughter has just informed me that she was aware she only had $5 in her account when she made this $75 purchase. The overdraft fees were charged correctly. Courtesy reversals have been made on this account before and, in one situation, a remark was left stating that the customer was aware of the fact that no more fees would be reversed unless they are caused by bank error. There is nothing in our conversation that indicates to me that this will not happen again.
RP: I think you're being rude. You can't lecture me! You can't tell my daughter how to spend her money!
DM: Actually, at this point, she was not spending her money. She was spending NABABNA's money. And since we allowed her to make this purchase, we charged her an overdraft fee. There is not a bank error.
RP: I want to talk to your supervisor!
DM: Certainly. I'd be happy to transfer you to his voicemail, if you would be willing to hold. However, I must caution you that he will review your account the same way I have. Will you hold please?

Okay, so what did Ungrateful Child learn from this experience? If you said "How not to take responsibility" you would be exactly right. If you said "How to be a complete pain in the ass that will never amount to anything and be a blight on our society and will probably get busted for drug use and then her mom will be wondering what she did wrong and oh, my God, could I tell her!" you would not only be exactly right but learning to think like me...and that's just scary.

If you want to teach your kid to manage money responsibly, let them pay their overdraft fees. They'll figure it out.

"Why would I write a check?"

2004-07-31T23:02:00.000-07:00

There's something about a full moon. All of the crazies come out and the calls at work get weirder and weirder. I just need to discuss a couple that I received today.

The first woman I spoke to had to be taught Banking 101. She just didn't get it. Surprisingly enough, her account wasn't in that bad of shape, but her comments were, let's just say, moronic. She was upset that she didn't get charged extra fees because the product she has for overdraft protection actually worked. Here's our conversation:

B: Thank you for holding Ms. Worry-wort (WW). My name is Beth and I'm a supervisor here at NABABNA. I understand you wanted to talk to a supervisor about your overdraft protection.

WW: This is all your fault! I shouldn't be overdrawn. What did that banker mean this isn't a bank error?!!!

B: I'm sorry Ms. Worry-wort. I would be happy to go through the situation with you and see what happened. I see the account went negative, what happened that made the account overdrawn?

WW: I wrote that check and it wasn't supposed to clear yet.

B: Okay. If you didn't want it to clear, why did you write it?

WW: I didn't think it would clear yet. That merchant shouldn't have cleared it yet.

B: Did you have an agreement with the merchant to hold your check?

WW: No.

B: Then the merchant had a right to collect.

WW: This isn't my fault. I wrote that it shouldn't clear until next week.

B: Okay, we're talking about post-dating checks then.

WW: Yes.

B: Unfortunately, post-dating checks is not something that will stop a check from clearing. Some states even have laws against post-dating checks. Once a check is written and given to the payee, the payee can clear the check. If you don't want the promise to pay to clear your account, you have two options. Don't write the check yet or place a stop payment on the item.

WW: But the teller wouldn't let me cash an item from three years ago.

B: So now we're talking about stale-dated checks?

WW: There's a difference?

B: Yes. One has a future date on it, one has a past date on it.

WW: What is a check?

B: Um, you've written checks before.

WW: But what is a check?

B: A check is a legal promise to pay someone. You have authorized the payee to have the funds written on the item.

WW: Oh. Why would I write a check?

B: To pay someone. I really wanted to say, "They're pretty. It's just fun to decorate. Wasting paper is great!" This woman seriously has ten checks clear a day. You think she'd understand the whole concept of owing money somewhere and that this little piece of paper is how they are receiving the money.

WW: Okay. But this isn't my fault.

B: Did you give the person this money?

WW: Yes.

B: Then they could take it.

WW: Oh. Thanks!

B: Thanks for calling.

I sat stunned for a moment, trying to understand this woman's concerns. I still don't get her.

Here's the other weird call I got tonight:

B: Thank you for holding Mr. Freaking-Out-in-Public. My name is Beth and I'm a supervisor here at NABABNA. I understand you're having problems with your debit card.

FOP: I am out to dinner with my family and I need to pay for my $80 meal and my card doesn't work.

B: I'd be happy to look into the situation with you Mr. FOP. I am showing that your card was closed as stolen over two weeks ago.

FOP: That's right. I had my wallet stolen and I got the new card, but I threw it away since my wallet was returned.

B: Okay. But we closed this card two weeks ago.

FOP: But I have it back!

B: Um, once a card is closed, it remains closed. This is for security reasons.

FOP: Make it work! I can't pay for dinner. What am I supposed to do?

B: Have you considered writing a check?

FOP: I don't like checks. I didn't bring my check book.

B: Let me see if I understand this. You brought your family out for dinner with the only form of payment being a card that you reported stolen to the bank and you knew that it had been reported stolen?

FOP: Yes.

B: Unfortunately, I can't make that card work again. It's closed. I can reissue another card since it seems you threw out the new one we sent you. Unless you have a different form of payment, you might want to talk to the restaurant personnel about how to pay.

FOP: Okay. Thanks!

B: Thanks for calling.

Why do people not think? That's the problem with this world. People don't realize that there is a little bit of planning and thought that goes into a day/week/year to make sure that it goes smoothly. I just don't get people sometimes.

World's Dumbest Criminals

2004-07-28T23:49:00.000-07:00

This story was told to me by a great friend of mine. She is one of the characters and I'm changing the names to protect the guilty. There are three main characters to the story. We have:
Michelle (my friend)
Jim (her ex-boyfriend)
Bart (his best friend)

Michelle and Jim shared an apartment. Life was happy, nothing too terrible going on, but as life goes, drama must occur. Michelle worked hard at her job, pulling double shifts often to pull in the money and Jim had his steady job. Michelle came home from work one night, not quite ready to hit the sack where Jim was sleeping peacefully. What to do? She decided it was time to write in her journal so she quietly went into their room and pulled her journal and a pen from her dresser drawer.

"What's that?" Jim sleepily asks.

"It's my journal. I'm going to the living room. Go back to sleep."

She goes to the living room and sits watching music videos and writing about her day, venting about customers and the jerk who cut her off, you know, meaningless stuff. Her writing is personal to her though, and anyone reading her journal would be invading her privacy. As she is done, she thinks, "He's going to read my journal. I know it." She pulls a hair from her head, lays it across the page and tests her trick. The hair won't fall out unless the journal is opened. Now she'll know.

The next day is rather uneventful. Jim has the day off and Michelle leaves for work. She works a double shift again and comes home to see Jim sitting in the living room, flipping through the channels. She goes to their room quickly and checks the journal. Sure enough, the hair is missing.

Michelle walks back into the living room to face Jim. "So what did you do today?" She asks nicely.

"Not much. Just sat around watching TV." Jim replies.

"What time did you read my journal?" She is still giving him a chance to answer honestly.

"I didn't read your journal."

"I didn't ask if you read my journal, I asked what TIME did you read my journal."

"I didn't read your journal." He lies again.

"Well, I worked a long day, and you're lying to me, I'm going to bed."

Michelle is not someone you want mad at you. I learned everything I know about arguing from her. I've seen her boyfriends cringe in the corner of a room, scared of the logic and vicious rhetoric she uses. And the daggers from her eyes! Wow. I'm in awe every time I see her in full action. Jim got lucky that night.

The next night Michelle goes to work again and goes out afterwards, 'forgetting' to turn off her cell phone. She's avoiding Jim for the time being to avoid saying something she doesn't want to. This goes on for a couple of days.

On Friday, Jim calls her at work. During her shift. Here's the conversation:

M: Hello.

J: Hi. I need you to turn on your phone tonight.

M: Tell me why.

J: I just need you to turn on your phone.

M: Tell me why.

J: Just do it.

M: Tell me why!

J: I might need a little help.

M: What?

J: I might need to call you.

M: Why?

J: Bart asked me to take his truck.

M: So?

J: He wants me to TAKE his truck.

M: Don't do it.

J: Just turn on your phone.

M: I can't believe you're planning on insurance fraud.

J: Just turn on your phone.

She hangs up on him.

Michelle continues her shift at work and now we start to see what Jim is up to.

The idiot decided to take Bart's truck. He did it. The plan is for Jim to take the truck, Bart to come pick up Jim in his girlfriend's car, and then call in a stolen vehicle report. I guess Bart couldn't pay NABABNA anymore for the truck and wanted out of the deal. Jim held up to his end of the bargain. He took the truck up to an abandoned field and torched the vehicle. I mean torched it. He actually did a good job of arson. There is no way this vehicle can be repaired. As he's leaving the scene, he lost his cell phone. That's right. He lost his cell phone. Now he can't call Bart to get him. Bart knows where he is, this isn't a big deal. Meanwhile, Bart's girlfriend gets pissed off at him and takes off in her car. Bart cannot go get Jim. He has already called in the stolen vehicle report and is now frantically trying to find another buddy to give him a ride to go get Jim without giving up the story.

After about 10 calls, he finds a ride and gets Jim. The plan works. Amazingly enough, up to this point, the plan is working. The boys get back to the house and the police call.

Police: We found your truck. We have some bad news. It's been torched.

Bart: Oh man.

Police: Did you lose your cell phone?

Bart: No. I have my phone.

Police: We found a phone near the truck.

Bart: You know, my buddy was riding with me earlier today. Maybe he left it in the truck.

Police: That makes sense. We filled out the report and you can contact your insurance company.

Bart: Okay. Thanks.

They hang up. Again, the plan is working. The police actually bought the story about the cell phone and Bart is clear. They should have left it here. But what happens? Bart and Jim get paranoid. Bart starts freaking out and Jim does nothing to stop this. Bart decides to call the police back.

Bart: I want to cancel my stolen vehicle report.

Police: Why?

Bart: I asked my friend to take my truck.

Police: Okay.

Bart: Can he have his cell phone back?

Police: Sure, why don't you boys come on down to the station and we'll give it back.

Bart: Okay. Thanks!

Here's the idiot part. Bartles and James go to the police station. That's right. The drive to the station to pick up the phone. When they walk in, they confess to everything and Jim uses his one call to call Michelle.

J: I'm in jail.

M: Good.

J: Can you call my mom and arrange bail?

M: Yes.

J: It's Friday night. I can't get out until Monday morning.

M: Good.

J: Okay. Bye.

M: Bye.

Monday morning arrives and Michelle arrives at the police station with Jim's mom to get him out of jail. His mother gives him the classic lecture and then leaves. Michelle is left standing with Jim, fuming at the idiot for screwing up his life and hers. Her response to him was:

"So, when did you read my journal?"

Jim lowers his head, knowing he is defeated. There is no out anymore. "Okay, I read your journal. I'm sorry."

M: Alright, now we can deal with everything else. Why, WHY would you do this to me?

J: I didn't do this to you.

M: Oh, oh yes you did. I'm counting on you to pay half the rent and I'm planning on spending my life with you, why, why would you do this to me?

J: Whatever.

Needless to say, Michelle and Jim broke up. He did try three weeks later to mend things by saying, "You should be over this by now." Not a good thing to say to Michelle. Especially after he threatened to kill her cat. He turned a little bit psycho. Jim and Bart both went in front of a judge and got their punishment. Jim moved out and Michelle's life is back to normal. Or as close as it can get.

Fraud is bad, m'kay?

2004-07-25T12:09:00.000-07:00

In honor of Fraud Prevention Week (well, in belated honor of Fraud Prevention Week), I thought posts on the different types of fraud might be a good idea. And, in order to amuse, examples of the types of fraud will be offset with the morons who knew they were the victims of fraud and yet, didn't want to do anything about it. Why? Well, I thought I covered that when I said they were morons but okay, because they were stupid?

Today's post is about Check Fraud - Most people aren't aware that there is actually a black market for checking account numbers. I know this because a) I watch 20/20 on occasion and b) I work in a bank. It would stand to reason that I know what I'm talking about, right? So, when your bank representative tells you that, since your checking account information is stolen, it would be a good idea to close your account, please listen. I have spent many hours trying to convince customers of this.

Conversation with elderly woman.
DM: Thank you for holding, ma'am. My name is Dana and I'm a supervisor with NABABNA. I understand your check book is missing but you don't want to close your account.
Elderly Woman (EW): That's right.
DM: Might I ask why?
EW: Because I got new checks. Talk to my daughter. (She hands the phone to her daughter)
DM: Hi. I'm Dana. Your mother wanted me to talk to you but unfortunately, I can't speak to you about her account. I can, however, answer general questions.
Overbearing Daughter (OD): I think it's just ridiculous that NABABNA is forcing my mother to close my account. She just bought $100 worth of new checks and now, you're forcing her to close this account and lose that $100.
DM: Okay. I can understand how that...
OD: You're just doing this to make money. I know how NABABNA works. You're money hungry. You figure that you'll make the customer have to order checks all over again and get another $100.
DM: I'm sorry you feel that way. I wouldn't like you to feel that we are money hungry, we are simply trying to protect your mother's account from fraud.
OD: Oh, please. What could possibly happen if someone found her checkbook?
DM: I'm glad you asked. Here are some things that can happen.

I quickly give the customer and her daughter an example of all the things that can happen when your checkbook is stolen, such as the previously mentioned black market. How just placing a stop payment on lost or stolen checks is not always enough because there are software programs that can be used to print checks at home. How automatic payments can be set up using the stolen number. How a stop payment only lasts for six months and sometimes the thiefs will wait until the six months is up and then start running the checks through.

OD: You're just trying to scare us.
DM: Ma'am, could I please speak to your mother?
EW: Yes?
DM: Ms. Elderly Woman, your daughter thinks I am just trying to scare you. However, what I'm trying to is protect your account. You have $25,000 in this checking account. If someone was to use your account in a fraudulent matter and you refuse to place the freeze on your account, you could be held responsible for the fraud. I certainly think that the thought of losing $25,000 is much more serious than the fact that you just ordered checks for $100.
EW: But they're really pretty checks. They have kittens on them.
DM: (On mute, making the universally recognized weighing balance gesture with my hands) Kitten checks...$25,000. Kitten checks...$25,000. Yeah, lady, you're right. Save the kitten checks, that's so much more practical. I understand that, ma'am. I really think that $25,000 is a little more important.
EW: You're right. Let's do this.

I go through the entire freeze process with the customer. Between her and her daughter, there are a myriad of questions about every single aspect of the freeze. This procedure normally takes 15 minutes, at the most. Keep in mind I'd already spent a good 15 minutes convincing Ms. Elderly Woman that this was a good idea. With all of the questions they were asking, another 45 minutes have passed. I have spent an hour helping save all of this woman's money and I feel good about it. I've done a good deed. I am Super Banker. Until I hear this...

EW: Uh-oh.
DM: Excuse me?
EW: (Giggles) I hope you won't be too mad at me.
DM: I'm sorry, I don't know what you mean.
EW: Oh, my daughter just found my checkbook. It was in my other purse. Sorry.
DM: (Through my clenched teeth) Oh, that's wonderful. Let me delete this freeze for you. I'm glad you found your checkbook.
EW: Thank you. Have a nice day.

And she is gone, off to spend her $25,000 with her brand new kitten checks. Stupid woman. What is our moral today? If you're going to call the bank to report your checkbook stolen, make sure it's actually stolen. If you have two purses, check them both!

Some of the places where customers have found their checkbook after placing a freeze:

Behind the toilet (why, I always balance my checkbook in the bathroom).
Underneath the bed (the cover is leather and the guy's cat had stolen the checkbook to play with it).
In their locked drawer at work (because, hey, why would I bother to look there when it's the place I always put my checkbook).

I know there are more but I can't think of them right now. Beth and Keem will remind me of anything I've missed.

You know, you're just asking for me to make fun of you

2004-07-23T13:09:00.000-07:00

Recently, I took an escalated call. Now, this, in itself, is not that amusing. Having someone scream at you is not fun, especially if you're trying to calm the person down so you can help them. I have had to, on one occasion, actually interrupt a customer (huge no-no in the customer service field but what are you gonna do?) and say "I am trying to help you. Please be quiet and listen to me. I do not want you to close your account. You are the victim of fraud and I want to help you get your money back. Do you understand what I am trying to say?" The customer stopped screaming and said (and I quote) "Oh. I guess it's really not NABABNA's fault that I'm being ripped off, huh?"

So, anyway, the call I'm referring to was from a customer who was upset that his account was closed and he was referred to a collection agency. He seemed to believe this was NABABNA's error. Here is our conversation. Remember, when I use italics, this is what I am thinking, not saying to the customer...well, unless I've got the mute button on.

DM (that's me!): Thank you for holding, sir. My name is DM and I am a supervisor. The banker told me that you wanted to speak to me about the fact that your account was closed?

Raving Idiot (RI for short): Yes. I haven't used my account since February and apparently, you were allowing Large Insurance Company (LIC) to debit money from my account. This caused me to become overdrawn and then you reported me to a collection agency. This is wrong, wrong, wrong and you are all evil pigs who must die.

DM: Okay. Let me make sure I understand this, sir. LIC was withdrawing money from your account fraudulently?

RI: No, no! Where did you get that from? I had set up payments with them and forgot to cancel the payment when I moved. God, you're stupid.

DM: I'm stupid? I'm stupid? Listen, you jackass... I'm sorry you feel that I am stupid, sir.  I am just trying to understand the situation. Did you contact us when you received your statement to let us know that this had happened?

RI: No. I never got a statement. You people didn't send me one.

DM: I am only one person, sir. I am not plural. Oh, that's unfortunate. I'm not showing that we've received statements back from the Post Office. Let's verify your address to make sure we're sending the statements to the right address. Would you please give me your address?

RI: I don't know what you have. I've moved six times since February.

DM: Well, you're obviously a stable and trustworthy person. Hey, I think I've dated you. Ah. Did you update your address with us, sir?

RI: No! Why would I do that? I wasn't using the account! And quit changing the subject! Why did you let LIC take money out of my account?

DM: Well, sir, you set up automatic payments with them. In order to stop the payments from coming out of the account, we would ask you to contact LIC.

RI: Stop blaming LIC! I've already talked to them! I want you to open this account back up so they can give me the money back. God, why don't you listen?

DM: Oh, I don't know. Maybe because you're a babbling idiot? Please forgive me, sir, I'm just trying to find out what you want by asking questions.  I should have realized you wanted to open the account. By using my psychic powers.   I apologize but unfortunately, I would be unable to assist you with your request. If you would be willing to visit a branch, they would be able to determine if they will be able to reopen the account.

RI: I'm not going to the branch. I've already wasted all the time I'm going to spend with you people. I can't open up a new account with Bank of Bank because of you people screwing up my account. Get my name removed from that collection agency so I can open up a new account.

DM: I do apologize, sir, but I am unable to do what you request. If you would visit a branch...

RI: I'm not talking to you anymore. You're never going to get your money back because you won't do this. You're a stupid (word that rhymes with witch but yet, oddly, starts with a B)!

Customer disconnects. I spend a few minutes laughing at him because well, he's an idiot. He's already been reported to the collection agency and, by law, he will not be able to open up a new account at any bank until after his name from said collection agency for at least a year...unless, of course, he goes to a credit union and they don't check the list.

Let's review, shall we? What did the customer do wrong?

He did not change his address with his bank.
He did not cancel his payments with LIC.
He did not think "Hey, maybe I should close this account if I'm not going to be using it anymore instead of blithely frolicking through life without a care or single responsible thought in my brain and just assuming that everything will be okay."

The very same day, I receive a call from a banker who asks me to look at an account with him. The banker, let's call him Kyle, says to me that he is speaking to a customer who thought he closed his account in February. I say "Is his name Raving Idiot, by any chance?"

Kyle: No, it's Idiot Beyond-Reason. Why?

DM: Um, no reason. Do you have his account number?

Kyle: Yes. Here it is. (I pull up the account.) As you can see, there is quite a lot of activity on this account, for something that he apparently hasn't been using. I asked him about the purchases and ATM withdrawals and he says that he cut up his card in February. So he wants to dispute all of the activity on this account since February.

DM: But, but there are payroll deposits into this account. Doesn't he know that he's not getting his money?

Kyle: Well, that's the thing. If you look at these deposits, you'll see that these deposits are not in Mr. Beyond-Reason's name. They are actually in the name of Ima Random-Woman.

DM: Okay, I'm completely confused. Who is that?

Kyle: I asked him that and he first told me he didn't know.

DM: This account has been receiving these deposits since last October.

Kyle: I know. I asked him about that. He then said that this might be the name of his ex-girlfriend but he doesn't really remember what her name is.

DM: Wait. He doesn't remember the name of his girlfriend from what? Six months ago? (Kyle and I pause in reflection...okay, you caught me. We paused to laugh hysterically.)

Kyle: Yeah, that's what he said. He then admitted he doesn't really know if he cut up the card or not.

DM: Since this is a sole owner account, did it ever occur to him to call us and oh, I don't know, close his account?

Kyle: Apparently not.

DM: Okay. Here's what you do. Explain to him that to dispute all of the purchases and ATM withdrawals, you also need to dispute all of the deposits as well. Get a phone number for him and then ask your manager if you can file this claim off of the phone. This one's going to take awhile.

Kyle: That's what I figured. Thanks, DM.

DM: Have fun.

I later ran into Kyle and he told me that the customer continued to insist that he was not the one using this account and everything should be disputed. Kyle filed all of the claims and then tried to call the customer back to give him the reference numbers. The phone number, mysteriously, did not work. So, probably what happened? Mr. Idiot Beyond-Reason probably just broke up with Ms. Random-Woman and is ticked off at her. So he's going to pay her back by getting all of her deposits returned. Not thinking about the fact that, hey, the account is in his name and he's responsible for it!

Moral of my story: Please, please, please...if you move, change your address with your bank. Don't just assume everything's going to be okay. Do you want to go through life knowing that I'm secretly laughing at you?

When Morons Go To The Movies

2004-07-22T06:37:00.000-07:00

No, this is not work related. However, it is a very important that the Morons of America wake up and realize that this behavior needs to stop. It needs to stop now. What am I talking about, you ask? Well, dear reader, please continue reading and all will be revealed.

Those of you that know me personally (or have read Green Duckies) know that I'm a bit of a movie buff. I love movies. I would spend all day watching movies if I could. I would love to write reviews but since I would prefer to watch the Porky's Trilogy over The Hours, I'm not sure I would be taken seriously. When I pay $7.50 for a movie, I want to experience every last minute of the movie going experience, which includes the previews and the Fandango commercial. Don't mess around during the Fandango commercial, people! It makes me seriously cranky. I even enjoy the Movies - They're Worth It campaign that was going on. Movie Piracy is bad. Don't steal.

But I digress (yes, I know you're all really surprised by this). The point is, that when I go to the movies, I want to watch the movies.

So let's just cover some Dana Movie Don'ts, shall we?

If I wanted to deal with children, I'd ask my sister if I could baby-sit Josh. Do not bring small children to a movie unless it is a movie deliberately marketed for said small children. In other words, your four year old son is not going to want to sit through I, Robot and is going to continue talking no matter how many times you shush him. He is seriously bored. And I, I am seriously pissed.
Movie theaters are not babysitters. You may think your teen or "tween" is old enough to go to the movies by themselves but they really aren't. Do you know what they're going to do while you're gone? They are going to run up and down the stairs, throw candy at one another, have a conversation about what boy they really like and, well, really irritate me to the point that I'm ready to wait for you in the parking lot and make you give me my $7.50 back because you just don't have any sense of responsibility.
To the women who thought it was a great idea to sit next to me during Love Actually, let me just cover a few things. Yes, that's Rowan Atkinson who yes, did play Mr. Bean at one time in his career (but, since he is a comic genius, he has played other points and I love him and he is on screen and shut up already!). Yes, Hugh Grant is really hot. No, I don't care about what you had for lunch, what you think is going to happen next or about Billy Bob Thornton and Angelina Jolie's marriage. I am here to watch a movie. If I wanted your opinion on everything, I would ask you out to dinner.
To the little punk who shushed me during Anchorman, I am older than you, I outweigh you and I probably outmean you as well. You and your little brat friends deserved to be told to sit down and you know it. Don't shush me and try to play all innocent with your "We're trying to watch a movie" comment because I laughed. Anchorman, moron in training, is a comedy. People will laugh during it. And consider it this way, I only told you five to sit down and keep quiet. Someone not as tolerant as me might, oh, I don't know, beat the crap out of you? I have witnesses to your behavior throughout the entire movie. You're really lucky I didn't have you thrown out. Next time, I will.

Okay, so, if you, by any chance, recognize yourself from this post, please take the time to consider how your actions affect others. I am a very easy going person and if you're pissing me off, I'm thinking the multitude of people in the theater are not going to bat an eye when I drag you out of the theater by your hair. I'm thinking I might even get a medal.

Just shut up. You'll get farther.

2004-07-22T02:00:00.000-07:00

Tonight at work, I may have dealt with one of the most unique questions I've found in 7 years at NABABNA. It's not really the request that inspired me to blog, but the fact that the woman I was talking to was the perfect example of insanity.

This woman was upset that the advertisements the bank sends out were only arriving in one of her account statements. That's right. She was furious that the bank wasn't advertising to her the same offers MORE THAN ONCE. She wants us to send her multiple pieces of shiny paper that can just clutter up her home. This is weird in the first place.

I'll admit. This woman got wrong information from many sources at NABABNA. Here's the highlights of the call:

Banker, I'll call him Frank or F calls me (B). The woman will be Loudmouth. Okay, Frank calls:

B: Thanks for calling. How can I help you?
F: I was talking to another supervisor and I got disconnected because they didn't want to deal with this crazy situation and they were trying to find a way out. (Okay, the italics are what I'm sure the guy was thinking.)
B: I'm sorry about that. What's the problem?
F: This woman wants us to send her lots of paper and she's pissed off because we don't kill multiple trees so she can read the same thing over and over.
B: I'd be happy to help you.
F: I told her that it has to do with her privacy preferences.
B: That doesn't sound right. I don't know the exact answer, but that shouldn't have anything to do with it.
F: Well, that's what the other supervisor told me and they were checking on it when I got disconnected.
B: That's fine. Since we're supposed to take over this type of call, I'll ask for you to put the customer through now.
F: Okay [pause], Ms. Loudmouth...
Loudmouth: You're wrong! Privacy preference laws only talk about sharing my information with outside companies. You can advertise to me all those programs and services your company offers! I don't think this is right. This call has lasted too long. I don't like this. You don't know what you're doing.
B: [I interrupt now - yes, I interrupted. I know it's wrong, but I've been monitored already.] Frank, I can take care of this now. Ms. Loudmouth, my name is Beth and I'm a supervisor here. I'd like to help...
L: He doesn't know what he's talking about. I don't want to explain this again.
B: I already know what is going on and I'd like to place you on hold while I see if this can be corrected. Can you hold?
L: I told him everything! I talked to the President of the branch here years ago and he said it had to do with a conversion and my Social Security number. I don't think this is right. I want insurance. I should get my free $1,000.
[By the way, I have no clue how a bank would give away a free $1,000. This seems, in a word, odd.] He's not there anymore. He was too good. He got promoted and I don't want to deal with this. I've been on the phone for almost an hour. It has nothing to do with privacy preferences. You can advertise to me. I just don't think I care anymore. That banker doesn't know what he's doing. I already know the answer. The President of the bank told me it years ago. [Yes, she basically looped back and forth. There was never a breath. Never!] I hate you people...
B: Ms. Loudmouth, I would like to help you. Can I place you on hold? [Yes, I interrupted again.]
L: I already know the answer. I want my advertising. I deserve my free $1,000. What if I died and the man that I don't want to marry but helps me raise my children had no money. He deserves $1,000. I said I'd never say wedding vows. It has nothing to do with my privacy preference.
B: I know that. I'd like to help you. Can you hold?
L: The President of the bank, he's good and he's not there anymore, I read the paper you know. I always know what's going on. He told me it was a conversion thing and my Social Security number....
B: Can you hold?
L: The President told me this. I want my money. My man deserves $1,000. He got the advertising. I want it too. I know the answer. It's nothing to do with privacy preferences....
B: Yes, you've told me this MULTIPLE times now. I get it. Can you hold while I try to fix it?
L: The President...
B: Ms. Loudmouth, I can't do anything until you hold.
L: I've been on this call for a long time now because I just like to hear my own voice.
B: Well, I can make it shorter if you can hold. Can you hold?
L: I've been on this call for almost an hour and I've been dealing with this for 10 years.
B: Can you hold?
L: The President of the bank...
B: Ms. Loudmouth, can you hold?
L: Can you call me back?
B: No.
L: I can hold.

So at this point (which, by the way, I shortened for the blog. Believe, I shortened it GREATLY. One of the bankers on my team actually took 5 calls in the time it took for me to put this woman on hold.) I called over to a processing area and stumped a whole bunch of people. The first guy just transferred me to someone else. I think he went to ask for help and they just asked to take over the call. This second woman came on and tried to brush me off by giving me a phone number for our privacy preference line. Here's my conversation with her (her name will be Sue.)
S: Here's the phone number for our privacy line.
B: It has nothing to do with her privacy preference.
S: It's probably some conversion thing.
B: That makes no sense.
S: Well, if she opts out, she won't get any paper anymore.
B: But she WANTS the paper. I told you that already.
S: She wants the advertising? That's crazy.
B: Yes. And she's losing it because we're not flooding her home in dead trees. Is there some type of statement handling code on this account?
S: No.
B: Then why wouldn't she get this in her statements?
S: Well, it's a privacy preference thing.
B: No, it's not. She's getting the stuff in her other statement. If it was a privacy thing, she wouldn't get ANY advertising. And it's not just the advertising. It's the disclosures too.
S: I'll check with a specialist. Can you hold?
B: Yes.

Time goes by. Loudmouth actually disconnected so I never got the satisfaction of telling her the CORRECT answer. I don't really care though. She chose to hang up.

Sue returns.
S: Thanks for holding. I'm still checking on this. The specialist is asking the other specialists for help. Can you continue to hold?
B: Yes.

Another delay. I'm laughing now because I've stumped the entire department. This is exciting!

S: Thanks for holding. The reason this woman isn't getting extra advertising is because we only send one per customer and it is generated by whatever account is the first on the customer's profile.
B: So, because her joint account is a lower number than the sole account, the joint account is the one with the advertising?
S: Yes.
B: So, it has nothing to do with her privacy preference and nothing to do with conversions.
S: That's correct.
B: That's good to know. Thanks.
S: Have a good night.

By the way, if you're not familiar with jargon, joint account means there is more than one signer with transaction authority on the account. Sole account means only one person owns the account.

The morale of the story: SHUT UP and you'll get the right answer, a lot sooner. Talking or yelling in the ear of a representative does nothing but waste your time and theirs.

Too Much Information

2004-07-18T06:28:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time I took a call from a very nice gentleman who had a very traumatic experience and needed to file a claim regarding fraudulent activity on his account. This customer had visited an ATM and was kidnapped at gun point. He was forced to withdraw money from the ATM and then held captive at his home for several days. While I was filing the report, I had to ask him questions for a form I was required to fill out.

The customer answered my questions and then started providing information I didn't need for the form and didn't really want to know. The italics are when I have quickly pressed the mute button.

I had just asked the customer (C) for a description of the assailant. Here is his response:

C: There was two of them. They were huge.  Like football players. I'm just a little guy. They were really big. They were black. Not that there's anything wrong with that, I'm not predjudiced, but these guys were black. They raped me, you know.
DM: Uh, no, I didn't know that. I'm very sorry to hear that, sir. That's horrible.
C: You heard about black men, right?  About their really big areas, if you know what I mean. Well, the stories are all true. These guys were huge.
DM (rocking back and forth in horror): Why, why is he telling me this? Oh, sir, I'm so sorry this happened to you.
C: It wouldn't have been so bad if they would have used lubricant. But they didn't. So I didn't like it at all. I wouldn't have minded so much if they would have used some lotion. I might have liked it then. They were really big. I guess you would say they were good looking.
DM: Oh, my God! This is too much information!  Have you called the police, sir?
C: I suppose I should do that.
DM: That would be a good idea, sir.

Another fraud call came from an older gentleman.

DM: Well, I'd be happy to place a freeze on your checking account, sir. We want to make sure that no one can use your account fraudulently.
C2: That's good. I appreciate that.
DM:  Let me explain what is going to happen to your account...(customer begins talking)
C2: See, I'm...well, I was lonely. And I had her over to my apartment.  Do you know what a one night stand is?
DM: Um, yes, sir, I do.
C2: I guess I shouldn't have believed that someone that young was interested in me. I'm 73. How old are you?
DM: Okay, sir, I'm going to place a freeze on your account and...
C2: I met her at the bar. Did I mention I was lonely?
DM: Okay, well, about this freeze...
C2: She was young. She was probably 25 and had a nice, well, chest area.
DM: Oh, dear God in Heaven, where do you people come from?  Sir, I need to place this freeze now. You may want to call the police when we're done.
C2: Okay.

The mute button is a wonderful, wonderful invention.

Pride and Prejudice for Morons

2004-07-17T20:18:00.000-07:00

One of the things I love about working for NABABNA is that NABABNA embraces diversity. It is wonderful to work for a company that:

gleefully offers health insurance to domestic partners, completely not caring if your domestic partner is of the same sex or the opposite sex of you (which, if you listen to the stupid, stupid man who is running our country, is completely wrong and we're probably all going to hell)
promotes on the basis of who the best person for the job is and pays everyone in the position the same wage, not promoting or paying based on race, gender or sexual preference
is heavily involved in community programs that benefit all people and will not contribute to community programs that exclude based on race, gender or sexual preference

As you can imagine, this sometimes draws fire from the, oh, how do I say this tactfully? The absolute morons who think that they are better than everyone else and how dare we support anything that they personally feel is wrong? Now, people, I don't have a problem with you believing what you want. That's your right as an American. However, that does not give you the order me to change my beliefs, it does not give you the right to suppress others because they are of a different race, gender or sexual preference than and it certainly does not give you the right to perform hate crimes against said others as well.

So, anyway, NABABNA has been involved in sponsoring Pride Festivals. And there are people who don't like this. Which is fine, I accept that they have a right to their opinion. Just like I have the right to think that they are silly, narrow-minded people. And if they don't want to bank at NABABNA because they don't like the fact that we support Pride, that's also fine. Go ahead and leave. Maybe you can find the local branch of the We Hate Everyone Who Isn't Us bank.

What I do have a problem with is when these people think that it would be a great idea to call and feed me their propaganda. Here is a conversation that I had last month with a customer. Or, I should say, soon to be ex-customer. In order for you to get the true effect of the call, imagine that the words in italic parentheses are what he is actually saying. So if he said "You people" his tone would indicate that he was placing us on the same level with (leperous dregs of society).

A banker calls up and tells me that he has a customer who wants to speak to a supervisor but won't say why. This happens occasionally and so I ask the banker to transfer the customer.

DM: Thank you for holding, sir. My name is Dana and I'm a supervisor at NABABNA. How may I help you?

Self-righteous idiot who is going to annoy me very much (SRI for short): Yes. I was driving through Name of City yesterday and I saw that they were having a Pride Festival (Ritual Slaying of Small Children). And then I saw representatives from NABABNA (representatives of SATAN) had a booth there. This is disgusting.

DM: Well, sir, NABABNA prides itself on it's diversity (yes, I said pride. Yes, I did it on purpose to indicate that I thought he was a narrow-minded bigot and I now hated him with a fiery passion) and...

SRI (cuts me off): Well, your diversity (diseased-ridden values) is why you will be losing me (akin to royalty) as your customer.

DM: I'm sorry to hear that, sir (I am rejoicing and singing praises to God).

Here's what this guy doesn't know. I have five male friends. I love them all very, very much and they are all gay. And when you start knocking gays and saying that they shouldn't have the right to marry or adopt or breathe, you're talking about my extended family. And you're ticking me off. So I love the fact that NABABNA is out there supporting Pride. And if you don't like it, well, I'm sorry to see you leave but I hope that someday you will see the light and realize that you're not any better than anyone else.

Are YOU on the list?

2004-07-17T15:45:00.000-07:00

Since customers are such an amusing source of humor, I've kept a small list over the years of random things I've heard. This is in no way a complete list. I could never have a complete list. I'd like to discuss a few of these now.

WRONG ANSWER!
NABABNA used to take calls for other banks when they were closed to help with certain lost/stolen procedures. Basically, we closed cash cards over the weekend because the other banks couldn't afford to keep their locations open to close 1 card every 5 weeks. (This is effective in cost management to outsource this function.) The thing about this line that customers would dial was that people called it when they wanted to talk to their bank, not just to close their cards.

The only, ONLY function we had was the ability to close the cards.
We couldn't activate the cards.
We couldn't tell you your balance.
We couldn't find branches in your area.
We had no clue what you spent last week.

There was a man. He was an angry man. I'm not going so far to say psychotic, but he could have found benefits in speaking frankly with a therapist. This is my impression.
He didn't lose his card. He still had it. He wanted to know his balance. Here is our conversation (I am B, he is I, it stands for IDIOT!)
B: Thank you for calling the 'card closing line'. Is your card lost or stolen?
I: I want my balance.
B: I'm sorry sir. We are an after hours closing service your bank hired to help in situations of lost or stolen cards.
I: I don't believe this. You have my balance and you won't give it to me.
B: I'm sorry again sir. I do not work for your bank and I have no access to your accounts other than to close a cash card.
I: WRONG ANSWER!
B: But I don't work for your bank.
I: WRONG ANSWER!
B: I sit in stunned silence.
I: I want to talk to the president of the bank, right now!
B: Sir, your bank is closed. I don't have the president's phone number.
I: WRONG ANSWER!
B: At this point, I want to say, I'd love to get rid of you, you are dumb. Do you think I want you yelling at me because you're stupid? I don't enjoy you yelling at me.
I sit in silence.
I: Answer me!
B: I am unable to give you a different answer. I don't work for your bank. You can call them when they are open.
I: I want you to give me my balance.
B: The only thing I could do is close your card.
The customer hangs up. I think it's because I didn't give him his balance, but I'd like to think it was because he was afraid that giving me his information would make his card stop working. Not that I'd do that, mainly because I've dealt with customers who had this happen. I love it when customers get upset because they have the wrong number. Here are another couple of examples where the customer should not have called us:

I2 - guess what this stands for!

Banker calls me. "I have a customer who is upset that I can't find her account. She wants to talk to a supervisor."
B: Okay, I'll be happy to help. Send her through.
Transfer takes place.
B: Thank you for holding ma'am. I'm a supervisor here at NABABNA. Tony (the banker) said that you wanted to talk to a supervisor because he couldn't find your account?
I2: That's correct. I don't understand what a problem you are having. I never have this problem when I call NABABNA. It's only when I call Bank of Bank.
B: Um, you did call NABABNA.
I2: Oh! That's probably why you couldn't find my Bank of Bank account. [long pause] Would you please apologize to that banker? I was not pleasant to him.
B: Sure, I can do that. Why don't you put all of your accounts with us and then you only need one phone number?
I2: I think I'll do that! Thank you.

She was nice enough, once she understood she dialed the wrong number. It was very funny.

We actually get a lot of wrong numbers. This surprises me. Our phone lines answer as an automated service and it starts the message as, "Thank you for calling NABABNA." And then these people go through the prompts, get to a banker, listen to the banker say, "NABABNA, My name is...", ask their question, and then FINALLY realize they've called the wrong bank. I was amazed when the call escalated. That woman heard the name of the company 3 times and she still never caught it.

One of the bankers on our team got this call last night (I'll call the banker Q):
Q: Thank you for calling NABABNA. This is Q. How can I help you?
I3 (guess why he's called that!): Do you have the phone number for bank locations.
Q: I can look up one of our branches for you. What state is it in?
I3: Illinois.
Q: What branch did you want?
I3: Well, it's for Bank of Bank.
Q: Um, unfortunately we only have the addresses and phone numbers for banks that are part of our company.
I3: Oh.
[Long pause.]
I3: How do you think I could get the number for that bank?
Q: Have you tried Directory Assistance?
I3: I'll try that. Thanks!
Q: Thank you for calling. I'm glad I could...help.

Now I must ask. This customer knew that he wasn't calling the bank he wanted. Why would he think we had the phone number for a different bank? Do you call Wal-Mart to find out where a Target is located? Have you ever walked up to a Burger King asking where McDonald's was? Would this even cross your mind as an option??? I don't get it. People are crazy. And dumb.

Technology and Random Peter Pan

2004-07-16T22:19:00.000-07:00

DM has mentioned that we take escalated calls at a large banking call center. Customers are more amusing than any stand-up comic. In fact, I encourage customer service representatives to go into stand-up comedy for the amusement of the world. People must know these crazy things.

People in general are stupid. I'm not saying every person is stupid, just in general, people are stupid. There are ways to hide the moronic things we do, but unfortunately, some people don't have this built into their genetic make-up. This is good, because it makes for a fun story.

Not too long ago, a customer said to me, and I quote, "I didn't fall off the apple tree yesterday. I'm hip." Now, this doesn't make sense to me. Besides the fact that people don't usually fall off of apple trees, I'm pretty sure there is no hip hop songs with the lyrics, "I was climbing on the apple tree, I didn't fall off you see." I wanted to explain that if she is using the phrase, "I didn't fall off the apple tree yesterday," this automatically disqualifies her from being hip.

One of the best examples of a moronic moment I've come across is from about two and a half years ago. I will remember this woman for the rest of my life.

Side note: Oh my God, there's a grown man dressed up as Peter Pan on T.V. because he dresses like this everyday of his life. I'm so unbelievably scared. Conan O'Brien finds the strangest guests. This guy brought pictures of himself in many different fairy outfits. He just said he's single and straight and loves the ladies. He called his outfit the glitter star fairy. Conan just asked him what he wears for Halloween. He has problems for Halloween. He's 50 years old. But he said he's 5. He's been dressing like this for over 20 years. And now he's making Conan wear his hat. He has a website. www.pixyland.org This is what they said on Conan and I searched. The site won't load right now but I'm pretty sure of the address. I'm scared.

This is about how the call at NABABNA went:

B (Me): Thank you for holding. My name is Beth and I'm a supervisor. How can I help you?
C (Customer): I want you to tell me right now who's been calling me and make them stop.
B: I'd be happy to help you as much as I can, you said someone has been calling you? Are they from NABABNA?
C: Well, yes. (She scoffs at me.)
B: Did they leave a message?
C: I want them to stop calling me.
B: Okay, have you talked to them?
C: No.
B: Do you have the name or department of who's calling you?
C: No. Make them stop. Figure out who they are right now!
B: I'm trying to help you. I don't have any comments or notations of anyone calling you. I'll need some help from you.
C: I mean it. They need to stop.
B: I understand that. Have they left messages? (I try asking again.)
C: No.
B: So you haven't talked to anyone and they're not leaving messages. Are you finding our number on your Caller ID?
C: No. Make them stop.
B: You've said that. I want to help you.

Okay, so after 28 minutes of going back and forth of who is calling you, how do you know they are calling you, and her yelling (getting more and more frustrated and louder), she finally says:
C: Stop calling me. Every time I push redial, it calls you people!
I hit the mute button so fast and bust out laughing. I composed myself quickly and stated to the customer:
B: Um, ma'am, redial calls the person you called last, not who called you.
There is a pause.

It's a long pause.

C: Oh! I just don't get this whole technology thing! I'm just a blonde.

Here's the thing. Redial is not technology. It hasn't been for what, 20 years?

Again, I say, people are stupid.

I can't be overdrawn. I still have checks left.

2004-07-15T19:38:00.000-07:00

Yeah, funny, huh? Working in the banking industry, I have come to believe that people should take a class before they are allowed to open up a checking account. I believe this because I wish I would have taken one before I opened up my checking account at the tender age of 18 (19 years ago, sigh) and I actually thought this to be true. I also work on the help desk at a major bank and will routinely get calls from customers who are extremely angry with "You People." Here's a tip, people of the internet, when you have overdrawn your account at any bank, it doesn't matter where you bank, perhaps screaming at the person trying to help you might not be the best way to handle it. I know, it's shocking for me to even say this, but calling me a f*cking c*nt does not make me want to help you.

Here is probably the most amusing ATM story I have heard. Customer calls in. "I went to the ATM to make a deposit. My card wasn't working." Banker thinks the customer is calling in to get a replacement card. Logical, right? Customer continues "I turned to the guy behind me and asked if I could use his card to make my deposit and he said yes. He entered in his secret code and everything. Where's my money?" Here's the thing, people. She was serious. She honestly thought that using the ATM card of some random stranger would make her deposit go into her account.

Things you should know about ATM machines:

If the machine doesn't have your bank's name on the top and you are charged a fee for using it, that's not our fault. Banks are required to disclose all fees to their customers. Read your disclosures. Once you sign that account application, you are agreeing to the disclosures and future changes to the disclosures. If you're not comfortable with that, don't sign the application!
Do not make a deposit at a machine that is not owned by your bank. There is no guarantee that you will ever receive the deposit into your account. You would be truly amazed at the number of people who want to do this.
Do not give your PIN # (secret code) to anyone. I don't care if it's your husband, wife, parent, child, best friend or whatever. If your card is used without your permission and it turns out to be because you gave someone your PIN #, well, you can pretty much kiss that money goodbye. Don't write your PIN # on your card either.
If you have the opportunity to print a statement from the ATM, don't do it. Most banks charge for that. Most banks also provide free online banking. Why pay for something you can get for free?

Okay, I'm going to get off my soapbox. But please, listen to my advice. Only you can prevent overdraft fees. Keep a register. Don't spend money you don't have. Oh and with today's technology, yes, it is possible to write a check to someone and have it go through your account on the same day. Don't try to beat the bank, people, it doesn't work.

NABABNA - Providing checking accounts, loans and a swift kick to the head

2004-07-15T19:30:00.000-07:00

Working in the banking industry, I have realized many things, including the fact that certain people should not be allowed to having checking accounts. Here at NABABNA, I routinely deal with calls from people who have used the following excuses for being overdrawn (Because I want to keep my job, I don't say what I want to them. I wait until I get the chance to blog. What I want to say is in italics):

"I'm too busy to keep a register. I work for a living." "Oh, and I don't? Well, I hope you earn a lot of money at your job. Because I'm not reversing your fees. Moron."

"It's not my fault that I'm overdrawn. I checked the automated system and it told me that my balance was $53.05. So I went shopping. The automated system was wrong! You people lie!" "Okay, repeat after me. The automated system can only tell you what has posted or is pending to your account. Since the automated system is not psychic, it does not know that you wrote out a $43 check out two days ago."

"Well, the ATM machine gave me the money. If I was overdrawn, I shouldn't have been able to withdraw any money." "First of all, you withdrew the money from a non-NABABNA ATM. Because it isn't in the NABABNA network, it has no idea how much money you have. Second of all, do you really want us following you around and saying 'Oh, no, don't make that withdrawal. You don't have the money for it.' No, I didn't think so."

With that all said, there's a reason why I am sometimes lenient and will reverse a fee for those customers that will admit that they made a mistake and don't call in every time they get a fee. And that reason is that I, myself, am an idiot. The following numbers are the result of my attempt to keep a ledger. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Starting balance.......$80.00
Minus SA...................$11.34
Subtotal.....................$68.36
Minus Carmike........$11.00 (pop and popcorn for Dodgeball for 2)
Subtotal....................$77.36
Minus Chalet...........$10.00 ($4 for pop. $6 tip.)
Subtotal...................$67.36
Minus Carmike.......$7.50 (matinee tickets for Dodgeball for 2)
Subtotal...................$59.86
Perkins.....................$18.00
Total.........................$41.86

I handed my register to Keem and asked her to check my figures. Then I watched her and Beth disolve into helpless laughter. What is wrong (other than the fact that I spent more money on concessions than the actual movie) is, I am sure, painfully obvious to all people who are not me, my actual total should have been $22.16. I, apparently, need someone to follow me around. Of course, the difference between myself and the NABABNA customers is that when I get an overdraft fee, I don't whine about it.

Welcome to NABABNA

2004-07-15T19:22:00.000-07:00

Hi. My name is DM (short for Dana Marie). My friend Beth and I work for a major bank in America. We work in the customer service phone bank and take what's known as escalated calls. What does this mean? Mainly that we take calls from the customers who are upset with the bank. Now, yes, everyone makes mistakes and we do receive the occasional call from customers who have legitimate concerns with bank errors but the majority of the calls we receive are from people who have made mistakes on their own accounts.

Some of these people are wonderful to deal with because they are asking us to help them and are polite, calm individuals. And some of these people, the people that Beth and I are going to blog about, are morons.

Because we really love our jobs, there is no way we're going to tell you who we really work for. From now on, our company will be referred to as NABABNA, short for National American Bank of America, Baby, National Association. Yes, it's a weird name. But NABABNA is fun to say and so not close to the real name of our bank.

We will also be, for your reading pleasure, provide you with conversations that we have overheard or, sometimes, been forced to be involved in.

Just for the record, names have been changed to protect the innocent and not so innocent, if the customer we're talking about sounds like you, it's really not (but if you think it is, then you should probably really consider your banking habits), and yes, sometimes I will exaggerate for humor's sake. Usually I don't have to exaggerate, though, and will normally indicate when I've done so.

Hope you enjoy! Ciao. DM